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-   -   Waiting, or maybe not. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33479)

LilacViolin 11-25-2012 07:47 PM

Waiting, or maybe not.
 
**Disclaimer: I am sick with a fever, and I think it makes sense but I'm not absolutely sure.**

The uncertainty continues...

I have been dating Rose for two years. Last weekend she visited Orchid for the first time in a little more than two years. (Yes, I am the rebound girl) They really hit it off again, rekindled their love, and they have decided they would like to eventually live near/with each other and be primaries. They also have decided that they would like to continue to be poly, both while they are apart and while they are together.

Rose has asked that we continue to be best friends while she figures out how she feels about *having* a primary, and how it feels to have a secondary. We have always been close secondaries, but we both realize that her romantic focus is now Orchid. (I'm completely happy with that, Orchid is amazing and I think we'd be good friends.) Rose has said, and I believe, that the time is for her to figure how her feelings, how to navigate having a primary and a secondary, rather than how she feels about me.

At first Rose said that I needed to be only her best friend because of how rocky our relationship has been. Now, with processing on her part and open communication, she has told me that this time is about her figuring things out with in her heart and her head rather than us focusing on our relationship. (I had another thread about being in the Friend Zone and now I'm not sure that is the truth. I'm not sure that we will be anything more than friends. I'm just not sure.)

I miss what we had. We have a healthier relationship, truly, but I miss the good of what we had. I'm horrible at being patient. I'm anxious and sad. I'm having a hard time realizing it has just been a week since she saw Orchid. Surely it takes longer than a week to move from having a secondary to having a primary and a secondary. Right? Am I being naive?

If things don't work out with Rose, even with just friendship, I do not want to date anyone right now.

What do you think? Do I give up on all of this? Two years of relationship, including really good friendship (including our kids playing together, shared friendships.) On the other hand, will it be a painful time until she moves to live near Orchid, to just be friends? I should add that, while I will be sad when Rose moves, I fully think it is the best thing for her and completely support her.

P.S. Rose's birthday is soon and I had looked forward to pleasing her for months. Bought clothes and toys. Sigh...

**Edited to add - Orchid has seen a few people with whom she might date. Rose has said that she that part of her thought process is that she feels like a hypocrite being with me while she feels jealous of Orchid's relationships. She has also said that both of them agree to discuss entering (or re-entering) a sexual relationship with each other before having sex with another person. Finally, Rose and I have already discussed being STD-free. Orchid has been very clear that safe sex is important to her because safe sex is important to her, then Rose, then me, then Programmer. I appreciate that she's both believing that she will have a secondary and that safety is important.**

LilacViolin 11-26-2012 02:12 AM

Lol, crickets. :p

NovemberRain 11-26-2012 03:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168792)
Lol, crickets. :p

S/he that can have patience can have what he will. ~ Benjamin Franklin
lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168761)
**Disclaimer: I am sick with a fever, and I think it makes sense but I'm not absolutely sure.**

Sorry to hear you're sick :P that sucks

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168761)
The uncertainty continues...

for me, I have discovered that there is only more uncertainty, and I have spent time building my capacity to live with it. This has resulted in more ease and comfort (for me).

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168761)
At first Rose said that I needed to be only her best friend because of how rocky our relationship has been. Now, with processing on her part and open communication, she has told me that this time is about her figuring things out with in her heart and her head rather than us focusing on our relationship. (I had another thread about being in the Friend Zone and now I'm not sure that is the truth. I'm not sure that we will be anything more than friends. I'm just not sure.)

This is strange to me, I gotta say. I've read it a bunch. It's good she's processing, and it's good she's engaging in open communication. But it doesn't seem to do much to help you, comfort you, or provide you any clarity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168761)
I miss what we had. We have a healthier relationship, truly, but I miss the good of what we had. I'm horrible at being patient. I'm anxious and sad. I'm having a hard time realizing it has just been a week since she saw Orchid. Surely it takes longer than a week to move from having a secondary to having a primary and a secondary. Right? Am I being naive?

How would that be naive? I don't understand what naivete has to do with it. It seems as if you're saying it would take longer than a week, but you're not saying something has come to a conclusion. Are you?

I made the move from sort of being one's girlfriend to being the girlfriend of two in what felt like a minute. It was a few short weeks, or less. But we don't have the primary/secondary thing going on, so I can't really speak to that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168761)
If things don't work out with Rose, even with just friendship, I do not want to date anyone right now.

That seems reasonable, but it sounds lonely. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168761)
What do you think? Do I give up on all of this? Two years of relationship, including really good friendship (including our kids playing together, shared friendships.) On the other hand, will it be a painful time until she moves to live near Orchid, to just be friends? I should add that, while I will be sad when Rose moves, I fully think it is the best thing for her and completely support her.

Why would you give up? What is 'all this'? Will it bring you less pain? Sounds like suck and suckage, and you have to choose which sucks less, OR choose what will bring you round to happiness in the long run. Feelings are much like the weather (as GalaGirl so lovingly points out so often). Keep breathing, your feelings will change.

