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-   -   At wits end (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33155)

Ravyn 11-18-2012 06:58 PM

At wits end
 
Ok so here's the story. Me and my wife started swinging about 5 years ago. Everything went smoothly. So we expanded to having an open marriage. This is where the ugly beast jealousy reared it's head anytime I actually played with another girl. It was alright if she had a gang bang on her but I play with one girl and their was an argument.

I then proposed we end the open marriage part and go back to swinging, which I thought we did. Then earlier this week I find out my wife has been on fetlife.com finding Doms to hook up with. This wouldn't be that bad if a) I knew and b) she refuses completely to let me dom her ever. Anyway I find out because she wants to drive 8 hours away to meet her new dom she's known a couple of days.

Needless to say the crap hit the fan. I expressed how much this hurt me, how it destroyed our trust, and asked her not to continue. I got the big eff you. She informed me that I have no right to keep her from this, and that she will do this because she "needs" it in her life. I threatened leaving if she went to see this dom. She's moving out right now and on her way to meet him when she's done moving out. She says she needs room to explore this need deep inside her, but says she can't explore it with me because she has to have separated mentally.

So basically I've been told this week she's been sneaking around to have her ass spanked, that she's going to continue doing so, I have zero say in what she can do, and that I'm now separated from my wife so she can be with her dom.
Talk about NO respect

What should I do?

drtalon 11-18-2012 07:26 PM

I'm not saying you should do what I would do, but I would find a divorce lawyer.

SchrodingersCat 11-18-2012 08:29 PM

It sounds like she has an utter lack of compassion for your feelings. From that place, there's really no way to salvage the relationship. It also sounds like she was never willing to support you doing the things you want, while expecting you to support the things she wants.

That being said, she is correct that you are not allowed to tell her what to do.

I can understand her need to seek D/s outside the relationship. We're much the same way. We have a very caring, compassionate relationship. When my husband wants to be dominated, he wants it to be raw and hard. He's not into "the compassionate Dom," he wants someone who will treat him like an object. I'm just not capable of that.

But THAT being said, he would never seek that out if I was horribly uncomfortable with it. He would give me time to adjust. And I would never say "You can not do that" I would say "I'm really struggling with this right now. Can you wait a bit and let me get used to the idea?"

So bottom line, it sounds like she isn't interested in you and your feelings. When asked to slow down, she just left. That doesn't leave anything to work with from a relationship perspective.

polychronopolous 11-19-2012 12:41 AM

Let her go. She has made it clear that this is more important than the relationship to her (or at least it sounds that way from your perspective). If you are not able to give her the freedom to explore what she wants, and she is unwilling to forego these activities, then you are at an impasse. If there is no grey area, no room for bargaining on either side, then you don't have any choice than to be gracious and let her go.

Phoenix.

GalaGirl 11-19-2012 05:20 AM

She is correct. She is free to choose her behavior.

It could true -- she may need a dom that is not you to be able to keep the power exchange in a healthy psychological balance for her.

But the thing is... she is NOT a footloose single here! What she does affects her husband -- YOU!

And if she chooses to behave in a way that is lacking in compassion, respect, and loving kindness to her husband? She expects the husband to live a double standard? She expects the husband to just deal with whatever her actions are? What could the husband do?

You are free to choose YOUR behavior.

I do not mean this in a bad or insulting way, so I apologize in advance if it seems rude. But is she fit in her mind? Is she acting out of character with all this recently or has this been present all along? (Sex addict? Psychological damage or disorder? Something else?) If you suspect she is not right in herself, could choose to ask her/take her to get checked out.

If she is healthy in mind and body -- Could choose to seek a divorce lawyer. Let her go. She's fit and sound and she chooses to mistreat you! :(

I am terribly sorry you are going through this. :(

Galagirl

SourGirl 11-19-2012 06:01 AM

Give her that saying about; 'doors, hitting, and asses.'

She's probably right about what she feels for herself, but the selfish format it's being delivered on, is pretty immature.

All you can do is control yourself,...I wouldn`t make any promises/threats about the finality of it all. However, I WOULD hold myself to a higher standard of expectation, should she realize she's been a dumbass, and want back in.

Sorry you are going through this.

Ravyn 11-19-2012 12:48 PM

As you have pointed out yes i can not control her. I believe she should give me the respect earned over our 7 years together. I understand she is experiencing sub frenzy like some newswingers do that is driving her into this lifestyle hot and heavy. I just don't know if i can deal with her lack of respect, double standards, the lies, and from her doing this behind my back.

I'm easy going and all for fun in bed but I've never cheated, and anytime she has said no i dropped it. It's a horrible place she has put me in where there are only two choices i see and i don't care for either. I'm not a cuckhold and i don't want a divorce so i guess I'm screwed because those are the only options I've been given. Either way i guess it's time to take our sls.com profile down lol

Polyfimff1204 11-19-2012 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravyn (Post 167693)
As you have pointed out yes i can not control her. I believe she should give me the respect earned over our 7 years together. I understand she is experiencing sub frenzy like some newswingers do that is driving her into this lifestyle hot and heavy. I just don't know if i can deal with her lack of respect, double standards, the lies, and from her doing this behind my back.

I'm easy going and all for fun in bed but I've never cheated, and anytime she has said no i dropped it. It's a horrible place she has put me in where there are only two choices i see and i don't care for either. I'm not a cuckhold and i don't want a divorce so i guess I'm screwed because those are the only options I've been given. Either way i guess it's time to take our sls.com profile down lol

I'm sorry you are in this position. It's such a devastating one. Your wife should have respected you and your marriage. Unfortunately, she seems to be in a place where she can only think of what her needs are at this point. You should do the same. Think of you, your needs, and what's best for your physical and emotional health. Best of luck to you.

...btw, thanks for the reminder about sls...mine has been up untouched for a year!! I should get around to that at some point ;)

TOROdeSerenity 11-22-2012 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravyn (Post 167600)
Ok.. This wouldn't be that bad if a) I knew and b) she refuses completely to let me dom her ever. ...Talk about NO respect

What should I do?

Sounds to me like she can't let you dominate her because she can't stomach seeing people who dominate her in the bedroom everyday. She's having a hard time separating sexuality with your relationship.. what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

I would honestly give her the space. She doesn't see an issue with not cluing you into her other relationships and encounters. That on a health standpoint is not ok. On an emotional level she is breaking all trust. On other levels she is not allowing you to live out your bedroom fantasies of dominating her but requiring you to allow her own fantasies to take priority over the relationship. This sounds unhealthy all around. I would proceed with great caution.

Ravyn 11-22-2012 11:01 PM

I have after much thought and soul searching decided to start divorce proceedings after the holiday. I am going to talk to a lawyer about pursuing a divorce on grounds of adultery in louisiana. Not sure if i have enough proof or not but i certainly hope i do. The only thing i don't have is her confession after the fact. I can prove she was going to meet him i can prove she was there over a week with bank and phone records, i have her changing her fetlkfe status to being owned and in a polyamorous family with him. Hopefully tje judge willbe kind to me since this has been cruel beyond my worst fears


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