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-   -   Realized Where My Jealousy Comes From (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33241)

Witch 11-20-2012 05:48 PM

Realized Where My Jealousy Comes From
So I made a little break through just now. My husband and I are in a somewhat open relationship. I say somewhat only because we're not open about it publicly. I feel like I am more "warmed up to" poly then my husband is, and as such we are taking it slow. Honestly I get very excited when I think my husband may have an interest. I don't know why, I just do. However, when a woman comes on to my husband I get very jealous. I always beat myself up over it because I think to myself WHY? Why do I feel this way.

BUT! I found out why. It's because we're not public about it that gets me jealous. It's because those other women do not realize we're open. I realized my jealousy stems from the feelings of disrespect that the woman in question is placing upon my husband and me. Its obvious we are married, ring and everything. And its posted on whatever social networking site we're on, and its usually over the internet that it happens. Maybe its cause its on the internet that lets these women feel no fear or shame when hitting on a married man. That just makes me more irritated, cause now I feel like they are cowardly as well. Why are you going to hit on a married man that appears to be in a happy monogamous relationship?

You may ask, you're in an open relationship, so why does it matter? I knooooow... Maybe I'm being a bit hypocritical, but if we were more public about it, and THEN someone hit on my husband I'd feel much much less territorial. When we decided we were going to be open, whenever he tried to court a lady, I felt no jealousy at all, I felt excitement and happiness. I feel that if were public about it, i think the same feelings would reign true for other people coming on to him. X3

Am I wrong for feeling this way? How do I deal with it without going public? Uggh lol

ThatGirlInGray 11-20-2012 07:03 PM

I don't think you're wrong. I can understand feeling disrespected when someone who isn't aware of your situation hits on your husband, since he presents publicly as "taken". It may help to keep in mind, though, that there's a chance (however small) that these women are aware of poly and are checking to see if your husband is or would be open to it as well. Unless you're ONLY going to date within the "out" poly community, you sometimes have to broach the subject with those who appear taken! (Respectfully, of course. I understand that's probably not the case most of the time for you and him, but maybe it would help you to give the other women the benefit of the doubt.)

For me, MC getting hit on by others doesn't trigger jealousy. It triggers amusement, because 1) he almost NEVER realizes he's being hit on. He's rather oblivious, to the point where you pretty much have to kiss him for him clue in. And 2) I snicker (unkindly, I'll admit) at how a random stranger hitting on MC has NO CLUE what they'd would actually be in for. Yeah, he might be interested in dating them. And along with that would come me and TGIB, and our kids, and...yeah. Hardly a stereotypical "I'm dating and/or sleeping with a married man" arrangement! So, perhaps trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing would help your jealousy?

It's not a fun feeling, especially when you know it's a little ridiculous. I wish you luck in trying to move past it! I think you're already on a good path since you sound like you know it's silly and aren't asking your hubby to change his behavior to help you feel better. But don't beat yourself up over it either! Feelings happen. You're doing what you can to recognize the triggers so you can more effectively deal with it, and that's about all you can do!

SourGirl 11-20-2012 09:03 PM

Just a thought,..but while you have found a key trigger, for your husband to work on to help you feel better, you might want to re-examine your thoughts towards flirting.

Even in a monogamous world, in many types of social circles, monogamy does not mean 'dead'. It simply means there is a line, you do not cross. In many circles flirting is fun, and complimentary. As long as everyone knows who's bed they are obligated to each night, that defines the 'taken' aspect in many monogamous lives.

Soooo to answer the question of why they are hitting on a man they think is married and mongogamous,... it's not to disrepect you, but because it feels 'safe' to flirt with someone already 'taken'.

Of course there is always the ready-and-willing kind, but that's their problem, not yours,..jealousy and anger, make it your problem.

I know,..easy to say, harder to do. :cool:

Witch 11-21-2012 02:08 AM


It may help to keep in mind, though, that there's a chance (however small) that these women are aware of poly and are checking to see if your husband is or would be open to it as well.
Yeah that's pretty much on how I go on about dealing with it so far. X3 I'm not super jealous or anything and it passes quickly. Before hand I just didn't like feeling it, haha. I didn't get it. At this point just knowing why it bothers me is enough help to get me over it quickly. It doesn't feel like jealousy now, just feeling disrespected. However, I told my husband that I'd feel best that if a woman does hit on him and he's interested, to just go ahead and see where it takes him after a conversation or two. If she seems seriously interested, that one of the first things to bring up is that I actually know everything and that we're in an open relationship. From that point I'd like the option to become her friend, if she feels comfortable with it.

I mean my limit is, I'd like to AT LEAST be on speaking terms with any serious interests... and now I'm delving into something that may need a different thread. lol.

SchrodingersCat 11-21-2012 02:55 AM

For a lot of women, especially married ones, flirting with a married guy is "safe." They assume that it's not going anywhere, so they won't have to confront that whole "You came on to me, and now you're rejecting me" drama. Plus, if their husband finds out they're flirting with a married man, they're less likely to flip out, since they will also assume it's just harmless flirting. Whereas flirting with a single man means you're actually looking for something, and that can be dangerous.

That's the optimistic perspective.

There's also the downside that some of those women are married and seeking to cheat on their husbands. Cheating with other married people is also "safer" than cheating with single people, because "it doesn't mean anything, it's just sex." In other words, a married woman may feel she can cheat with a married man, and that he will not pressure her to leave her husband the way a single man might.

Witch 11-21-2012 03:42 AM

Wow, thats quiet an interesting perspective. I didn't realize all that. X3 If its anything, its single women who hit on him... Or his "I just got divorced and have to deal with my two kids, please come comfort me"-ex... O.o... Even he was like... uhhh.. noooooo.. lol

SchrodingersCat 11-21-2012 12:26 PM

Yeah, it's a little scary how developed the cheating culture is. Some people like to pretend their affairs "just happen," as though they have no control over their actions. But a surprising number of people put a lot of thought and planning into their affairs: how to find someone, how to keep it a secret, how to prevent it from going "too far."

Hmm... but I have to say, I don't see the problem with single women hitting on your husband, from their perspective. Is it respectful to you? Perhaps not. But respect is earned, not entitled. In reality, it isn't their responsibility to put the brakes on that behaviour. They aren't married, and lots of couples don't see anything wrong with "harmless" flirting. It's fair for them to test the waters with the assumption that your husband will discourage them if it's a faux pas.

And don't forget, your husband is not a passive bystander in this exchange. Is it not possible that they start off with one small flirt, and then he returns a small flirt and it builds from there? No one likes to be rejected; I doubt they would keep at it if he wasn't encouraging them in some way. Do you follow the whole conversation from start to finish, or do you just notice part way through when it's reached a point of obviousness?

Think of hotties at the bar. A guy comes up to her and indicates that he's interested. She can turn around and ignore him, she can be polite and say "thanks but no thanks" or she can giggle and pretend to be flattered, even though she'd like him to fuck off. If she returns the attention, it encourages him. He will rightly take that as permission to try the next step in the courting dance. That's how the game works. If these women drop the first hint and your husband doesn't outright reject it, then it's reasonable for them to believe it's fine to continue.

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