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-   -   On again---off again---on again??? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3363)

TL4everu2 08-01-2010 05:16 AM

On again---off again---on again???
Ok, so my wife L and I have been dating this other couple on again and off again for the last 2 years or so. Right now, we are "on again".....and it's great. It seems like this time, it may actually work out and work fine....but every other time it did too.....Of course, each time we've broken up, it's been US going silent and not communicating properly. So.....L and I have decided that we are going to make more efforts to communicate with S and D. While I was talking to D tonight, I found out some good information.

Now, the last time we were "on again" with S and D, we told them that we were "polyamorous" and that we weren't "swingers", they shut down and almost refused to look at us the rest of the night. We told them that they were the couple for us, and that we had been "dating" them, and them "dating" us for this whole time. Well, once we attached the "p-word" to our relationship, they shut down and wanted nothing to do with it anymore. So, we learned not to use the "p-word" anymore with them.

Then, D got sick.....it was VERY bad, and she could have died. She had to have surgery, and when L told her we would go and be there for her, she told us not to come. :( It really hurt. We never realized how much we really DO love them until this I think.

Anyway, she is out of the hospital now, and seems to be doing alright. In fact, that was about 4 months ago, and now she seems to be doing much better. About 3 months ago, her hubby S told me he wasn't sure if we would ever do anything sexual with them again. I told him that was fine with us, and we would leave the sexual side of our relationship in THEIR hands to make the first move. He said they appreciate that. Well, I don't know i this message made it to D or not, but it did today, because I reminded her that I said it back then. Of course, we haven't really spoken to them in the last 2 months or so. Gosh we missed them. Anyway, she said that they really missed us, and they loved us also.

So now, we are on a high again. We really HATE the lows....so we are going to be open books this time around with them. We love being around them so much. Anyway, thanks for listening. Hope everyone else had a great day today. :D

racer812 08-01-2010 06:59 PM

Your couple sounds, to me, like they were just swinging. I could be way off here. If you are able to, maybe go to dinner with them or bbq, but do it just as friends.
When K and I first started swinging, we were "exclusive" with them and them with us. But it kinda went sour after the woman in the other couple developed feelings for me. She didn't understand and didn't know how to handle them, so she cut everything off, it hurt. K and I are still very close with the male in the couple and they have since divorced, making the whole situation easier on all of us. All of us were very young and it was only suppose to be for fun, but when you interact with someone that many times in that way there are bound to be some emotions mixed in with it.
Hey I just realized something, I had strong feelings for this woman(love?). Maybe I'm not quite as mono as I thought.

TL4everu2 08-01-2010 07:17 PM

Yes, originally, we all started out as "swinging".....but as the relationship went on, we (my wife and I) realized it was more and more of a "poly" relationship. But, for now.....we simply leave the "p-word" out of all convo's with them. LOL They have not been with any other people since being with us on New Years.

In talking with D yesterday, I told her that we loved them. She said the feeling was mutual. ......Now, in hind sight, I should have had her eloborate, but....I want to move slow this time around.....

L and I have always had a rule in the past of no kissing the other person we are with, on the lips.....but this rule is beginning to fall like the Berlin wall. One piece at a time....before, neither of us really had a DESIRE to kiss anyone else......now we do. For us, a kiss is the ultimate show of affection. Not sex. Oddly enough, for S and D, it is the same. I am weird....Just as I always suspected. LOL

racer812 08-01-2010 10:09 PM

The no kissing rule is not weird, K and I have the same rule. But it only applies to swinging. Looking back at our couple relationship, I wish I would have done things differently. Hind sight is always 20/20.
I think you 2 are going about this in the right way. take the pressure off and let the friendship grow. Good luck to you both.

TL4everu2 08-01-2010 11:40 PM

Yeah, something else that we decided to do this time, was go without the kids. Even though OUR kids know about our relationship choices, theirs don't. We respect that, and don't get too touchy or anythign when their kids are around. But until yesterday, we had been seeing them with their kids right there all the time. It was tough to show them any kind of affection that way, and I think that may have been part of why we were "off again" for a while. So yesterday, we made time to re-connect. It was so nice. And one more thing....Just the simple touch.....it sounds so trivial, but when we all hugged for the evening....it was so nice and it made me feel so good afterward. That would be that NRE feeling creeping up again, but.....I'm hoping it doesn't go away this time. Not the feeling....That part never did go away for me.....I mean the physical touching. Anyway, I am rambling again.

racer812 08-04-2010 03:28 AM

Awesome! I hope it goes well for you.
The touch doesn't sound trivial to me. Even with all that is happening in my life I still love when K just touches me, a hug, a caress on the arm, she still hold my hand( when kids let go of hers). So, no, the touch thing to me is not at all trivial.

TL4everu2 08-05-2010 03:13 AM

And now I have again overstepped my boundries....and I am moving too quick for L. That I have hurt her, hurts me. :( She asked that I slow things down a bit. I agree that I TOTALLY move too quickly. (often times to the tune that I look the fool. LOL) so I have agreed to slow it down to a friendship level with D, and not pursue a "romantic" level relationship at this time. Why? Because it makes my wife uncomfortable. I respect her, and don't want to do anything which hurts her.

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 06:04 PM

Would it be helpful to establish some clear examples of what "too fast" means? i.e., what behaviours to avoid and what signs would mean she's ready to go further? My reason for asking is that speed is relative, and too fast for one person is too slow for another.

I generally interpret "go slow" as "I want to take this far / all the way, but not quite yet". But for some people, "go slow" is code for "never go past this point" and it's important to know the difference, and what to look out for, what to avoid, "how to go slow".

Especially since this relationship started in swinging. In many relationships, "too fast" refers to physical intimacy as well as emotional. But if you've all had sex already, then presumably "too fast" refers to emotional intimacy, and the expression thereof.

Ariakas 08-06-2010 06:16 PM


Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 38849)
I generally interpret "go slow" as "I want to take this far / all the way, but not quite yet". But for some people, "go slow" is code for "never go past this point" and it's important to know the difference, and what to look out for, what to avoid, "how to go slow".

It depends on context, but I am definitely someone that hears "this is likely as far as this will go time to move on" when I hear "lets slow down"

Definitely important to be clear on what this means to each person as it creates a lot of miscommunication.

TL4everu2 08-08-2010 11:44 PM

Ok, so we all decide to take the kids out to the bay and go swiming and BBQ'ing with some friends. S&D are so awesome to be around, and we have so much fun with them. Theri friends are kinda easy going and easy to get alonog with. We are all eating, and D starts talking about how she and S go out to a local karaoke bar on Friday nights. We all start talking about how none of us can really "dance". D starts to say how she slow dances with these other two guys at the karaoke bar.

Now, here is where it gets WEIRD.......

I got jealous....WTF????? I just kinda stood up, and said I had to go get something out of the car. I then walked to the car, got my phone out of it, and acted like I was walking on the beach listening to my messages.

Now, why the HELL would I feel jealousy over D, but not over my wife? UGGH I feel like such a cretin. Is this "normal"

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