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-   -   his first "date" coming up... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33577)

snlawesome 11-27-2012 11:46 PM

his first "date" coming up...
Hey all. I haven't posted much, so quick background, my husband and I have been swinging for 2 yrs, and about 6 mo. ago decided to try a more poly approach than just sex. Right now, he is looking for a gf, for a V or even a triad if it worked out that way. I would like a bf, but he isn't comfortable with that, and I am ok respecting that. I have a fwb who comes over for 3somes, but I do not go out on my own.
We set up accounts on OKcupid and plenty of fish to look for a gf for him, with some luck, not alot, a few chats, but that's about it. Well in the meantime, he reconnected with an old friend who was a fwb he had before we met. He invited her out to dinner. Which no big deal, even if we weren't poly, dinner with an old friend wouldn't bother me. Then they started flirting in texts. Which bothered me because he had not even explained about being poly, my thoughts etc. He flirted and she flirted right back, knowing that he was married and having no idea that he "has permission" to flirt. I was upset, I told him that I don't have a problem with it, IF she knows that I am ok with it and accepting of the situation. It's not fair to either of us if he doesn't put that right out there up front before anything happens. So he talked to her some about it, but I can't really tell from text messages what she thinks or if she fully understands it all.
I am also feeling a kind of I guess jealousy/insecurity because he allready knows her. I feel like if this was a girl from okcupid then we would both learn about her together at the same time. Now I feel some kind of "disadvantage" because he allready knows this girl and I don't. Also, it's very clear on okcupid what the situation is and what we are looking for, and I don't know that it has all been very clear to her yet.
They are going out to dinner Friday. I don't want to "limit" what is allowed on this date; but I feel like I need to at least until I know that she is clear on what the situation is ??
I don't know if I have a specific question, I just want some thoughts and opinions of someone who knows more than we do LOL

Derbylicious 11-28-2012 01:18 AM

I think setting some guidelines about open and honest communication is perfectly reasonable. It's like asking that he gets informed consent both from his date and from you before anything procedes beyond friendship.

I have some other concerns in your situation though, it sounds to me like whatever he says goes. You've said that you would like a boyfriend and that he isn't ok with that so you won't go there and you've also said that you would perfer that he meet someone new rather than persuing somthing with someone who he already knows. Poly shouldn't be one person compromizing all the time. Either you both have the freedom to persue whomever you chose or both of you are considering each other in your limitations. Just my 2 cents worth, feel free to disregard it.

snlawesome 11-28-2012 01:43 AM

It may seem like he has "control" but really I don't feel that way at all, I am the one who brought up the idea more than he did. I would like a bf, BUT I don't want my fwb to be my bf. I like our relationship the way it is, and I really have no desire to be with him on my own. If he was someone else, or I met someone else I was more interested in, then it might be different. Husband has not said NEVER, he just knows he has too many insecurities right now to feel comfortable with me having a bf away from him. It would end up making us both miserable.

I didn't realize that the idea of not meeting someone new was an issue with me until it happened, so there wasn't much I could do about it by then. it happened, then my feelings happened. It wasn't something that I felt uncomfortable with, then he did it anyway.

Anneintherain 11-28-2012 02:02 AM

I don't think a partner needs permission to flirt, and if somebody flirts with me I don't worry if their spouse is OK with it unless it appears to be flirting with sexual intent. Now if you ARE talking blatant sexual flirting, that's something that should be discussed to know where you both stand on it. I wouldn't move from flirting to sexual innuendo without a heads up to my partner/s, and I want the same info in return. I imagine you were just fine with him flirting with swinging partners, and the real issue is that you want him to let her know that he's in an open relationship, the sooner the better.

Truth is if he doesn't tell her, and it turns out she was willing to date him thinking he's cheating, you're starting off thinking he's OK with dishonesty and dating people who don't respect you. It doesn't matter if it turns out she's fine with dating somebody who is in an open relationship and nothing would've happened, the perception will always be there that you aren't sure she's a trustworthy person.

