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OrangeCream 11-28-2012 07:57 PM

Hello! :)
Hello! I'm OrangeCream, and I'll probably just mull about the forums, reading, and stalking!

Uh, I guess I'm supposed to talk about my relationship here...

Uh, I've been with my boyfriend in a mono relationship for almost 2 years, and I love him, and our relationship. Being together with him is one of the most enjoyable things I have ever done, and I think our relationship is going great outside of general stresses of being a newly on your own couple. (We got our first apartment roughly 4 months ago... Stressful!) I feel like in another 60 years, we'd still be together and still be enjoying one another.

However, the two of us have drastically different working hours, and I find that most of the time I'm tired, or he's tired and we don't have the energy to have sex, go on dates, or do fun things. On the other hand I feel tremendous sexual attraction to my friend, and he always has the same general work schedule as me, and wants to do the same things I want to do during the times I have open.

I'm not entirely sure if this is poly or not, but I want to keep my relationship with my boyfriend, but I also want a relationship with this other person. I don't know if I'd date him, or feel anything outside of friendship love and sexual frustration, but I want to go out to movies with him, hang out on a couch in front of his TV, have a few drinks and maybe have some casual sex once in a while.

I also feel like he should go on dates with other women, and have casual sex too, but I think he's too insecure with himself and our relationship for something like this. I like the idea of him dating other people, it turns me on, and looks like it would be a lot of fun for him, seeing as I'm his first serious relationship.

I'm not sure how to bring something like this up. I tried earlier, and brought it up in a terribly bad way, and regret that, but I don't regret speaking up about my sexual feelings. I feel like because of my young age, I'm missing out on a lot of things in life by being in a serious, strict monogamous relationship, but I enjoy being with him. The times that we do together are amazing, and I don't want to lose him, but I fear that my promiscuity will cause him to leave, even though he thinks that it'll cause me to leave him.

Stevenjaguar 11-29-2012 03:50 PM

I think more people have been in your situation than you may realize only most people just live with the frustration and never do anything about it.

I understand how difficult this is since you don't want to damage a relationship that you value very much, but it's a conversation that has to take place sooner or later. Something in your favor is that there are surprisingly many guys who are open to this if they're secure that they're going to lose you.

My ex and I were cuddling after sex (I think it's true that people's defenses are down when they're naked) and she said a friend wanted to take her out when I was out of town. (I had a job with 2 weeks gone and 1 week at home) He wanted to take her to a concert and stay over. She said It didn't mean she was dissatisfied in any way with me and it wasn't a signal that she wanted to break up, it was just that she was young and needed more and I was gone most of the time , and was I secure enough in her love for her to see him. I said okay because I knew she was unhappy when I was gone and maybe this would make things better. Also, I knew that she had had a multiple relationship in the past, and well, she was just her.

There was a period of adjustment as we worked out who would do what with who when, but we stayed together almost two years. It's not to say this approach will work with him 'cuz everybody's different, but I think you recognize who you are and you eventually have to have a life where you can live as yourself. There is, of course, the potential for disaster depending on the person your boyfriend is, but I think you eventually need to give it a shot.

Good luck on the approach.

kdt26417 11-30-2012 12:01 AM

Hi Orange,
Welcome to our forum.


"I also feel like he should go on dates with other women, and have casual sex too, but I think he's too insecure with himself and our relationship for something like this."
I take it you're speaking of your boyfriend here? (rather than your other friend.)

Do you and your boyfriend get a chance to talk much? How does he feel about your other friend?

You have to talk and be honest with one another. It sounds like you want something like a FWB relationship with your other friend. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are both afraid of losing each other. Are you both committed to staying together? Perhaps a commitment ceremony would help?

We'll help in any way we can.
Kevin T.

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