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-   -   Friend-Zoned (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33326)

LilacViolin 11-23-2012 03:27 AM

Friend-Zoned
 
So, Rose returned home from seeing Orchid. Upon returning she told me that she would like to be best friends, affectionate friends, but friends. No sex. She said those two words quite a few times actually.

I feel rejected and sad about the whole thing.

Rose told me that she is not monogamous at all, that she needs time and that we might be able to go back where we were. She said she isn't sure, that she's not leaning a certain way. She just doesn't know how she will feel about me. She said she is in love with me, is sexually attracted to me, but is tired of the relationship angst we have.

It is hard to be friends. I'm not absolutely positive I CAN be friends with her, although I am really trying.

I want to maintain hope. I asked her yesterday about what happened, how we fell apart and she said that we both hit a rough patch at the same time and it was just too much for our relationship. She said that she can't handle a timeline to decide what will happen next. She said she will not date anyone else. She is planning on moving near Orchid and will focus her romantic energy into that relationship. I am absolutely supportive of her relationship with Orchid and have no jealousy issues (lol, um, anymore).

I am working with a therapist about many issues, my relationship with Rose included. I acknowledge some things I really need to work on, and am working on those. I have also been walking on eggshells around Rose for a long time and I have decided I am not doing that anymore. I am also going to let my personality shine. I have hidden it from people for a long time and that isn't healthy. She can like it or lump it, but I am going to be all me.

Should I give up hope? I really don't think that Programmer and I can move into other relationships while I am unsure about this one.

I truly love her. That complicates things so much.

SchrodingersCat 11-23-2012 04:06 AM

I'm sorry that you're hurting. It's never fun when a relationship ends.

I would personally begin the mourning process of the end of the relationship and not expect it to start again.

I'm not an extremely sentimental person, so when things end, I tend to just move on. I have a personal policy against getting back together with an ex. I figure, people break up for a reason and unless there have been significant circumstantial changes in both our lives, I believe those reasons will resurface. It's just not worth the roller coaster ride.

To me "let's put our relationship on hold" is nothing but a weasel way to to say "We're breaking up but I want to keep you as a spare in case things don't work out." It's not being fair to yourself to put your whole life and forward-movement on hold, just for the hopes that she might want you back. You're worth more than that.

I also don't do the "let's just be friends" thing. When a romance ends, I need time to heal. I can't do that if they're still hanging around, a reminder of what things used to be. That's a personal choice and it's not the same for everyone.

Tohru 11-23-2012 04:48 AM

Hmmm, do you think you could go further into the "relationship angst" that you speak of? I think I know what you're saying, but just curious if there are specific details to that.

I also agree with SchrodingersCat (love the username, btw) that it's probably a bad idea to hold on to the idea that something will happen if there's a possibility that it won't happen. I mean, I want to say it's good to be hopeful, but it's not all the time. Sometimes it's best to just let things happen naturally. To not expect anything to happen, but if they do, great! And if she does give you a second chance, then awesome! But it's also not fair for her to keep you waiting on the hook, not knowing if she is going to take you back or not.

I do know the healing process after a break up takes time, so I understand your concern about not knowing if you guys can really be friends or not. I don't think there is any shame in saying that you might need some time to recover and heal. But it sounds like you and Rose could have a healthy friendship down the line, it just might take some time to get to that comfortable friendship place.

Just know your comfort zone, know how to go outside it, but don't strain yourself. Take it one day at a time. Good luck!


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