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-   -   Greetings from VA Beach (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=332)

cjj23464 06-04-2009 03:44 PM

Greetings from VA Beach
Hi from VB. I'm a 41 year old female and I've been married to my husband for 21 years. He has had a few affairs, but I recently found out it goes deeper than that. He has asked me if I can accept that our relationship is going to be open on his side. I need guidance and was unsure where to look until I found this site. It's not like I can talk to anyone I know about this stuff. I think I'm okay with it, but it is difficult at times. I know I can't possibly be the only person who has ever experienced this. Any input or resources would be greatly appreciated.

Mark1npt 06-05-2009 12:29 AM

I think you're in the right place here......I am a relatively new member and have been helped greatly by being on here. I recently (6 months ago)put my wife of 27 years on the spot like your husband has you. If your marriage is worth saving, if you still love him and want to grow old with him and he with you, but with more friendship and love in your lives, then poly may be what you're looking for. If however, the love and respect is not mutual, then this lifestyle may just be a free pass for him to screw around, IMO. Know this, there are so many variations and reasons for poly.....hopefully one will apply and fit for you. The thing I've realized being on here is there is no norm. 100 different relationships, 100 different reasons, 100 different ways. As long as one of them works for you guys, then roll with it.

Danny40179 06-07-2009 10:47 AM

Welcome CJ. Mark said it best. There's a different type of poly relationship for every person out there. It just had to be something that works best for everyone involved. I also want to ask a question. Are you ok with poly because you feel like this is the only choice you have to keep your husband? I only ask, because if that's the case then it won't work. This lifestyle isn't for everyone and that's ok. (I recently had a reminder of just that fact)

Please ask us questions and I hope you find what makes you happy. :)

cjj23464 06-08-2009 02:30 AM

Thanks for the welcome. I have asked myself the same question. I'm not sure where I stand yet. This has all come to light rather recently and I am currently searching for answers. I know that I love my husband and can't imagine life without him.

alphafour 06-08-2009 02:46 AM


Originally Posted by cjj23464 (Post 1687)
I know that I love my husband and can't imagine life without him.

This is by far one of the most imporatant an significant feeling you can have for entering into the poly lifestyle, IMO. (I don't speak for all)

What I find, is that by opening your heart, and putting your feelings out, you have established that regardless of his actions, you will still love him.

Next, you have to flip the coin, and decide whether you can find other loves to share your heart with. It might be your children, or other family members. I could be another man, or even a girlfriend; but to me, poly is sharing love, not just fooling around behind someones back. When I say love, I mean love; not sex. How do you know the difference? Easy. Would you run into a burning building to save someone you only had sex with?

You have established a trust that goes beyond the standard boundaries of monagamy, and begins to establish community. I see this as the strong part of poly. Have you noticed the lack of community in today's society? Gang activity? Road rage? Random violence? Apathy? Unkindness, and even abuse of strangers? Poly might not be the cure, but it is a path of potential relief. Just my humble (and honest) opinion.

Welcome to the site.

Mark1npt 06-08-2009 05:38 PM

Well said, Aplha......

Mark1npt 06-08-2009 11:52 PM

Also cjj....is your husband just into screwing around or is he really looking to having another love in his life long term?....I think you'll find most of us on here are into loving more than 1 person/spouse at a time long term, not just screwing more than one person at a time. There is a difference. You maybe can live with someone who is a confirmed poly but maybe not with a confirmed serial screwer who's just out catting around all the time. It's great that you love your husband and want to grow old with him but at what cost to your own health and wellness? Can you be happy with another person sharing life's experiences in your life? Does your husband want to with the two of you? Like I said earlier there are so many different types of relationships but poly def is not just screwing around or swinging by one spouse.

cjj23464 06-16-2009 01:05 PM

I am trying to figure out how to explain to him that I am open to her being a part of our lives, but I think he likes the separate lives. I also worry about our kids (range in age from 11 to 21). I am in essence lying to them everytime he goes out of town for "work". And his family as well (they are all local). He loves us both and I am trying to be supportive, but sometimes wonder where support turns into idiocy.

MonoVCPHG 06-16-2009 02:34 PM

Welcome to the forum...I responded to a couple of your comments on a the thread "poly or not". hope you take care of yourself and do what is in your best interests.

redpepper 06-16-2009 05:31 PM

I hate to say it but I think you are approaching on idiocy. I for one would be long gone. I wouldn't put up with his actions at all after finding out about the first affair. To me he doesn't respect you at all. Show some self respect and get out. Get out and stand proud. Tell his secret and show him up for the deceitful man he has been. Then stand up for yourself and go and get the love you need. Starting with loving yourself first. Your kids need that, you need that and he needs to see that women should be cherished.

I'm sorry but to me this could never be poly. There is too much history and his heart is obviously never been in the right place. He is using polyamoury as a catch phrase to justify his guilt. Real poly men appreciate women and love them on a level that your man does not as far as I'm concerned.

I find it very sad that your kids are learning how to degrade women by his actions and your reaction to it. This is being passed on to your kids whether you know it or not. That kind of energy seeps in regardless of his and your lying. Your lying to them and yourself in some ways is just as bad. They will never experience in their own lives the depth of love they deserve to feel if this continues. They need to know you have a back bone and are worthy of loving so that they can ask for that too.

I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but I am a woman who has experienced much in her life and from one woman to another, with full respect because I care, I have to speak My truth and be radically honest. That is the poly way in my life. Keep at it, you are in the right place here, we are all routing for you. *hugs*

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