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cattwoman 07-27-2010 04:50 PM

help
 
I am new to poly relationships-in my first one and only for 7 months... There has definitely been a learning curve and learning seems to be a continual process. My relationship is with a married couple that has been married for um-teen years with 2 children and a "foster" child (who should be leaving in soon). When things are good-they are great (wonderful even). We all three enjoy spending time with each other outside the bedroom-we have similar interests and enjoy activities together. Its the consistency that is a continual factor.

The wife seems to run emotionally hot and cold. Its not just towards me (though I take a lot of emotional baggage from her) but there is a constant emotional roller coaster. She needs constant attention often though when I make these attempts I get half hearted response or sometimes none at all. I am seriously concerned of depression and even bi-polar tendencies. Some times things are great-I'm included in family functions and events however when things take a turn and her "deamons" take over I get completely shut out. I am then required to make advances emotionally and physically that is hard for me to do because each time I am pushed farther and farther away. I do care about her and her feeling however I recently have had some medical and family issues that have taken a toll on me emotionally that I am requiring more from the relationship. I believe that these needs have been a constant but the demands of maintaining happiness of another individual when yourself is requiring more is emotionally and physically tasking. I have been though my own personal struggles-a year and a half ago I lost my job, got divorced and battled fiercely with depression. I have work so hard to make changes in my life to improve it and now am faced with the same situation which caused my previous issues (dealing with a boss with mental illness that emotionally mind screwed me for years resulting in depression etc.).

The problem is I am seriously falling for the husband-he is absolutely everything I have ever looked for in a relationship. He has made me realize my own self worth and inner beauty. he is a constant source for happiness and I love the little glimpses of a relationship I can have with him. Our relationship exists at their place-only in the presence of his wife. We do have texting relationship which we reserve for when he is at work and occasionally more "private"/"family" time- greatly respect their time together ad my avoidance during those times has even made him upset but I am attempting to respect their time as a couple. I receive an occasional phone call usually only when stresses of the relationship is causing problems but in 7 months I have gotten maybe 5 phone calls... His text messages and fb messages are read by his wife on a routine basis. We have never attempted to "meet" or hook-up behind her back-there is the obvious reasons but beyond cheating I have deep feelings of respect to their relationship and family that I refuse to be "that girl"... I care about her enough that I don't allow those feelings or desires to even be considered.

I guess my problem is that I feel that until she is able to work on her inner "deamons" that we can not have a functioning relationship. We have discussed therapy and counseling for her to work on issues (she admittedly has "baggage" that causes a great deal of her feelings and also the walls she builds between us) and initially she was open and even asking for help however more recently she has decided against professional help. I am realizing thought that I can not be the person responsible for her happiness because emotionally I am loosing myself. We need more communication but the problem is that neither deal with issued well-we have both joked that avoid avoid avoid is out motto. and usually when we have had to deal with things she is more confrontational and I usually sit back and take more than I give.

Does anyone have any suggestions or can offer any advice on dealing. I do dare I say love him but have said numerous times that if necessary I'll walk away to keep things right between them. I do care about them both but her attitude is making it much more difficult to have and share emotions for her. I am attacted to her physically but when the personal is there it makes it more difficult (she is only the second girl I have been with).

SourGirl 07-28-2010 03:45 PM

Quite honestly, she has to want to change.

She is not going to want to change, because as it stands right now,..she gets everything she wants. What motivation does she have to be any different ?

Right or wrong, she appears to be the puppet master.

As the outsider looking in,..this is not something you are going to be able to fix. This is a long-ingrained set up between the husband and the wife. It has to come from them; - the desire to change.

I am sure you have done the neccessary backflips,..and he has tried 'talking' to her,..and she has opened up here and there,...but ultimately, by your own story, things are the same.


Look after yourself first,...love shouldnt make you sick.

MonoVCPHG 07-28-2010 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superjast (Post 37738)


Look after yourself first,...love shouldnt make you sick.

^ this times two.

Quath 07-29-2010 02:28 AM

You are not responsible for her happiness. You can be there to help, but it is ultimately up to her. I have seen relationships fall apart because of depression or bi-polar. Hopefully, she will seek therapy or get on some medication. I have seen medication save other relationships.

HappiestManAlive 07-29-2010 04:35 AM

I have even stronger feelings on some of this, having seen this sort of thing before and lived through a similar situation myself. But in the interessts of respecting your refusal to lash out about her, I'll jsut sy - yeah, what they said.

redpepper 07-29-2010 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superjast (Post 37738)
Quite honestly, she has to want to change.

She is not going to want to change, because as it stands right now,..she gets everything she wants. What motivation does she have to be any different ?

Right or wrong, she appears to be the puppet master.

As the outsider looking in,..this is not something you are going to be able to fix. This is a long-ingrained set up between the husband and the wife. It has to come from them; - the desire to change.

I am sure you have done the necessary back flips,..and he has tried 'talking' to her,..and she has opened up here and there,...but ultimately, by your own story, things are the same.

Look after yourself first,...love shouldn't make you sick.

Completely agree with all of this. She sounds very manipulative and controlling and that can cause the emotional outbreaks she is having. No doubt she has seen that her husband it connecting to you more than she is with you and visa versa and it is causing her to have some strong feelings of losing control as a result. Something she is not accustom to or wanting. Scary stuff for her and as a result, all of you.

I think if it were me I would start asking for your needs to be met. What do you have to lose. Ask for date nights with just him and also just her. Time to have bonding with him and some with her also. Get them out of the house, make plans and invite them to them.

Don't read into stuff too much and take the reins of you own life while inviting them along for the ride. Sometimes it works to be turn things around and take control of what one does. Who knows, maybe this whole control thing is getting old and she will be willing and curious to find what you have in store as ideas of stuff to do. Maybe not.

What do you have to lose? You might just lose them anyways, but at least you will have your life back and be on the road to doing what makes YOU happy rather than following their rules. I don't know why you would of started that in the first place? Sure you have respect for them as a couple, but where was the respect for your self and what you need out of the relationship?

Fidelia 07-30-2010 04:44 PM

I'm joining the chorus here. In this situation, it sounds like too much focus is on meeting her needs. Your needs are important too, as are his, and the kids.


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