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-   -   Crazy after all these years? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33297)

hylierandom 11-22-2012 09:12 AM

Crazy after all these years?
This is off-topic to the other thread I started...but some of the responses seemed to require a response, I guess?

(mods, move it if it needs moved, please...)

People seem to suggest I needed to heal...Yeah....spot on...Totally agreed...I do need to heal.
Annnnd...I've been in and out of therapy my entire life, pretty much. :rolleyes:

My current therapist is a trauma specialist.

My T and I did take a hiatus, but I've been working with her off and on for 7 years.
I've been working on it...and working...and working...
...At what point am I supposed to be "healing" and at what point am I supposed to be... I dunno, "operable?" "All fixed?"
When am I supposed to get a little approval stamp that tells me I'm healthy enough to be in a relationship?

...I'm getting out of a fairly destructive marriage, within which I felt horribly deprived of just about everything I needed emotionally and sexually...And yes I'm still sorting it all.
...I am grieving it. I still cry off and on, some nights I get really drippy.
I've only really gotten mentally and emotionally strong enough to leave her recently....I did try to fix it, but eventually saw there was no possible way to be happy with her.

...How long do I have to remain in agonizing loneliness? I've already been there for years, within the carcass of my marriage.

Another reason I bring this up...
I go to another support board for sexual abuse survivors...there are folks there still actively healing in their 60's.

I don't expect to ever be fully "over" my awful childhood. The goal is...to both remember it all and have it be something that is over now, something I'm at peace with.
I'm far from there yet, and I work hard at it.

...I guess I'm sort of responding to the idea that you have one box labeled "healing," and another "living." which is what I picked up on in the other thread.

It's a misconception of sorts, I think...I think that healing, growing, and changing...metamorphosing...this happens as one goes about paying the bills, cooking dinner, laundering your clothes, feeding the kids or the dog or both, doing your daily meditations, caring for your body.

...Interacting with your lovers.
...Too, my own experience is that one heals in relationships. Not necessarily romantic ones. Any relationship with love in it can be healing, though. My best friend and I, both survivors of sex abuse by our own family members...we've healed each other a lot through love and caring.
...Basically, healing ought to not be this little isolated thing, it needs to spread outward and merge with one's living, so that one is healing, and living, and growing...all the time.
You don't put your life on hold until you're all fixed. Everything is a growth experience if you use it.

...I'm going to stop bloviating now and try to get some sleep.

NovemberRain 11-22-2012 06:29 PM

respectful virtual hugs offered :)

I know what you mean. I didn't remember my childhood until I was 28ish. And when I remembered what I remembered, it felt a lot like everything I had ever believed or known was turned inside out and upside down and backwards. I talked to anyone who would sit still for about five years. I did lots of some steps forward and more steps back.

I felt 'better.' I never stopped being in relationships (well, I took a break from romantic ones for a few years, intentionally), I never stopped working, I was barely functional a lot.

I didn't have a flashback until I'd been 'dealing' for 10 years! I've only ever had like two. But I still feel the need to warn people, because that's the deal: one doesn't know when something weird will happen.

Many, many years after I had long been in recovery, I got jury duty. Everything was fine. They said 'look at defendant, does anyone know him, or the legal team.' No. Fine. Then they read the charges. He was charged with lewd and lascivious acts in a public restroom in a local park. AFTER they read that, I realized he looked just like the family 'friend' who had raped me when I was 12. I wigged out. Completely lost my nut. I told the bailiff that I needed to tell the judge why I could not do this, and I'd prefer to do it privately. So after lunch, they called me (and I think there were one or two others that needed private as well) in. 'Private' was still in front of all the legal teams and the defendant. I had to sit in the witness chair and explain my deal. That was really challenging. The judge was totally compassionate and sent me packing. But the worst about it was the surprise. I had really believed I was 'over it' and beyond it.

I have since done more work and I suspect that same situation would not get the same reaction from me now. However, the point is, you don't know.

My massage therapist told me something wonderful, that I still ponder. If you have a piece of wood, say that you're making a beautiful piece of furniture. and every day, for years, every day, someone spends time warping the grain in the wrong direction, it will grow warped. No matter how much sanding and varnish or bondo you add, the wood is warped. You can still make a functional piece of furniture, but every time you put a glass on *that* spot, it will fall over. So you find another spot. [he just actually said about the warping, I made up all the rest]

I promise, you will have a day when you realize you are living, and mostly functional, and your 'work' will be a hobby or a place you go for band-aids.

hylierandom 11-22-2012 09:32 PM

I'm sorry you too have landmines in your head. Sucks to run into one.

I find breathing meditation practice to be VERY useful -when panic attacks occur, I sit and focus on my breathing until they go away.


If you have a piece of wood, say that you're making a beautiful piece of furniture. and every day, for years, every day, someone spends time warping the grain in the wrong direction, it will grow warped. No matter how much sanding and varnish or bondo you add, the wood is warped.
...I mean to do a painting of a tree used for a living fencepost, there's a number of them around where I live...The tree grows around the barbed wire, and it's not the prettiest thing...but the tree manages to live past the barbed wire stuck in its' flesh.

CattivaGattina 11-27-2012 04:03 PM

*more virtual hugs*

I've been in recovery for various abuses since I was 12 (range from physical, emotional, and sexua, abuses started at 5, therapy started at 12l). I know I still have triggers that I haven't even uncovered yet so when people get close to me (romantically or friendship wise) I try to fill them in on what I do know.

I know I still have times where I can barely function (particularlly in my job, but part of that may be that I'm wired to be a housewife not a working girl). But I feel that as long as I'm willing to actually continue to work on trying to make sure that I'm getting better even at times when I crash as long as I can be honest with my partners than I'm healthy enough for a relationship.

I like the concept of having the idea of having a box of healing and living but something I've learned for myself that one of the things that has helped me heal is allowing myself to live. Not pushing myself past what I know I can't handle but recognizing that if there is something that may be hard but shouldn't send me down a tail spin taking that chance with the support of those I know I can trust (and that doesn't have to be a romantic partner, it can just be a best friend).

November: That's crazy that they had you say why you couldn't in front of the defendant. The only time I've been on jury duty and annouced I would be unable to sit on the trial the judge had me talk to him in private.

On the wood thing. I think of it kinda like Joshua Trees (which are really lillies). You have this plant that grows in such a harsh enviornment that shapes it to twists and bends and turns but not only is it able to still live with all those difficulties it eventually hits a point where it can thrive. That's what I think using living to heal can help do.

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