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-   -   Advice much appreciated! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3313)

mouse 07-26-2010 11:24 PM

Advice much appreciated!
 
Hey there!
I hope my post isnt too long and generic but I would appreciated some advice.

Now I guess for starters and I'm monogamous. I have been in a monogamous relationship for a year now and love my partner very much. However in these past few months our sex life has been a bit strained. My partner has now come out to me as being polamory and hes been having a hard time being monogamous. Of course this instantly made me think "Oh I'm not enough, I cant please my partner, he doesnt love me anymore" but I KNOW this isnt the case. He loves me very much and still wants me but I've just been stuck in my ways for so long I'm just trying to grasp his point of view. I guess I'm willing to give this a go, but I just have jealousy issues. I cant help but think at night lying there by myself when I could have my partner snuggling up to me that hes probably out having sex with someone else where as I would very much like to be the person hes with.

hes pitched the idea of me being his 'primary partner'. Does anyone here have the same arrangement?

I guess when it comes down to it this guy really is the love of my life and I dont want to loose him. I'm open to the idea of polyamory but it's just dealing with my jealously issues. Now he said I can sleep with other guys too though I have to be honest and say I dont have any desire for anyone else at the moment apart from him.

I guess I'm just after some general advice. My partner wants to keep me but be with others as well. I guess I cant help but feel a bit rejected but I know thats not what hes trying to do at all. hes coming out and being honest with me and I really appreciated that.

Okay, I'll stop rambling now.

Hope this made sense!

thanks

Mouse

AutumnalTone 07-26-2010 11:51 PM

If your outside connections just involve sleeping with other people, you have an open relationship. For it to be poly, you'd have to have actual romantic relationships with other people. From what you've said, it's unclear whether your partner wants a poly arrangement or an open arrangement.

That said, the issues for you are likely much the same--you're dealing with jealousy. One of the most essential processes involved with polyamory is to figure out exactly what it is you need from a relationship; dealing with jealousy actually helps sort that sort of thing out. Jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing--it's a signal to attend to what you need.

So, pull out your jealousy and dissect it. What, exactly, is it composed of? What drives you to feel jealous? Are you afraid he doesn't really love you? Are you afraid he finds somebody else more exciting?

What do you fear will happen when he's with somebody else?
What do you fear will NOT happen when he's with somebody else?

When you've got a list of fears, then you can figure out how to get those addressed. You sit down with him and share your fears and negotiate ways to address those so that you get what you need while he also gets what he needs.

mouse 07-26-2010 11:58 PM

Thank you very much for your reply. You're right, I guess I really need to determine if this is going to be an open relationship or a poly one. I think the list of fears is really good idea and I'll definitely do that later and talk about it with my boyfriend.

redpepper 07-27-2010 07:37 AM

do some reading on here. You are not alone. there is plenty of good info on here if you do a search for it in tags or on threads..... A lot of people on here have been through similar circumstances and have a lot of good stuff to say.


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