Broaching the sex topic
I'm putting this here in the hopes that someone has some sort of advice on what to give me. Woodsmith and I haven't really had much sex in about a year now and I don't know how to get past my mental hang ups or figure out what his might be.
Last October my depression came back full force (I had been off medication for 6 years without symptoms). Ended up back on medication and in therapy because I knew I needed it. Woodsmith had a lot of difficulty coping with what was happening to me and even when I would reach out to cuddle or be affectionate he would pull away. It got to a point that the only times he tried to touch me was when he wanted sex and because I wasn't feeling cared for I would pretty much always turn it down.
I know some of my issues probably stem a bit from what happened then (from October till July when I was finally put on the right medication).
So my issues: 1) I can't get in the mood with him. I'm still attracted to him and mentally I do want to be intimate with him but I can't physically get in the mood. 2) A continuance of that, whenever we do get intimate it hurts a lot.
His issue (as far as I can see): Timing. Times when we both can be alone he kinda avoids any intimate time. He doesn't join me when I go to bed during the week because I need to be in bed by midnight to get enough sleep for work and he likes staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning. So any time he does try to initiate sex ends up happening 5 to 10 minutes before we have to leave to go somewhere (which has been knowledge for at least a week). I've pointed this out to him in the past and he doesn't do anything to change it.
If you want to start having sex again, I would think about a few things.
1) Timing. If his timing doesn't work for you, then you should initiate or schedule sex when it is more likely to work for you. Pick a time that is calm and gives you plenty of room.
2) Pain. Try to find acts that don't hurt or change things slightly to avoid pain. For example, engage in oral sex, use lube with intercourse, grope each other like you're in high school. It is possible to find things that will not hurt, but it will take patience and creativity. It took a few years for me to find what worked for me.
3) Drive. Try to engage in something that relaxes you. If you can relax, you may find yourself much more physically receptive. Focus on enjoying the sensation rather than trying to become turned on. On the flip side, fantasy can help.
4). Forgiveness. Have you forgiven him for how he behaved from October until July? Maybe you should talk to Him about his behavior. If he is still behaving in ways that upset you, discuss those specific behaviors with him.
My other advice is to masturbate if you don't already. It helps you return to the sensation of pleasure and find out what triggers your pain in a pressure-free environment.
I think it's more part 4 (and a bit of 1) and I'm going to start working with my therapist on this. Reason I think it's more that is because I don't have these problems with my boyfriend (who pretty much took the lead on helping me emotionally when I was falling).
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