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-   -   Unclear about poly. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33585)

naddy0709 11-28-2012 03:49 AM

Unclear about poly.

I have been married for 5 years, and while my husband is mostly satisfied with our relationship I am not. I have discussed the possibility of having an open relationship but he is unsure and afraid that I will meet another and leave him. I am not sure what I am hoping to find, because all of this is new to me. I would appreciate any advice and am hoping to meet others that can understand my situation and trouble shoot with me about what it is that might work best for my situation and how to approach it with my husband.

Thanks so much

Rynn 11-28-2012 05:32 AM

Hi Naddy :) I'm in exactly the same boat as you. Just spoke to my husband about opening our marriage and he thinks I am looking for his permission to cheat. But there's so much more to it.

naddy0709 11-28-2012 06:58 AM


Amazingly tonight after I posted my introduction I found a way to broach the subject with insight I hadn't thought of personally. I found an episode of 'Taboo' about relationships that explained what a poly relationship was about...From there it spawned a conversation that was logical about the show and evolved into what we each thought about it and so on. It was interesting that he was able to look at it differently because it was a show with information and not me just asking to be with other people...That it would have to be slow and evolve naturally with certain rules.....Maybe that might work with you.

GalaGirl 11-28-2012 07:11 AM

What is it that you are not satisfied with in the marriage?


kdt26417 11-28-2012 08:57 AM

Hi naddy0709,
Welcome to our forum.

Another resource that might help you is "Opening Up," a book by Tristan Taormino. I suggest you and your husband read it together, it will give you much good discussion material, help you figure out what kind of a scenario you're looking for, and ease your husband's fears by making the subject more familiar.

Also continue to participate on this site, there is a lot to learn (and post) here. Would your husband considering registering here? Perhaps he could get some of his own questions answered.

I hope you guys are able to work it out. Let us know whatever we can do to help.

Kevin T.

nycindie 11-28-2012 03:00 PM

Hi and welcome.

You say you are not satisfied with your marriage, but your husband is. That one comment speaks volumes about a certain amount of disconnect between you, and perhaps some unspoken issues that have needed to be addressed, but were not.

The usual advice is that it is generally considered less than ideal to seek out polyamory when one is not happy within a relationship. The only way poly can work well and be truly satisfying for people in an existing relationship is when they have a very strong, happy, and loving foundation upon which to build, rather than complaints or issues that aren't getting resolved. Having more partners won't fix what's wrong with your marriage, or what you are dissatisfied with. No one can ever really expect another person or relationship, whether poly or mono, to bring them the happiness, satisfaction, and/or fulfillment that they feel is missing. If one is not happy, satisfied, and fulfilled within themselves already, nothing will make it better - people and relationships can only be temporary Band-aids unless a person resolves their own issues first and can truly be happy with their life as it is in this moment, right now. It's an inside job, basically. Without looking at that beforehand, engaging in polyamory will only make life and your marriage worse.

That being said, it doesn't mean poly isn't a good choice for you. It just may mean that you and your hubs would benefit from some deep soul-searching, couples counseling, and recommitting to what you already have BEFORE branching out into other directions with additional people. If one person isn't happy in a relationship, it still affects the other, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. Therapy can be a vital step.

Also consider whomever else you might want to become involved with - no one wants the burden and responsibility of fixing another person's personal problems. Nor would anyone want to feel like a replacement for a partner that someone has complaints about. Not saying that that is your intent, but it is just that, very often, someone in a couple looks at other people as a way to get out of something painful or fix what's broken, without thinking of the impact of that approach, not only on their current partner but on the new person who is now supposed to be the answer to everything gone wrong.

For some couples, it could take a year or even longer from the time the topic of poly is broached to the day they are actually ready for it as a couple. Do not rush this! It could be disastrous if you do. But if you thoughtfully and methodically take your time and work to make the relationship you've already got to be the absolute best it can be, then embracing polyamory could simply be a wonderful aspect brought to your lives.

naddy0709 11-28-2012 06:00 PM

Feeling misunderstood
Gala Girl, and Nycindie,

My relationship with my husband isn't a bad one by any means. We openly discuss everything about our relationship. There are problems, but no more than any other average marriage out there.
When I say that he is satisfied, and I am not, I am saying that he feels complete with loving me and only me. I find that I make connections with other people, and have not yet pursued anything.
I was raised Mormon, and polyamory is so far from how I was raised that I didn't even know anything about it until my late 20's. I feel that it helped me explain certain things about who I am and what makes me feel happy.
I grew up feeling dirty, unclean, and bad for wanting more than one thing at a time. My Dad asked me why couldn't I just feel content with a good man, kids, and a good home. Its hard to explain that I feel something is missing, and I was hoping that I would find others here that might understand.
My husband doesn't have the same feelings as I do, but he also wants me to do what will make me ultimately happy. I believe that with honesty about this with myself and my husband we can stay happily married, but I fear that if I was to keep that want closeted that ultimately it would destroy my marriage, and damage me.

GalaGirl 11-28-2012 07:25 PM

Aw -- I'm sorry you are feeling misunderstood. I wasn't judging you at all -- though I'm sorry you struggle with parents not understanding your wiring.

Me? I was trying to get a sense of what sort of background is going on here. That's all. So... it sounds to me like he's monoamorous for himself but poly-friendly? And you are polyamorous then? How you are "wired" inside?

How about reading resources together then just to build some common lingo and help you in your talks first? Then when you say something or he says something -- you both MEAN it in the same way and USE the word in the same way so your communication is on the same page.

I'd suggest these as first 3 articles you could read together:

Then branch out and you could explore more things to read:
Could that be useful?



nycindie 11-28-2012 07:35 PM

Hi Naddy,
I was not judging you and I am glad that you were talking about wanting more, rather than wanting to fix something, in your desire for polyamory in your life. However, what I wrote about doing soul-searching, talking as much as you can about what you need, why, and how those needs can be met, having input from a third party like a counselor or therapist, and strengthening your commitment to each other in whatever way seems appropriate, and taking your time (and baby steps) to reach a mutual agreement, understanding, and direction BEFORE starting a relationship with someone new - are all still good suggestions (IMHO, anyway! LOL).

MikeinYork 12-07-2012 03:05 AM

This sounds similar to my issue. My wife is happy being mono buy I am not. I love her and we have a great relationship. I am just more social than her and desire relationships with more people. It's frustrating. I don't want her to think I will not love her. I feel like I have room to love more than one.

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