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-   -   Pregaming NRE or in other words, "Managing NRE Stupidness" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33368)

Petunia 11-23-2012 10:29 PM

Pregaming NRE or in other words, "Managing NRE Stupidness"
I tried searching on this, but the search engine isn't too friendly.

I'm seeking advice on how to manage NRE so that you don't hurt your established partner(s), but you can still enjoy the ride. What are some major failures on the part of the affected NRE person? What are ways to lessen the situation for those who aren't the focus of your NRE? :)


LovingRadiance 11-24-2012 01:43 AM

Don't make changes to agreements while in NRE.
DO schedule extra time with the partner you aren't caught up in NRE over.
Don't break boundaries/agreements.
Do schedule times to not talk about the new partner.
Do schedule time to talk about all the reasons you adore the partner you aren't in NRE over.
Do romance the partner you aren't in NRE over.

BoringGuy 11-24-2012 01:53 AM

Be a grown-up and don't act like a fucking five-year-old with ADHD who just got turned loose in a room full of sugar.

Petunia 11-24-2012 02:08 AM

LR, thanks. Very helpful list.
BG, not so helpful. In fact, rather insulting.

LovingRadiance 11-24-2012 04:15 AM

I've dealt with that topic a lot.
If you need more suggestions-just let me know.

nurseypoo1 11-24-2012 04:38 AM

Thats a great question. Especially since i am not the subject of the NRE in my sitiation. In fact...i feel pushed aside totally. I would suggest DEFINITELY tell ur new "friend" to go home once in a while so u can spend time with ur life partner once in a while. And dont think that EVERY damn thing her or her kids do is so friggin great. Remember who has been with u...through thick and thin...good times and bad...for the last 15 years. And respect them for that. And remember ur life partner needs just as much time with u...if not more...especially since they r monogamous.

LovingRadiance 11-24-2012 05:54 AM

Not 'thinking' or 'feeling' something is unrealistic. What is realistic is not acting or repeating.

Its a lot like new parents, they are enamored by everything their baby does. But no one else wants to hear about every detail and no one else wants to talk exclusively about your new baby.

Likewise-your partner may not want to hear about your new partner daily and in fact may want to hear about your relationship together!

I mysekf have never experienced NRE in poly. However-it has nearly destroyed our family when my husband has experienced it.

Also-remind yourself that the base truth is-all of those good feelings are chemicals dumped into your brain- they will fade. Its NOT that this new person is perfect. Its just a chemical bath you are taking that feels great. The same way meth addicts start out.

For me personally-I have a rule for myself. I don't see new people more than once a week and preferably in a group dynamic for at least a year. Also-I limit conversations to no more than a handful of texts in any given week. Same duration of time.
Sexual contact of any kind-not until after AT LEAST a year or two of being a friend that socializes comfortably with my whole family/household.

It allows me to build friendships while holding all of that excitement at arms length-never letting the fire burn out of control. It also means my life loves have PLENTY of time to build their own friendships with my potentials and to grow comfortable with them before negotiating my romantic entanglements.

But, I dont know anyone else like me in that regard.

Dirtclustit 11-24-2012 06:49 AM

Seeing it for what it is
May be one of the most important things to do. Because it is awful hard to teach your mind to recognize all the situations where the reality it believes in, is not what it appears to be.

Just by asking the question you posed in this thread you seem to be on the right track. That is a good sign you won't be one of the ones who let NRE blinders damage several relationships beyond repair before they recognized the pattern.

It is a lot like knowing the limit on how much you can drink without sacrificing the next day to being devastatingly hung over. And one step further, not drinking past that point.

The ones who learned the lessons the hard way and are willing to give you advice so that you can benefit from their experience are the best people to talk to. Just don't be one of the people who only truly comprehend the lesson after several damaged beyond repair relationships, nor seek advice from someone who has reason to be bitter if you can be the person who understands those hard learned lessons from listening.

perhaps just as important, is to be forgiving to a person who damages their relationship with you while under the influence of NRE (within reason as obviously not all damages are equal)

rory 11-24-2012 11:19 AM

In NRE it is common to be distracted from everything else in life and feel like you're only able to think about this cool new person you met. I find it good to make some space and time for that feeling, but also to balance it out by making the effort to be really present in other things you do and for other people in your life. So, have time with the new person and some time sending exciting emails or texts with them and to fret over how great you feel that person is.

Have some time with a friend to tell them about her/him and be all excited. Then do something else with your friend and ask what is going on in their life. Same with existing partners. Tone down the OMG-the-coolest-person-EVER factor, but let them know that you like this person, and if they are open to hearing about it also tell them some of the reasons why. And then talk about other stuff and do other stuff and really be present in that. The thoughts about your new interest will pop up when you're doing something else but ignore them and focus on the person you're with. And don't text or whatever with the new person continuously, that's hell of annoying. You can ignore the thought you had or the text they sent if you are doing something else. And then when you are done, you can again have time to think about/message with the new person.

BoringGuy 11-24-2012 02:17 PM


Originally Posted by Petunia (Post 168372)
LR, thanks. Very helpful list.
BG, not so helpful. In fact, rather insulting.

Yeah, it is very insulting when an adult acts like a fucking five-year-old with ADHD in a room full of sugar because of NRE. So don't do it.

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