My 2 cents, I'd reiterate why I am uncomfortable about this and ask him to mention it to her today.

snlawesome 11-28-2012 02:09 AM

Exactly!! You just put into words what I couldn't get to come out of my mouth when he and I talked about it about the dishonesty and not respecting me. I couldn't think how I wanted to phrase it, and that is perfect :)
But yes, without alot of details the texts were more than just a "hey sexy" flirt and were pretty sexual for someone assuming she is talking to a happily married man.

JaneQSmythe 11-28-2012 03:48 AM

For the record, from the other side...I (a happily married and poly woman with no interest in cheating on my husband or my boyfriend) am an INCURABLE flirt - and incredibly sensitive to "cues" that my chosen victim expresses. I flirt with everyone, all of the time, as far as they will let me take it, all of the time. It has little, if anything, to do with sexual intent. That being said: sexual innuendo and suggestive touching are definitely in there; if anyone anywhere could vaguely consider it "flirting" - I'm there and just past it. (Boundaries...how I love to push them.:p)

For me...kissing is not flirting, sex (of any sort) is (obviously) not flirting. Sitting on someone's lap, feeding them tasty tidbits, ruffling their hair and giving them a good look down my shirt...still just flirting.

It has literally nothing to do with disrespect for/of their partner(s)..who I may or may not know, or even know if they exist. From my standpoint (and I know that many disagree with me - my husband does* :eek:) it is the responsibility of the person who is in a relationship to communicate the boundaries of what they are comfortable with in terms of their existing relationships. If they don't put the brakes on, then I certainly won't. (Although I will certainly think less of them and limit my future interactions if I later discover that they overstepped boundaries with me that they had agreed to uphold for someone else.)


*To be clear - my husband disagrees with me on my level of culpability in terms of the effect of my flirting on other people's relationships, not with my actions with regard to OUR relationship - we are on the same page there. I am responsible for MY OWN actions...I think that other people are responsible for THEIRs, he feels that I share some responsibility for their actions as well...I disagree. We know that we disagree on this, we have for 20 years, our knowledge of our disagreement informs our reactions to certain circumstances...

snlawesome 11-28-2012 05:50 PM

I can see both sides of you and your husbands thinking. But in this case, my husband is not really the kind who is always flirting and being suggestive, so when it came up, I was a little shook up by it.
I'm feeling right now, that I am fine with them going to dinner Friday, but before anything goes further, I need to talk with him and maybe her. We started our swinging "lifestyle" slowly and it's been great, so I think that approach is what needs to happen here too. Some people can just jump right in the pool, other people have to dip their toes in and work their way in.

nycindie 11-28-2012 07:41 PM

Besides the fact that he's in an open marriage, I think he definitely should let her know that you are reading her texts as well. She may consider that a violation of her privacy. I know I would.

JaneQSmythe 11-29-2012 01:42 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 169244)
... I think he definitely should let her know that you are reading her texts as well. She may consider that a violation of her privacy. I know I would.

That's a good point that I consistently miss :o.

I, personally, don't ever text anything that I wouldn't want my BOSS to read (let along anyone else) since my cell is provided by my work - I assume that it is not secure. MrS rarely gets texts from anyone but me, but I would certainly answer his phone, check his messages, etc. if it made a noise - we don't have a land-line so a call/txt to either phone serves the same purpose as a household answering machine. Dude doesn't even HAVE a cell phone so he regularly uses MrS's or my phone. It would simply never occur to me that someone would think/expect that a txt conveyed an "expectation of privacy"...


snlawesome 11-29-2012 01:52 AM

same here I never text anything I expect to be "private" cause there are too many ways it can end up not private. But she knows that, and has been given my number if she wants to talk to me directly; or I could talk to her as well, but for now I'm not going to, as I know she is allready comfortable and trusts my husband.

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