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-   -   Need some opinions on the best way to go about doing this conversation...sexual topic (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33576)

notalways 11-27-2012 09:05 PM

Need some opinions on the best way to go about doing this conversation...sexual topic
 
Nothing really graphic but when it comes down to it this question is about sex. I have been seeing my primary boyfriend, who I live with, for about a year and I have been seeing my other partner for over a year now. In our relationship as a general rule I can do what I like but I need to use protection, which I would be doing that even if it wasn't a rule.

Recently things have gotten a lot more serious with my other partner. We have passed the casual relationship stage and gotten into the I love you and just want to spend time with you even if there is nothing sexual going on between us. We have taken this relationship very slow so it is kind of a big deal we are now admitting we love each other. After all this time we want to stop using protection together (I am on birth control, not looking for kids), but I don't know how to bring this up with my boyfriend. It sounds stupid typing it out but it is kind of a next big step in our relationship and I want to take it. Me and my other partner have talked about who everyone is sexually active with and the safety of things.

If it wasn't an awkward enough topic to bring up with my boyfriend, his girlfriend of several months just broke up with him and he is feeling very insecure right now. I am there for him as much as I can be, and all my partners know why I am less available right now. I don't want to push him over some emotional edge.

Who has had this conversation? How to do go about it? I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I really want to do this.

jones 11-27-2012 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notalways (Post 169079)
Nothing really graphic but when it comes down to it this question is about sex. I have been seeing my primary boyfriend, who I live with, for about a year and I have been seeing my other partner for over a year now. In our relationship as a general rule I can do what I like but I need to use protection, which I would be doing that even if it wasn't a rule.

Recently things have gotten a lot more serious with my other partner. We have passed the casual relationship stage and gotten into the I love you and just want to spend time with you even if there is nothing sexual going on between us. We have taken this relationship very slow so it is kind of a big deal we are now admitting we love each other. After all this time we want to stop using protection together (I am on birth control, not looking for kids), but I don't know how to bring this up with my boyfriend. It sounds stupid typing it out but it is kind of a next big step in our relationship and I want to take it. Me and my other partner have talked about who everyone is sexually active with and the safety of things.

If it wasn't an awkward enough topic to bring up with my boyfriend, his girlfriend of several months just broke up with him and he is feeling very insecure right now. I am there for him as much as I can be, and all my partners know why I am less available right now. I don't want to push him over some emotional edge.

Who has had this conversation? How to do go about it? I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I really want to do this.

Hi hun, I have had this conversation with my primary about my secondary partner, at the time we had just broken up with our gf so it wasn't a sit down talk well not at first but we did speak about it, we all agreed to be tested and does your secondary partner use condoms with other partner's he has? all you can do is ask and talk about it, are you using no protection with your primary? this MIGHT although I can't say for sure if it will affect how he feels about it.

agree to rules, testing every month and only do bareback with you but wait till he is hurting less, my oh was hurt and didn't want to discuss bareback or fluid bonding properly for a few weeks after the break up.

Anneintherain 11-28-2012 02:20 AM

Did you two every discuss the possibility of fluid bonding with others someday? Is your live in partner uncomfortable at all with any of this other partners sexual practices? If so I imagine you have a clear statement about how you are going to address any concerns. Is he clear that the relationship no longer feels casual and you love him?

If he isn't, I'd make that clear and wait a couple of months to bring up fluid bonding. If he is, I'd probably wait until I felt the breakup wasn't fresh and raw. Do you know if you're willing to bring up the discussion but not have him make a decision about how he feels about it or act on it for awhile?

I brought this up with my ex husband over 7 years ago, it was awkward, sure. The gist was "I'd like to stop using condoms with Adam. These are the reasons why - I feel _________ and it would be _______. He's willing to use condoms with all other partners, he gets tested regularly and I trust him. I don't know how you feel about it, but it's been on my mind so I wanted to talk about it"

If your other partner would not be using condoms with other people obviously I'd just insert whatever safe sex practices and risks would be in place to your live in partner. If someday I want to talk to Adam about fluid bonding with somebody else I'd be saying just about the same thing.

GalaGirl 11-28-2012 03:15 AM

There is acknowledging that this is something you wish to do -- fluid bond with other partner -- BF2.

There is acknowledging that right when BF1 broke up with his other GF.

So... perhaps give him a reasonable time. A week? A month? I don't know what time frame is "reasonable" in your situation over there. Maybe he's not all that upset over it? Maybe he is?

But I do know it is unseemly to bring it up the day after a break up! Give him his time out time to gather himself a bit.

You could tell him you want to make a date for serious relationship talk -- on health issues in future. Nobody is ill or sick but -- a relationship is deepening so... let's talk.

Then when appt time comes -- tell him you want to fluid bond with other partner. Where is BF1's preferences there? Does he feel willing to "overlap?" Does he want to go back to condoms with him?

While you are waiting in the meanwhile -- you and BF2 can make sure your health tests are up to date and take new ones. Not just because BF1 may want a gander at those if he's thinking he might be ok with overlap, but because it is management of your OWN health and it's the responsible, ethical thing to be doing when you share multi-partners. Tend to the health bucket.

I don't know if that helps.

GL!
Galagirl

Dagferi 11-28-2012 09:58 PM

The only additional advice I would have would be have a plan if there would be an oops. No birth control is not 100% sadly.

