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-   -   New To This and Needing Help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33293)

orligirl16 11-22-2012 12:07 AM

New To This and Needing Help
I've been in a monogamous relationship for 3 years with my now fiance. Long story short, I met a guy I work with and he reminds me of my fiance, very sweet, easy to talk to, very loving, and poly. Poly itself intrigues me and there are some things my fiance is uncomfortable doing intimately that I will NOT force him to do. I just wanted to see what this "other side" is like, and when I talked with my fiance openly about it and how I feel and what I wanted, he gave me permission that I have continually asked if he is okay with it.

My fiance is the only man I've ever been intimate with and he said he "understands my desire to explore". I really do love my fiance- but this "love" with the gent I work with is a more emotional connection than anything.

Even with his permission I still feel like I'm.... not doing anything wrong, but that I'm taking two people for granted I guess. I do have some feelings for the guy I work with but I believe those stem from how much he reminds me of my fiance (also the fact that my fiance and I are going through a dry spell/rough patch).

Is there anything I should be aware of, or anything I should do with this that I may not already be doing? It doesn't feel like I'm cheating in the slightest, and i've been the "other woman" on that side of things before without knowing it until it was almost too late. I'm not going through that emotional trauma again. At least with poly I can be open and honest.

Any advice for me on this one?

nycindie 11-22-2012 01:56 AM

Is this all just speculation because you've found yourself attracted to this other man, or has your coworker expressed an interest, like flirting with you, or asking you out? Does he know you're into him? Or did you already start to date him? His part/participation is unclear.

As to what you should be aware of and what you should do, basically, be honest - with yourself and these two men. Stay aware of your feelings and if it doesn't feel right, don't barrel over your own emotional life. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I've never dated two guys before, and I don't know what I'm doing."

Also, ask this guy what his expectations are, and how he incorporates poly into his life. Ask a shitload of questions. Does he have rules or boundaries in his other relationship(s) that would affect you? And figure out what your own personal boundaries are. What do you need to feel respected, appreciated, and whatever else you may be looking for out of this? Talk to your fiance about what safer sex means to the two of you and know what you can do. Then assess whether or not it's a good fit for you, before jumping into the sack with him. Keep your eyes and heart open and your feet on the ground, and you'll be fine.

JaneQSmythe 11-22-2012 02:02 AM

Hello and Welcome to the forum!

It sounds like you have had some good conversations with your fiance and have come to some understandings. Have you had similar conversations with the new guy about what you are really offering? Some guys in this situation might (if they have no poly experience) assume that you are shopping for your "next guy" (i.e. if it works out well you would leave your fiance for them) - so you want to be clear there as well. (You may have had this conversation, but it is not clear from your post).

You might also want to take a close look at what you mean by:


Originally Posted by orligirl16 (Post 168055)
I still feel like I'm.... not doing anything wrong, but that I'm taking two people for granted I guess.

In what way do you feel that you are taking them for granted? ARE you taking them for granted? If you are NOT taking them for granted, then what is it that makes you feel that way?



Originally Posted by orligirl16 (Post 168055)
I do have some feelings for the guy I work with but I believe those stem from how much he reminds me of my fiance

You mention earlier that your connection to this fellow is an "emotional" one but then seem to minimize that to "some feelings" and then explain them away. Do you like him for himself or because he is playing the part of some idealized version of your fiance? (Perhaps how you saw your fiance during the early NRE phase of your relationship?)

AND this concerns me somewhat:


Originally Posted by orligirl16 (Post 168055)
(also the fact that my fiance and I are going through a dry spell/rough patch).

Poly has a tendency (at least it seems to me) to shine a spotlight into the dark corners of relationships. Small cracks can become great divides. It seems that, for people who are already in relationships, it is fundamental that the original relationship be rock-solid in order to survive the heaves and waves that the transition to poly can induce as the relationship flexes and changes to accomodate. It is often noted on these forums that the formula "Relationship broken...add more people." seldom ends well.

I don't know if anything I have said/asked is relevant or helpful, hopefully others will add their insight. In the meantime, enjoy poking around and reading our stories and dilemmas.


PS. Cross-posted with NYCindie - good questions and advice in that post.

orligirl16 11-22-2012 02:04 AM

Well, I have asked shit loads of questions. He has his "wife" whom he refers to as his partner and then his girlfriend who is also his partner. We have done a load of flirting and he is up to speed on everything the same as I am. We've been through the "sex talk" and what is and is not allowed between myself and this other man. I keep my fiance in the loop as much as he wants to be- I bring up the subject to discuss it with him, as him how he feels about it, etc. If he were to have any objections then I would stop this.... emotional relationship as it's going on now with work guy.

Both of his partners are fine with me, they are very open with it and one even started calling me his "work girlfriend" before we even got to this point so that's no issue.

I'm doing my best to keep both feet on the ground, we are not sexually active as of yet, but cuddling is a big part of it thus far and I enjoy that immensely. He knows that my fiance is the only man I've ever had physical relationships with and all of that. He knows my history to a point and what I am and am not comfortable with doing.

Other than that, like I said, this is just new to me and I still worry about my fiance- but he seems to be on a "don't ask don't tell" kick. He knows it's happening, he's okay with it happening, but said that he's not going poly himself.

orligirl16 11-22-2012 02:08 AM

Oh, and no, he's not a "replacement" for my fiance- he reminds me of my fiance to a degree but he is his own person- a different individual from my fiance. I'm not "shopping around" but the feelings I'm starting to have for this new guy are the same I have for my fiance.

The dry spell/rough patch has actually gotten better since the start of this- fiance and I are more open and communicating more.

Does any of that help?

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