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-   -   Quads NOT formed by two couples? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33206)

Akiyuki 11-19-2012 07:50 PM

Quads NOT formed by two couples?
Hello. :)

I'm a member of a triad that looks like it might be headed towards adding a fourth member. We were (and are) a group of four friends - two of us started dating about ten months ago, then the third joined about three months ago, and now maybe the fourth will too. The three of us currently in a relationship are all dating each other (complete triad), and the fourth person would be dating two of us, and has a close (almost romantic) friendship with the third.

I've been reading about quads on this site and others, but almost everything I've found has been two pre-existing couples joining together. Does anyone have experience or advice about quads not formed by two couples, and/or quads where all members have relationships with all other members, not just with the two opposite-sex members (as in the two heterosexual couples model that I keep reading about)?

GalaGirl 11-19-2012 08:22 PM

Not been in one, but it's no different than singles coming together to form something. Once I was the hinge in 3 singles coming to form a "V." There are other singles who come together to form other poly configurations. Whatever works for them is good.

My only advice is to talk about how you want to break up with this configuration ends. (4 people config)

I mean, all relationship come with a clock attached. Your previous 3 people thing ended. It is now a 4 people thing!

Should this break up, will it go back to original (3) + (1) friend? How will the people deal if it break down to all people single again? Or some other combo in between those two places?

I find that not only does talking about it keep it real, talking about it creates emotional intimacy and security which helps strengthen. So the likely of it ending gross diminishes fears and people can relax and enjoy being in it.

And if they can relax and enjoying being in it... they can handle whatever comes up in Life as a group better.

Which increases their willingness to stay in it, and that increases learning the skills required to keep it going in a good way.

Like a domino effect of sorts?

Not sure if I am expressing that idea well...but that's my 2 cents. Be honest, keep it real.


Maybe something there resonates?

Anneintherain 11-19-2012 08:45 PM

I don't have any advice or experience, but I have read a few stories over the last decade of quads that weren't two couples. I don't recall any horror stories about it, and I imagine some ways it could be easier, as often in "two couple quads" if one relationship ends the whole thing implodes.

GalaGirl has great points about discussing with everybody about what would happen if a breakup of some sort happens - I think in traditional quads both couples talk about this among themselves but not with the other parties, and that also seems to cause issues when everybody isn't on the same page when a problem actually happens.

Sheesh not to dwell on breaking up - I think what you have going on sounds nice, and has great potential for joy. I'd imagine there were better odds when the relationship isn't US and THEM.

RfromRMC 11-20-2012 01:47 PM

I don't have much advice either, but it does happen in the way you describe. I have talked online to a member of a quad that started as a couple as primary partners, and they each had a separate secondary. They introduced the two secondaries--they hit it off well---and within a couple years they all four were together as a quad.
I think any advice that's good for any triad or quad would apply. Be sure everyone has a connection to everyone else and it is nourished the best it can be.

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