Relationship with Friend
I recently experienced an extreme downgrade in my relationship with my best friend. We have known each other for about two years now and this summer we decided to begin to explore each others sexuality.
She understood my poly-amorous relationship philosophy and ended up finding another lover about a week after our thing started up. I, on the other hand, had not been successful because I have no idea how to approach people I am interested in.
I guess I have found myself in the poly-closet. My parents and I somehow never managed to manage a consistent emotional relationship.With my friends, it seems like a completely irrelevant topic to bring up. And quite frankly, I feel absolutely ridiculous telling people I just met how I view relationships.
Anyways, things progressed and about a month she tells me that I meet her needs but she is beginning to get jealous at the thought of what if I found another person. She then seemed to want to spend all of her time with me... and consequently all of my time with her. I thought the amount of time we used to spend together was sufficient (probably around 35 hours a week including 15 hours of sleepy cuddles) and was hurt to find she wasn't satiated. I enjoy spending time with her but unfortunately we aren't very productive together. I have tried to share hobbies and studying (we are both students) with her but she'd rather talk out her day and daydream. I enjoy talking about these things with her, it's just I can't help but notice that life and it's opportunities are passing right by me.
A week ago, we tried to talk it out, but now she just plain isn't okay with a poly-amorous relationship. Things were fine for the rest of the night but I haven't talked to her since.
What does reading this make you think? Does anyone have a similar situation to share? This has left me vexed.:confused:
In a nutshell, if she's not okay with a polyamorous relationship, she needs to figure out how to get okay with it.
The only alternative as I see it is to go back to being friends without the sexual/romantic component.
You were open about your nature all along. She really has no right to get involved in a polyamorous person, then later decide she's not okay with a polyamorous relationship, and expect you to be the one to make the changes.
I suggest asking her to read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It will give her insight into your feelings. Wouldn't hurt for you to read it, either.
If you have not promised exclusivity, don't promise it NOW just because she's inclined to pressure you toward that expectation.
Remind her point blank -- "Remember I have not promised you exclusive. If this has become a dealbreaker for you please tell me now. I cannot be a mind reader"
And then go date when you want to. If she's over too much tell her so.
"I love you. I will see you on __(whatever days are her days with you)___. I need space to myself to rest, and I also need space to myself to date. I am willing to help you manage your jealous. I am not willing to stop living my life because of your jealous. Talk to me. But I need my other times to myself."Let her own her feelings. Perhaps read this article together and she can do more page 5 and you do page 6.
AND continue to date other people. It's never going to "become the new normal" if you are not dating others like you want to be and she opens herself to learning to cope with it. She cannot rise to the ocassion if it never actually comes up for her to deal with. YKWIM?
You are not doing this to kill her, and seriously? Going out on a movie date with someone else and chatting, and maybe a smooch goodnight on the mouth? Apart from the kiss you could do that with your nephew. You Dad. Your sister.
She signed up to be in polyship with you, not monoship. If monoship is now what she wants, she can inform you. You can ASK her if this is now what she wants if you are getting that vibe so you can have the verify/clarify.
And then you both can end the romance part and choose to learn how to continue on being good exes and friends. Because you want to be in a polyship. Things do not match up in the romance department.
If she still wants to be in polyship with you, she needs to be realistic about what it takes and willing do the work required. Including working on her emotional management.
I'll throw in that I am not sure in this case it was just a problem of polyamory. You wanted free time, you wanted private time,and you wanted time to do things other than hang out all day with somebody you are dating as it wasn't meeting your desires for life and felt like you were wasting time.
You had problems articulating that to her and laying out your boundaries, so in the future you might want to recognize stress that comes up from situations like that in the future, and speaking up as soon as you feel smothered or whatever it was you were feeling when you perceived that no matter ho much time you spend with her she "was not satiated"
That is a separate issue from polyamory, but I did want to mention it was separate.
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