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-   -   Thinking of a poly relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3351)

angel 07-31-2010 02:29 AM

Thinking of a poly relationship

I have been with my husband for just over 2 years now and during that time we have been through so much. We have seperated afew times but always come back together. He did physically abuse me at one point but has not done this for over a year. While that was happening he introduced me to a friend of his who i slowly got to know over the space of 15 months. He is so warm, makes me feel alive and we are so emotionally bonded, it feels intense.

I still love my husband, we still feel a strong pull towards each other too. I just dont want to be without either of them and i have always said this to them both.

My relationship with both men has been sexual but not at the same time. I have slept with my friend when husband was not here and i told them this, i have never hidden anything. Both men said they dont want to lose me and wont walk away. I am now pregnant with my friend, my husband knows this too and even though it was not planned, i am happy to keep our baby and so is my friend and husband. I love them both and have been thinking of making it more open or poly. Both men have too thought about it and how we could make it work and they both say they want a part in our babies life.

Its pulling me apart as i cant go more than afew days without one of them, we socialise as a group, are friends to each other and sometimes eat together. We all feel nervous of this but i feel confident that i love them both.

I dont want to feel guilty or betray either of them so i have stopped sex for now, accepting cuddles and a kiss. I still live with husband but see my friend most days. It all feels intense and i am sexually attracted to them both. Do you think that poly could be for me?.

I also love groups of friends, being around people doesnt bother me, i love company :). Where to live etc would be a big one, where to sleep mainly. Everyone is considering this but feeling nervous. I have never lied and am honest with feelings etc, good and bad.

I dont know how to live without them both, they make me feel complete. Any advice please?.

SchrodingersCat 07-31-2010 07:44 AM


Originally Posted by angel (Post 38132)
I dont know how to live without them both, they make me feel complete. Any advice please?.

The biggest hurdle seems to have been overcome: They're both willing to make an effort at a poly relationship.

Naturally, the child will require you to think things through very carefully, but you would not be the first person raising a child in a poly household. Rest-assured, you are in good company!

The only advice I can offer is to continue communicating and being honest with everyone. Beyond that, every person's situation is different and only the three of you can find out what will work best in your lives.

There will be issues that come up, there are in any relationship.

I am worried about the history of abuse with your husband, has he received treatment for this? That would be my biggest concern about bringing the child into your world. While you would always have the choice to leave if the abuse returned, the child may feel more trapped.

angel 07-31-2010 11:51 AM


No he has not received any help yet for the abuse, he is waiting for some counselling, i have 3 weekly psychotherapy however :(

Spoke to my husband last night and his intentions seem unclear or he is confused. Now he is saying that i can explore my relationship with my friend without guilt but he wants to remain in the family home (friend lives across the road).

When i asked him what happens if i have sex with my friend he replied "be honest if you want to/need to, its up to you". Does that sound clear enough?.

I feel a little nervous about this but circumstances have changed the way that i think and feel. When one of them is out of my life i feel miserable.

Its hard as my husband was abusive for most of the relationship. Now that has stopped he wants the perfect relationship but it has changed me and i feel i need my friend to complete me. Whats wrong with loving more than one person anyway?

DazednConfused 07-31-2010 05:20 PM

Hi angel; I'm too new in exploring this, from the mono perspective. Please take my advice with the Salt of coming from a newb. It seems communication really is the key, I find it easier when I can think about things before they happen instead of after. If you have the opportunity to spend some time in the "how would I feel if...and how would you feel if..." before anything happens, in my inexperienced position, and opinion, that may be helpful.

anotherbo 07-31-2010 06:28 PM

Just wanted to express my sympathy and good wishes for you in this emotionally wrenching situation. Hang in there!


Anotherbo :)

redpepper 08-03-2010 06:09 AM


Originally Posted by angel (Post 38167)
Whats wrong with loving more than one person anyway?

Absolutely nothing. I think I would wonder of myself if I were considering your other man as an escape route however rather than a love. I would think that there would be some fear of abuse coming up again and now you have someone to fall back on. Not a bad thing at all, just wonder what will come to pass when you actually have a baby... they change everything. As does conducting a poly relationship... hang in there, all will be revealed I'm sure.

FireChild 08-03-2010 02:36 PM

Lordy lordy.

Be careful. Be really careful.

Kiwibigluv 08-04-2010 02:01 AM


Originally Posted by FireChild (Post 38447)
Lordy lordy.

Be careful. Be really careful.

Indeed - I concur.

It seems that your primary relationship is far too 'rocky' to sustain a further stressor (another partner). This is not a good basis upon which to build a relationship, whether poly or as a couple.

My advice would be to sort your primary relationship out first. Seek counselling.

Building a poly relationship when the primary relationship is insecure is not a good foundation to build on. If you try, it will most likely end badly.

We wish you success.

seren 08-04-2010 08:37 AM

Communicate, communicate, communicate...tread very carefully. It may be that this opens up the conversation, but it's not the right time to bring it into reality. The fact that you slept with the friend before establishing the rules doesn't sit right with me....but I'm glad the your husband seemed to be oaky with it. he may just be going along.

Get things on good terms with your husband and then proceed carefully.

Good luck!

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