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-   -   Potential boyfriend wants husband's OK (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33514)

SunflowerHoney 11-26-2012 06:01 PM

Potential boyfriend wants husband's OK
Hi everyone,

I'm brand new to this site and came here specifically looking for advice on this issue.

My husband and I have just opened our relationship a few months ago but neither of us has had an outside relationship yet. I have made a connection with a man that I like a lot and the chemistry between us is sizzling, however, he is hesitant to move forward without hearing from my husband that he's OK with it.

Hubby and I have already agreed to do this for one another but I had been thinking it would the women that would need to hear it from me rather than the other way around.

This is kind of awkward for him and I don't really know how to go about it. Does anyone have any advice or experience with this particular issue? Did they email, talk on the phone, meet in person?

Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

Cleo 11-26-2012 06:49 PM

what does your potential BF need? email, talk on the phone, meet in person? Ask him that, then ask your husband if he's willing to do that, then set it up. Yes, it will be a little awkward. It won't be the last awkward moment you'll experience in your poly life.

Also, ask both guys what their expectations are. Does your potential only need to be assured that your husband is on board and that your not cheating? Or does he want to like or befriend your husband?
Does your husband have veto power in case he doesn't like your potential partner?

Anneintherain 11-26-2012 06:56 PM

Well we have an agreement to meet people the other are dating before they become sexual partners. First meetings of metamours have included a 2 minute greet at the door when I date picked one of us up, a board game night for my husband and I with his gf and her husband, meeting one of his girlfriends for drinks just her and I, having lunch with my husband and his date, meeting my bf's wife for coffee just her and I. It sounds like you are not comfortable with that idea yet, but that's just an example of one way that stuff can be managed.

I don't know why you think only women would want to check that out - isn't it a good thing he wants to make sure that your husband is OK with things? I think that's nice and SMART especially as you are not experienced at seeing other people but new, and new can come with a boatload of issues. I'd give him your husband's email and let him initiate contact if your husband is too awkward with the idea of phone or meeting in person (nothing is wrong with sticking to email if that's his comfort level). Truthfully I would not date somebody who's live in partner was too uncomfortable to at least exchange a brief email or two with me to acknowledge everything is on the up and up and dating me isn't a problem.

SunflowerHoney 11-26-2012 07:25 PM

Thank you both for your replies. I was just being naive of course when I thought that only women would need confirmation. And a little bit sexist too I guess. A little ashamed of that, but at least I'm figuring things out. Learning about myself is a big part of this experience.

I respect the potential BF tremendously for wanting to make sure everything is above-board--I'm just trying to wade through these new waters.

I will ask BF what he needs to feel comfortable with this. That's kind of what I was thinking. Thank you for sharing your advice and experience. I really appreciate it!

sparklepop 11-26-2012 07:32 PM


Originally Posted by SunflowerHoney (Post 168858)

This is kind of awkward for him and I don't really know how to go about it. Does anyone have any advice or experience with this particular issue? Did they email, talk on the phone, meet in person?

Welcome to the forum, Sunflower!

Poly is a minefield at first; so don't be embarrassed about asking questions. That's how we learn, isn't it? ;) I've been poly for 2 years and I'm still a baby to it really! In fact, I'm off to ask my own probably stupid question in a minute... ~grins~

You've definitely had some great advice from the others here and it's great that you're listening to it.

If you want some extra personal experience, yes - I definitely agree that it's a brilliant sign that this guy wants your husband's ok. Asking him, as others have suggested, is the best way to find out.

In our poly V, we like to meet potential secondaries before sex happens. Huge bonus points if they actively want to meet us, too. Meeting, for us, can be in person, or online, and depends on our feelings about the new person. For example, one guy who wanted to date my girlfriend was very, very experienced in poly, had a primary partner, and seemed totally clued up - all I wanted from him was a couple of emails on FetLife introducing himself. Another guy who wanted to date my girlfriend was only going to be in town for a few days and wanted a quick fling. She didn't want it in the end - but I would have been ok to give my emotional green light without hearing anything from him. If she gets involved with someone I'm really not keen on, I either never want to meet them and just let her do her thing, or I really want to meet them and suss them out. Hopefully you guys can figure out what works for you! :)

riftara 11-27-2012 06:47 AM


The question has already been answered, but I wanted to say feel free to ask anything here. There are some beautifully experienced poly people on here and they have answers or suggestions for everything!

I'm 5 years in and I still have questions... so dont feel bad at all.

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