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-   -   Offline dating as a poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33364)

Andy4700 11-23-2012 08:07 PM

Offline dating as a poly
 
Has anyone had any good experiences meeting a partner at random, just as you might if you were mono and dating?

I have never went on a date that didn't have some kind of online beginning. And while online dating is a ton of fun (sometimes...) I have added "ask a random girl out in real life" to my bucket list. Its romantic and seems like it would be a fun dynamic shift from the usual routine of meeting people online.

I am not socially awkward or anything, so I don't really have any worries about the actual asking, but do about feeling deceptive. I like to think that its ok to offer to buy a girl a drink, coffee or dinner just because shes interesting/attractive, but asking seems to carry a stigma (in my head anyway) that you are single.

So I am interested to hear if anyone has done this kinda thing and had good results and maybe get some thoughts from the ladies on how you feel about something like this. If a kind and decent looking guy asks you out and offers to pick up the tab (just mentioning that so its clear only her time is being spent) just because he wants to explore you via conversation, is it a huge deal if it never leads to more than friendship? Would you feel angry and cheated if it turns out hes poly and has someone else special in his life?

Just to be clear - my hypothetical first date ends with a warm hug. I don't kiss/make out/try to sleep with girls on the first date.

nycindie 11-23-2012 09:06 PM

I have much better luck in person than I do online. Shorty was a fix-up from a mutual friend, and others I've dated since embracing poly I have met in various situations, like parties, in stores, waiting in a line somewhere, Starbucks -- it's endless, actually because I tend to strike up conversations wherever I am. There were lots more places I met people before I embraced poly- the subway, the laundromat, an interstate bus, the post office, classes, etc. All the dates I have had via OKC never were fruitful in the long run, but real life usually is better for me.

NovemberRain 11-24-2012 06:26 AM

Like nycindie, I've had better luck in real life. Almost always, it's been meeting someone through people I already know. However, FBF, I met at a mensa gathering (and CBF I met through FBF).

But I'm guessing that nycindie and I are a fair bit older than you, and we learned how to date in a world in which 'online' didn't exist.

I have met several people on line, and had a few dates, but none of them has ever been more than a few dates, or a long correspondence.

It would be a lovely thing for me if it never went anywhere but friendship. But then again, you're asking on a poly board ~ it might get you more fruitful answers to inquire of non-poly people.

RfromRMC 11-24-2012 07:03 AM

Does going to a Poly meetup count? Met one good date that way...with another potential or two in mind.
But that's easier than say at a bar, because you know at least you have a similar lifestyle.
I never have good luck at bars or other single events cuz everyone either wants a one-nighter or they want a husband. Ugh.

Andy4700 11-24-2012 02:20 PM

I don't think a poly meet up would be the same. As you say, everyone attending is poly or is curious about poly.

Novemberrain, you make a good point. I am 28. All my friends - poly and mono - seem to exclusively date online. I know a few that have been set up by friends, but no one that is dating a partner they asked out randomly.

And yeah, I know I am likely to get a bias response on a poly board, but figured it was worth seeing what kind of ideas and experiences were out there :)

ThatGirlInGray 11-24-2012 08:50 PM

I don't do online dating, and I don't go to bars/clubs to meet people either. For me, meeting people online or in person has always revolved around school/work or my hobbies and interests. I've met people through choirs, Anime/Sci-Fi clubs, Renaissance Faires, webcomic/author websites, or sites for some other topic like this one. But also, I don't usually go out on dates with people before I've gotten to know them as friends, so one's relationship status gets brought up before any dating. So if you came up to me and asked to buy me a drink without knowing me at all, I'd probably politely turn you down. Chat with me, get to know me a bit, THEN offer to buy me a drink will likely get much better results.

(If it matters, I'm 35. I met MC in college at Anime Club over 15 years ago and TGIB online on a author's message board over 10 years ago, so I've got both "in-person" and "online" relationships)

Tonberry 11-24-2012 11:23 PM

I don't do online dating, but I talk on online forums (obviously) and chatrooms, and that's how I met both the boyfriends I've had.

In comparison, every man I've asked out in person has said no, both before I was aware of polyamory and afterwards.

My experience isn't typical, though. As far as I understand, most people have more success dating in person than online, whether they are mono or poly.
I think I just work in a very... unusual way, which makes it harder to find compatible partners.

Cleo 11-25-2012 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 168387)
Like nycindie, I've had better luck in real life. Almost always, it's been meeting someone through people I already know. However, FBF, I met at a mensa gathering (and CBF I met through FBF).

But I'm guessing that nycindie and I are a fair bit older than you, and we learned how to date in a world in which 'online' didn't exist.

.

this was a real lightbulb moment ! I'm 43, so I should have learned how to date in a world where ' online' did not exist... except I didn't, because I was too shy / scared/ awkward / emotionally unstable to date much. Married very young, and only started to 'really' date after we opened up our marriage, and I LOVE online dating. Love the initial email contact, and going on first dates.
I met both my BF's this way. My husband, who is older then me, met both his GF's in the real world.

NewPerspective 11-29-2012 04:26 PM

I met my boyfriend online and I use online dating most times because I'm quiet/shy in person sometimes.

I would love to meet people in real life in just normal settings like the subway, supermarket, mall, etc. I guess I need to work on being more outgoing in real life settings.

SchrodingersCat 11-29-2012 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy4700 (Post 168336)
I like to think that its ok to offer to buy a girl a drink, coffee or dinner just because shes interesting/attractive, but asking seems to carry a stigma (in my head anyway) that you are single.

I think that if you're going to experiment with poly, you have to get over being held back by social stigma. Sure, there may be an assumption that you're single, but you're not responsible for the assumptions of others. And if you're poly, so that "not single" does not mean "not available," then I don't see any conflict.

Quote:

If a kind and decent looking guy asks you out and offers to pick up the tab (just mentioning that so its clear only her time is being spent) just because he wants to explore you via conversation, is it a huge deal if it never leads to more than friendship? Would you feel angry and cheated if it turns out hes poly and has someone else special in his life?
As mentioned above, a poly forum probably isn't the best place to ask that. I would never feel angry or cheated if someone I went on a date with turned out to be poly and already with someone. It would be a relief, actually, because it means I don't have to explain my lifestyle.

I personally prefer to date people who are already in a significant relationship. I don't have time to be someone's One and Only, and I find that mono/single people are more likely to make higher demands on my time than people who have someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 168534)
So if you came up to me and asked to buy me a drink without knowing me at all, I'd probably politely turn you down. Chat with me, get to know me a bit, THEN offer to buy me a drink will likely get much better results.

I've never had the problem of being "too popular" so I would probably accept the free drink, just for the company. And, well, I like free stuff. Just don't get all indignant if buying me a free drink doesn't get you a ticket into my pants.


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