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-   -   OMG - What do I do??!?!?!?! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33296)

wounded 11-22-2012 04:15 AM

OMG - What do I do??!?!?!?!
 
My partner hooked up with a woman without inquireing about a current AIDS/HIV test or any other STD testing. He went down on her with out any protection. He did use a condom for the sex. What are the next steps.

GalaGirl 11-22-2012 04:24 AM

I am so sorry you are experiencing this! :(

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first, and look after your long term health -- mind, body, heart and soul. One thing at a time. BREATHE.

He def gets tested. So do you.

Then you could choose things to do for each "health bucket."

EMOTIONAL HEALTH / SPIRITUAL HEALTH
  • Do your own TLC and self care things so you can be at a more calm place and tend to the other buckets not struggling with fresh "heat of the moment" feelings. I don't know what those are for you -- a heart to heart with a friend? A bubble bath? A massage? Prob many things.

MENTAL HEALTH
  • talk and do the work of trust repair
  • do not do the work of trust repair
  • (this depends on if you are willing to forgive him or not and if this behavior is a dealbreaker with you.)

PHYSICAL HEALTH
  • do not have sex at all ever
  • do not have sex until tests come in
  • have sex, but only with toys, gloves, condoms, dental dams etc

Again -- I am sorry you are going through this. :(

GG

wounded 11-22-2012 04:55 AM

trust repair
 
How do you do "trust repair"

GalaGirl 11-22-2012 08:06 AM

Well, it would have to start with apology from him.

Then you have to decide to forgive or not.
  • If forgive, what he needs to do to make amends so the relationship can continue.
  • If not forgive, how to end the relationship.

How exactly the details of all that will be done in your situation and in what order -- I do not know. You may want to seek a counselor to help you sort.

But just because this is polyship, doesn't mean you cannot access resources meant for monoships. Marriages recovering from a cheating partner -- oodles of books, articles, resources. You could google.

But just an idea for the steps in one conflict resolution method style -- here is one article.

A monoship acquaintance of mine praised marriagebuilder as a thing that's resonated with them and helped them because they chose to repair. I don't know if that approach could work for you or not -- but there's other approaches.

I don't even know if you are WILLING to repair or if you are at a deal breaker place. Are you dealing with a break up? Are you dealing with recovering from a break in trust? What IS this animal? Have you decided? Prob not. But don't rush making the decision.

You don't have to know yet or have instant answers. That's the thing.

I think maybe you are emotionally flooding right now at THIS point in time because it is fresh. So it's best to just TLC yourself first before making more decisions that just ramp up the high emotion with more anxiety. BREATHE.

One thing a a time. It's hard to feel, but you will get there. One thing at a time, one day at a time... you will move yourself to a Healing Place bit by bit and process one thing at a time. BREATHE.

And you have all the time you need. You don't have to hurry or do anything now other than just BREATHE.

Do your basics -- eat well, sleep well, get a check up if this is taking a toll on your sleep/eats/causing mega stress or mega anxiety. Get a massage... whatever you "TLC myself things are."

Namaste,
Galagirl

TOROdeSerenity 11-22-2012 01:37 PM

This is how my poly relationship began. .my girlfriend slipped up and ventured out. I swallowed it and we began our polyamorous relationship where this was now allowed (that person is excluded due to trust issues). STD issues are real and I would be concerned but try to be open and understanding. Get tested if you feel there is a need. Being sexually active with multiple partners does increase STD exposure but does not definitively guarantee someone in the mix has an STD. Deal with the health issue first, trust issue second and the relationship issue third. Move forward, don't condemn, understand.


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