Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   I'm part of a what? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33259)

summersolstice 11-21-2012 04:46 AM

I'm part of a what?
Coming from monogamy as of 3 weeks ago. Interesting situation: I (female) meet a guy from Craigslist, C, start dating him, and eventually move in with him. I find out what an irresponsible adult he is, and soon end things, and soon after move out. Less than a week after I end things (but before I've moved out), he's reminding me daily he's going to see other people, and oh, this one day he's got a date. He ends up seeing this married gal T for weeks, T basically living at my place, and the two of them ask me to go out with them, not just once, but over and over again. My ex, C, who is dating T, tells me that I should come along on Halloween night because he (C) and T and T's husband will be there, and I can meet T's husband, J. I'm glad I went because J and I really hit it off. I have never been exposed to polyamory before, and I've never had two partners, though I've been in the dreaded monogamous situation of being locked in a lengthy relationship and trying to get water from a rock and wanting to look elsewhere... so ... I guess where I'm going with this is... T is dating my ex, and now I'm the girlfriend of a guy who's married... so now I've got to deal with feelings about... what if I want to marry someone who isn't marryable? I know that there are ceremonies etc etc, but that's not what I mean... what I mean is, how do I deal with those feelings of knowing I'll have to find someone else...someone who can live with me who doesn't already have a home and wife? Not saying I want to marry this particular guy, just using the situation as an example. Perhaps I'm just still too new to understand, and those feelings need more time to occur...?

Much appreciation for your wisdom.


LovingRadiance 11-21-2012 07:54 AM

You feel the feelings, consider them and make decisions. There's no sure fire answer to the question.
I have lived with my husband for 14 yrs and my boyfrie d has lived with us for 10 of those years. I suspect we will live under the same roof until we accomplish building multiple homes on one property so we can each have our own and whoever else is in the mix can too.
We are definitely life-partners and wedding ceremonies are arbitrary.

nycindie 11-21-2012 07:20 PM

Whoa there, slow down. It's only been three weeks, right? Just see how it goes. It's way way way too soon to be getting attached, moving in with anyone, or wondering about marriage. Enjoy yourself.

AnnabelMore 11-21-2012 07:39 PM

Actually, I think its a reasonable concern. You don't want to give it three months, six months, a year, and then find that you're in so deep that you couldn't end it without wrecking your heart, and yet you feel you can't possibly be happy like this because you can't have the sort of relationship with him that you want.

So, if you're not comfortable with the idea of getting too involved with a person who already has a primary partner, then you can choose to keep the relationship "secondary" in your lives -- have fun together, take it as seriously as you both want to, but don't start building your lives as a unit, dont blend finances or move in. A relationship can be serious and committed without taking on all the trappings of a traditional two-person partnership. And, that way, assuming you continue dating other people, you'll be more likely to have the space/time/logistical-capability to form a primary partnership with someone else in the future. Someone else who doesn't mind you having a boyfriend of course, but obviously such people exist or else none of this would be possible. :)

Alternately, perhaps there will be the possibility, at some point down the line, of you and his wife being co-primary with him. You could all share a home, share chores and bills, have kids with him, even have a ceremony and write up a contact that mimics a marriage contract -- people have certainly done that. Obviously, that would require you and his wife to get along well, and for both of them to also see that as a future possibility.

Either way, the first step is a conversation. Ask him where he sees this going, and what he considers possible/preferable, with the understanding that you're just feeling out the far-future possibilities, since this is all new territory for you.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:29 PM.