[QUOTE=LilacViolin;168761] Rose has said that she that part of her thought process is that she feels like a hypocrite being with me while she feels jealous of Orchid's relationships. [QUOTE]

This I don't understand at all. People don't do poly perfectly. Poly is not about not feeling jealousy. Poly is all about what you do with the feelings. Depriving yourself of feeling good because you don't yet have compersion is just silly (to me).

LilacViolin 11-26-2012 03:47 AM

Thank you November.

And yeah, I know, I know, I'm not patient at all. I'm learning it though. :p

A lot of what she's processing and saying is not comforting. It isn't necessarily painful, but it isn't comforting. Knowing what she's processing is comforting though, rather than presuming I know.

I don't know if being her friend will bring me joy or pain in the long run. I can only presume, since we spend time together as family friends, that friendship will feel good. We will see, I have the right to change my mind, I guess.

I think I will talk to her about her feelings, and doing what she thinks is right with her feelings.

And yes, not dating does feel lonely. I feel lonely now, actually. But this isn't forever, just until I get things settled in my head.

jones 11-26-2012 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacViolin (Post 168803)
Thank you November.

And yeah, I know, I know, I'm not patient at all. I'm learning it though. :p

A lot of what she's processing and saying is not comforting. It isn't necessarily painful, but it isn't comforting. Knowing what she's processing is comforting though, rather than presuming I know.

I don't know if being her friend will bring me joy or pain in the long run. I can only presume, since we spend time together as family friends, that friendship will feel good. We will see, I have the right to change my mind, I guess.

I think I will talk to her about her feelings, and doing what she thinks is right with her feelings.

And yes, not dating does feel lonely. I feel lonely now, actually. But this isn't forever, just until I get things settled in my head.

hey hun, sorry you are going though such a hard time, you are such a lovely woman and I hope you work out if friendship is for you, sending you a big hug

judi xx

sparklepop 11-26-2012 02:30 PM

Hi Lilac,

Sorry to hear that you are sick and having a hard time.

So... am I understanding this right? Rose was in a relationship with Orchid, two years ago... they broke up and you were Rose's rebound girl / casual girlfriend / FWB / best friend? Now Rose and Orchid are looking at getting together again, as poly primaries? And she's currently friends with you, possibly going to sleep with you / be romantic, but isn't sure?

If I've got that right... it sounds like what Rose needs right now is space. Emotions can fuck with our heads. Maybe she's worried that if she gets back with Orchid, she won't have the emotional capacity, time or desire for a secondary partner? At least, not at first.

It could be that she is trying to let you down gently, if she is dating other people during this time.

I can only advise you from my own experience. I live in the UK 6 months a year, and the US, with my primary girlfriend, 6 months a year. When I'm in the UK, I start casual secondary relationships. Then, as soon as I'm with my GF, I lose all desire for my secondaries. I also do not have any time. I wonder if Rose is pre-empting that.

On the other hand, I've also used it as an excuse when I haven't wanted to be with a secondary any more. I had a submissive/secondary partner for 6 months who increasingly became more and more needy and clingy until I just couldn't take it any more. I got back to the UK and told her that I was having a break from poly, to just focus on myself and my primary girlfriend, for a while. Unfortunately, she saw me message another girl on FetLife a few weeks later and this hurt her even more. In the end, I was honest with her that actually... it was her... as well as me.

I cannot tell you what Rose's reasons are. She truly, truly could be needing space to sort her head out. Or, she could be wanting to find a way to let you down gently. The best thing you could do? If Rose is anything like me, she'll want to be left alone for a bit. You could send her a message, telling her that you basically won't be in touch for a week/two weeks/month, you want to give her time to herself, but that you are there for her if she needs you - she can call, text, etc. any time.

Sometimes we get what we want most effectively by giving others what they need first. If she needs space, pushing her and clinging to her will create a wedge between you. IF she needs space, then you will undoubtedly impress and touch her by giving her that. Furthermore; if you do withdraw a bit, it gives her the chance to miss you. If you do go your separate ways, this is not a bad thing. The majority of relationships do not last forever - and those that do rarely stay the 'same'... different kinds of relationships... different kinds of love... constantly evolving. 'All things change and we change with them', is the English interpretation of the Latin motto I hold close to me to get me through times like this!

As for not dating anyone... you know, it's not such a bad thing. I was a serial monogamist, having wonderful relationships and then seeking others as soon as I felt lonely in those relationships... I never learnt to be alone. Poly, ironically, is teaching me how to be alone. My GF has myself, her husband, an online boy and is dating other men. Sometimes that leaves me alone... sometimes, it even leaves me lonely. In the past, I've filled that void with other partners.. but it hasn't turned out well. So, right now, I feel a little lonely too, in a different country to my GF, with no other partners... but, I'm working on filling my own void. Learning to love my own company. Someday, we really might need that skill... so, embrace it.

InquiringOne 11-26-2012 05:15 PM

hang in there
 
Hi Lilac,

I hope you feel better soon. I agree with Sparkle who said that giving them space is the right thing to do. Even the offer of it, if they turn you down lets them know you care enough to put them first and not yourself which can go a long way.

If you are lonely maybe you can start work on your relationship with your spouse to make that relationship more enjoyable in the meantime. Then if Rose comes back and wants to continue you relationship everything will be that much better.

Good luck.
Inquiring One


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