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-   -   What are the downsides of being poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3359)

sage 07-31-2010 11:19 PM

What are the downsides of being poly?
Coming from a mono perspective I suppose i have had until now an underlying belief that in a mono/poly relationship the mono has to work harder.

I'm starting to see that it's probably just different work. I watch Z and I see that he doesn't have quite the same level of contentment in our relationship that I do. His mind is often off with someone else and he seems to have an insatiable wanting. He says that will go when... or when... but I wonder if some of this is the a downside of being poly?

My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more?


Ariakas 08-01-2010 12:06 AM

I would say thats a one sided view. Relationships are a tonne of work. Poly relationships are not any harder than a mono one, it just happens to end up that way with all the communication and timing it takes to make stuff work. Of course that is in general.

Does the mono work harder in a poly relationship than the poly in the same relationship. I don' t believe so. depending on the situation, there is a lot of restrictions and communication required by the poly to help the mono. As hard as the mono is working to understand, the poly is working to help...or should be. :)...that I suppose is the caveat.

There are seemingly two type of poly people (generalizing here) I ... don't look for anything. I leave myself open to the chance of finding people. I am also very social, so I suppose it appears I am always looking...when in fact I just like to keep myself exposed to the possibility :) I enjoy the dating but i don't fall in love with everyone I date ;)...

My wife on the other hand is content with playing the waiting game, seemingly letting situations fall into her lap. I believe this also has to do with how active I am...

It also isn't a question of contentment. I am content with my wife...but I have more to give, I enjoy loving people...will I run out of love to give...not sure..I just don't feel monogamous, I can't fathom not being available to the ability to be with someone else if it comes along...(ps I don't use love, because I am in an open relationship with the ability to fall in love, i don't restrict my openess to love only)


MonoVCPHG 08-01-2010 06:32 AM

I can't speak for a two sided poly side relationship but I can say with authority that mono / poly relationships are way more work than a mono /mono relationship. Way more !

sage 08-01-2010 07:01 AM

Thanks for your replies guys.

I suppose in a way it was quite an ambiguous question and i should be brave enough to put out what lies beneath it.

I'm considering exploring other relationships myself. I'm not going hugely out of my way but like Ari and partner, if one should come my way I think I would now be open to it. This is more likely for us now because we have started meeting the local poly community.

What worries me is that it might upset my equilibrium. Things are really good for us right now and while part of that is due to my decision to participate in the lifestyle I am also a bit worried that it could upset our whole apple cart.

I know in the past I haven't been good with NRE so I'm very aware of the effect that could have. Bottom line I suppose is the question"how do you keep new relationships in perspective and not upset the wonderful relationship you already have? There I think that is actually what I would like to know.

Breathesgirl 08-01-2010 01:22 PM

For me it's the knowledge that I come home to Breathes' willing and waiting arms (and fingernails for scratching, meow!) whenever I'm out with someone else.

We have a good, solid foundation to work from. The longer we're together the easier I find it to let him go & have his fun while I go & have my fun (this includes alone time).

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being happy because he's happy! I guess the happiness increases exponentially?

TL4everu2 08-01-2010 03:00 PM

Ok, While my wife and I are fairly new to the whole "poly" idea....we have lived in a couple different "poly" relationships. 4 to be exact....but one of them was attached to another. We were seeing a couple, and then they got dicvorced. L kept seeing the male portion of the couple. The woman wouldn't have anything to do with us because we were still friends with her ex. :( It was truely a sad thing....Our current relationship, has lasted about 2 years on and off.

I have to say that it is WAY more difficult. Just when I start to think I can understand my wife.....I'm wrong. And so if I'm wrong about that, how will I ever understand my GF, or my wife her BF? It's so confusing, but....We try to make sure we are communicating a LOT. Yet, we have to make sure that we don't spend TOO much time with our bf and gf. (They are married to each other btw) When we do, we end up fighting.....now, the make up sex is great....but I could do without the arguments in the first place.....So yeah, it's MUCH more difficult than a mono relationship.

Oh, I almost forgot....The original question....My answer, we are not looking for anyone else now that we are "on again" with our couple. However, when we are "off again", we are looking almost every day. LOL But in almost 6-7 months of looking almost every single day, we found no-one we liked....except our original couple...and then it hit us...We were being stupid. :D

racer812 08-01-2010 03:21 PM

Not sure what the downside is for a ploy, but for me(a mono), its trying to understand and learn about the "why's". Thats just me, my mind works different from most people. For me it takes an incredible amount of work, communication, patience( I lack some:o), and understanding. Thats just me though.

jkelly 08-01-2010 07:35 PM

I enjoy being in romantic relationships, so I don't think of being in more of them as really having a "downside". That said, scheduling can sometimes be a pain.


Originally Posted by sage (Post 38201)
My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more?

I'm not sure how to answer this question. If I somehow knew right now that I would never fall in love with anyone new for the rest of my life, I'd be sad about that. It'd imply that I was going to spend the rest of my life meeting people who I don't find loveable!

I guess that means that I'm not "completely content" in some theoretical way, but I definitely don't think of myself as "on the look out for more", and I don't imagine that I would feel any differently regardless of the number of relationships I was in (although if that number was zero, that might change things, I suppose).

Breathesgirl 08-01-2010 08:02 PM

I read sage's question

My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more?
For me I CAN be completely happy in my current Primary relationship. I was before Possibility came along. I wasn't looking for another partner when he asked me & that relationship has been been one again, off again for two years now. I can't imagine scheduling my life around him. It's hard enough getting him to schedule one night a week without sending him a reminder that it's supposed to be our evening together.

I've always been content with what I've had (with the notable exception of my marriage). I was content living by myself, when living with boyfriends, etc. I think that comes from learning to be able to live with myself and to love any time I get where it's just me (like now. It's just me for the next hour! WOOT!)

racer812 08-01-2010 10:14 PM

Good question. I have another, since it seems that some people on here are always looking.
Can you become addicted to the NRE? It seems that some people have a relationship for a few months or so and then it ends and they are on to the next exciting adventure.
Dont mean to offend anyone, just curious.

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