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-   -   Is this poly? Am I poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3335)

seren 07-29-2010 07:46 AM

Is this poly? Am I poly?
I'm newish to the forum and have been dipping my toes in and out of the poly world (intellectually) for over a year. I say intellectually because up until a few months ago I hadn't even though we mentioned it to my husband. From the start of our relationship, we've always had fantasies about being with other people and we are generally friendly and flirtatious with those of the opposite sex. we're best friends and actually prefer the company of the opposite sex more than our own (ie: all my friends all of my life have been men).

We started out being interested in swinging but realized that neither of us were up for meeting a person and then having random sex that night. We would love to know a couple that we care about and also are able the intimate with the partner of the opposite sex. However, were not interested in setting up a multi-adult household. We have two children and want to raise them ourselves.

Barring being able to find a couple where we all get along, we'd like to have independent friends with benefits, if that makes sense. I guess it's what you'd call "partnered non-monogamy." Not as serious as a long term partner, but not as casual as a one night stand.

All I read about poly is triad this and V that and shared household this....I'm not sure where we fit in, if at all?

redpepper 07-29-2010 07:57 AM

sounds like you might be poly.

I'm not sure where you are reading to get this information that poly is just for committed vees and triads. On here? There is certainly a lot right now, but hasn't always been and certainly doesn't reflect what is out there. What you are looking for is a quad situation it sounds like. Try doing a search for that. Maybe someone has tagged threads under "quad?"

Bottom line is you can make poly what you want it to be. There are certainly ways of doing things that have been tried and tested to work better for most, but that doesn't mean you can't forge your own way. Making your own description of what you want is the first step... just remember to keep it fluid and open to change as this will mean that whatever it is suppose to be will be able to manifest.

AutumnalTone 07-29-2010 03:31 PM

Poly tangles can be vees or triads or quads or quints or huge sprawling networks that require roadmaps to navigate. They can have everybody living in one house, two houses, three houses, the same town, the same state, the same continent, or merely the same planet.

A quad composed of two couples who maintain separate houses is nothing unusual.

EugenePoet 07-29-2010 04:01 PM

If you are interested in each having a secondary partner -- ie, each of you being in a vee -- then that brings up other dynamics. Your secondaries may or may not have a primary of their own; their needs will be different depending on what other relationships they have and what their personalities are like.

I know several people who are secondaries to a married or primary-committed poly. They have some issues, mostly around needs. But of COURSE there are issues, there are ALWAYS issues! Nobody can ever expect a perfect fit right out of the box. That works for precision-engineered industrial equipment but not for human beings.

Maybe don't overthink? Imagine what might be possible with different people -- married, single, quasi-committed -- but look for the right person, heart and mind first. Then ask how it will work with that person given their other relationships or lack thereof.

seren 07-29-2010 10:31 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I had been watching a lot of you tube videos, reading articles, etc., and it seems like a deeper thing than the more casual approach I'm looking for. Eugene brought up a good point that represents my concerns over being poly. I suppose it's just about finding the right person who is okay with maintaining the boundary of a friend with benefits and not more than that. My concern would be that there would be an expectation in the future for becoming another primary. I suppose I'd want a secondary to whom I am also their secondary. But as you said...it's a process. I just wanted to make sure that my expectations aren't totally out of left field. I'm glad it's up to determination and specific circumstances.

redpepper 07-30-2010 06:44 AM

do some reading on here and you will soon find that there are all kinds of things going on that others have designed just for them... :) you can too.

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