I have a child conceived while on the pill. Even permanent forms of birth control can fail. I had to have emergency surgery on Sat at 3 am. I got pregnant after my Essure implant (similar to tubal ligation) failed and resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. It was my boyfriends baby not my husbands. It failed after 6 YEARS of no problems.

My doctor says he has seen tubals and vasectomies fail after even 10 years of no problems. :eek:

JaneQSmythe 11-29-2012 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 169259)
My doctor says he has seen tubals and vasectomies fail after even 10 years of no problems. :eek:

Unfortunately the longer it has been since a surgical/mechanical sterilization (tubal ligation, vasectomy, Essure) the more likely it seems to be to fail - the body is constantly trying to "repair" itself. The other unfortunate aspect is that if a pregnancy does occur (which is unlikely, but never 100%) after a tubal sterilization (or with an IUD for that matter) it is statistically more likely to be ectopic (the fertilized egg is "trapped" in an inappropriate location - a sperm can get through a gap that a fertilized egg can NOT).

This information is actually part of the "informed consent" that everyone is supposed to receive prior to undergoing these procedures - but you hear 99.9% effective and assume it will never happen...to you (although 99.9% means it will happen to 1 in 1000 - and how many people undergo these procedures?). The bottom line "truth" is that there is NO 100% effective birth control...Perhaps, technically, abstinence but, even then, you have to be aware that ejaculation near the vagina can (rarely) result in pregnancy even without penetration.

Sperm+Egg=Conception. Period. All of our preparations are merely "risk reduction" not "risk negation".

JaneQ

SchrodingersCat 11-30-2012 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 169275)
This information is actually part of the "informed consent" that everyone is supposed to receive prior to undergoing these procedures - but you hear 99.9% effective and assume it will never happen...to you (although 99.9% means it will happen to 1 in 1000 - and how many people undergo these procedures?). The bottom line "truth" is that there is NO 100% effective birth control...Perhaps, technically, abstinence but, even then, you have to be aware that ejaculation near the vagina can (rarely) result in pregnancy even without penetration.

Humans are inherently terrible at probability. I was talking to a doctor once about an unnamed patient. He explained that the chance of her preemie baby surviving was 40%. She kept trying to get him to tell her whether she was in the 40% or the 60%. He was at a loss. She didn't understand basic statistics. You throw a die, there's a 1/6 chance you'll get a 3. I can't tell you whether you're in the 1/6 or 5/6 until you actually throw the die. Then I can give you 1/1 odds that what you already rolled was a 3 or not.

And that is why Quantum Mechanics is so hard.

notalways 12-06-2012 11:03 PM

Sorry I never got back to thanking you all for your advice. I understand no birth control method is 100% but that is a risk I have already considered and feel confident in my birth control method.

I still have not had the conversation, I am so nervous about it. Today he went out on a date with a new girl so I am hoping he might be healing from his breakup.

Things sure were a lot more simple when I just had casual relationships with other people lol.

Love2Bake 12-07-2012 02:55 AM

I have a beautiful 18 year old daughter. I got pregnant on the pill AND he used a condom!!! I was also using spermicide. The chances were supposed to be less than 1%. But when its YOU, the chances are meaningless. Your not 1% pregnant.

I would *never* ever have sex with someone without protection, who is sleeping with other people. Are you seriously asking this?? I guess you don't know many people who have HIV. Or who KNOW they have HIV. That is a ridiculous question. WHY add additional risk? Your health is at stake!!! No, girl. No. I would not bring this up. Because I'd be worried about diseases so I wouldnt have sex without a condom.

I am OCD about hand washing. I can't imagine being that lackadaisical about sexual protection. Yikes.

*wraps you in a body condom*

**Runs like hell**

SchrodingersCat 12-15-2012 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Love2Bake (Post 170944)
I would *never* ever have sex with someone without protection, who is sleeping with other people. Are you seriously asking this?? I guess you don't know many people who have HIV. Or who KNOW they have HIV. That is a ridiculous question. WHY add additional risk? Your health is at stake!!! No, girl. No. I would not bring this up. Because I'd be worried about diseases so I wouldnt have sex without a condom.

I am OCD about hand washing.

Being OCD about hand washing can actually have the reverse effect. You need some exposure to germs in order to build and maintain a strong immune system. Kids who grow up in sterile environments become adults who are susceptible to every little bug that goes around. Kids who grow up eating mud become adults who fake sick days, just so they don't lose them.

Quote:

I can't imagine being that lackadaisical about sexual protection.
There's nothing lackadaisical about fluid bonding (I hate that term, but it is what it is) with a committed long-term partner. She's not talking about some guy she just met last week. I grew up in the 90s so I know where you're coming from; HIV is terrifying. That's why you get tested first, and again 6 months later, before taking off the latex. That's why you only sleep with people you can trust to be honest about their other sexual exploits. That's why you insist they wear condoms with any other new partners.

What amuses me is people who get so hell-bent on HIV and ignore the other hundred STIs you can get, many of them when you are using condoms. If you're not 100% sure about where they've been and whether they're clean, don't have sex with them period, condom or no condom. Herpes and genital warts, for example, can both be transmitted with condoms.

Actually, to me the bigger issue is that you're uncomfortable discussing sex with your boyfriend. Is this a problem in other areas of your communication, or specific to this situation? You shouldn't be sleeping with someone if you can't comfortably talk to them about sex and protection...


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