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-   -   Help! new to poly and negotiations went badly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3339)

twistedpair9 07-29-2010 07:08 PM

Help! new to poly and negotiations went badly
 
Hi Im so distraught right now so please forgive me if my thread is insane or goes all over the place. Basically I have been dating my SO for 2 years today. He wants poly and I have agreed but have had a hard time accepting some of it. I laid out basic boundaries earlier in our relationship and he has violated most of the really important ones. There has been so much drama and I am left feeling like I cannot trust him at all. That's probably the bigger issue here. MY question is if my request is too unreasonable?

There is a young (20) female he has cheated on me with twice and I fear he might be very much in love with her only she does not return the feelings for him. Our last big break up where he violated our agreement. Had unsafe sex and lied to me. I was forced to move out. 2 weeks afterward he moved the 20 year old in with him. She lives there rent free and gets to drive his secondary vehicle that i once drove. He claims he has not had sex with her in a few months. But does want to continue having occasional sex with her.

He wants me to be his primary and her a secondary.

I am sooo jealous anytime he is not with me and is at home with her. When we tried to set out new boundries because we were getting back together i had a request that if he plans to continue to have sex with her she needs to live somewhere else. and if he isnt going to have sex with her but wants her to continue to live with him she needs to have her own room. every time i go to his place which used to be my home also I have a really hard time being there because i think of them having sex on the bed etc.

Until I feel that i can trust him again I need some peace of mind while hes away from me. The fact she lives there , makes it impossible i constantly worry that hes having sex with her. I go insane and feel like I relive each and every time he has violated my trust. We agreed that anytime one of us has a potential sexual partner that we made the other aware of it prior to having sex and that we would meet the other person first. and with her I just have to be in limbo whenever she decides to have sex with him again like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cannot live with that kind of anxiety anymore it is killing me.

Please let me know if i am being unreasonable. Thank you for any feedback you can give me.

celtickitten 07-29-2010 07:26 PM

Your request is NOT AT ALL unreasonable. He has violated your trust previously and seems to have no real regard for any kind of boundaries you wish to set. If everyone can't agree on terms/rules, then it should be completely off the table. Anything otherwise shows a severe lack of respect, and that's unacceptable.

You can't attempt something like a poly relationship without a foundation of trust, and you don't have that with him. If he disrespected that trust before, he can and will do it again.

Best of luck to you, and I hope things work out to where you can be happy. Ultimately, that's really what any of this is about.

FireChild 07-29-2010 07:59 PM

You're not being unreasonable at all. Unsafe sex can KILL you.


Trust is important in ANY relationship, poly or otherwise.

MonoVCPHG 07-29-2010 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireChild (Post 37929)
Unsafe sex can KILL you.


.


Engaging in unsafe sex when you have other partners is completely selfish and really highlights a persons priority in my opinion....self gratification.

twistedpair9 07-29-2010 08:12 PM

thanks
 
Yes the unsafe sex part i think hurt the worst. The whole reason I decided to accept a poly life was because I have worked as a sex worker for the last several years. safe sex is a HUGE issue to me. I work very hard at being safe getting tested etc and for him to have unsafe sex and not tell me before engaging in unprotected sex with me was like throwing my efforts out the window. Thanks for all your feedback.

NeonKaos 07-29-2010 08:15 PM

If someone wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to dump their partner outright, one way to do it would be by "betraying the trust" of the partner and putting the onus of leaving the relationship on the other partner.

That, and the fact that he moved the 20-year-old in TWO WEEKS afterward should tell you something.

And I don't believe for 0.02 seconds that she's living there and they haven't had sex in over 2 months, but that is neither here nor there.

If I were you, I'd move on with my life and find someone else who appreciates and deserves you.

celtickitten 07-29-2010 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 37934)
If someone wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to dump their partner outright, one way to do it would be by "betraying the trust" of the partner and putting the onus of leaving the relationship on the other partner.

That, and the fact that he moved the 20-year-old in TWO WEEKS afterward should tell you something.

And I don't believe for 0.02 seconds that she's living there and they haven't had sex in over 2 months.

Well said. I don't buy it, either.

MonoVCPHG 07-29-2010 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 37934)
If someone wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to dump their partner outright, one way to do it would be by "betraying the trust" of the partner and putting the onus of leaving the relationship on the other partner.

.

This is a total cop out and also totally true. My situation was different but essentially this is what I did in the past :(

EugenePoet 07-29-2010 08:24 PM

I just wanted to add my voice to the others: you are being REASONABLE.

His behavior is filled with red flags. Either he is trying, subconsciously or otherwise, to drive you away...or he is utterly selfish and lacks respect for you.

I'm really sorry, and I think everyone on the forum would agree that it hurts when something like this makes you see a person in a certain way. But I also think it's necessary to see clearly. Think as quietly and dispassionately as you can about whether he is someone you want to have in your life at all.

Trust is HUGE. To me it's at the center of any functional relationship. If he can't be trusted then what's left? What ground can the relationship stand on?

FireChild 07-29-2010 08:30 PM

I'm with YGirl.

I'm gonna say what I initially wanted to say:

Fuck this fool. You're better than what he's giving you.


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