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-   -   New girl here! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33319)

starsystem 11-23-2012 02:22 AM

New girl here!
 
Hey everyone.

So I'm on here trying to find some like-minded folks and hoping to learn more about polyamory. I've been interested in polyamory for years. I've casually dated poly folks who have primary relationships, but it never really got past a few dates, so my experience is pretty much zilch.

I've often struggled with it, fearing jealousy and possessiveness. I've always found that I am really insecure in monogamous relationships... I've been told that my wants and desires from my partners are absolutely unfulfillable. Probably because what I really want is more than one person!

Recently I started taking my interest in polyamory more seriously when I met someone I was interested in who was in a relationship. We hit it off very quickly, without really meaning to and found ourselves experiencing some feelings for each other. We talked about polyamory together, and even read Opening Up together. He decided he wanted to talk to his current partner about opening their relationship, as he also feels like he is polyamorous and would like to see me in a romantic capacity.

To say the least, that went terrible. I've spent the past week talking to him even though he is not allowed to speak to me. He's given vague hints that he might break up with her, that he won't settle for anything less than being able to see me. I am, naturally, uncomfortable about it. I don't really want to start a poly relationship when their partner doesn't really want me to be there! Obviously he has to come to his own conclusions, but the whole situation is making me really insecure... Feelings of jealousy are popping up, and it's a giant mess! Ugh.

Anyway, regardless of how things end up with this guy, I do plan on seeking out poly relationships exclusively from here on out. My friends have responded pretty negatively to this latest development in my life--insisting there is no way I'd ever be happy that way.

We'll see. I thought reading other folks' experiences would make me feel a little stronger about starting this new chapter!

Thanks everyone!

Tohru 11-23-2012 03:26 AM

Actually the first person I had a crush on other than my husband was already in a relationship too...thankfully with someone who was polyamorous, and she was the one who told me about the lifestyle and encouraged me to read more about it. Once I started educating myself about it, I realized I really identified with it, and that is when my husband and I talked about opening up our relationship.

It's been a bumpy ride, but I'm glad I finally figured it out. I feel a lot more comfortable being polyamorous than I ever did when I was monogamous.

LilacViolin 11-23-2012 03:29 AM

Hi :) Sounds like your journey into polyamory is just beginning too. I have found that this is a great board for these discussions.

kdt26417 11-23-2012 07:16 AM

Hi starsystem,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like your would-be partner needs to have some long talks with his pre-existing partner, figure out what he wants, what she wants, what he can live with, and what she can live with. He may need to slow down his relationship with you while working all this out.

I encourage you to do considerable reading and posting on this site, to get your own thoughts organized. It takes time and much knowledge to build a poly relationship and make it work.

Would his pre-existing partner be willing to read "Opening Up?" It might help.

With sympathies,
Kevin T.

Tohru 11-23-2012 07:43 AM

I think she mentioned having read Opening Up with him. Speaking of which, I'm sure people would recommend that book, but I've already read Ethical Slut. If anyone has read both books, how do they compare? Do they cover similar topics, or do either books cover different subjects regarding polyamory? I'm definitely interested in reading it, I just was curious how similar/dissimilar it was to Ethical Slut.

Anyways, I hope you can keep healthy communication with this guy and I hope everything works out for the better :)

kdt26417 11-24-2012 10:02 PM

I personally prefer "Opening Up" over "Ethical Slut;" Opening Up covers more ground and seems to have less shock value. But, Ethical Slut has many positive points and is preferred by many.

Tohru 11-24-2012 11:40 PM

Very cool! I plan on reading it soon. I have a queue of books to read. Isn't that always the case? ;)

kdt26417 11-25-2012 07:55 AM

My queue, with my slow rate of reading ... sigh, I need more lifetimes.


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