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-   -   Scared and feeling very alone (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33085)

Fiona 11-17-2012 03:53 AM

Scared and feeling very alone
I'm just having a hard time with everything right now. My husband is out of town for work, for several months, leaving me here with our child. My partner has said that he will be "taking more time to himself" beginning in December. I'm feeling very alone and left out of things; I can't go out much as I'm my child's sole caretaker right now, and babysitters are hard to come by. I have almost no time to myself. I'm not taking good care of myself lately and it's taking a toll.

My husband and I have been having issues for years; I love him and want to continue our relationship, but I'm also very frustrated by the way things have gone lately. We've had a lot of things happen lately, most of them not good (arguments, a break-in and robbery, family strife, loss of income, resultant financial woes, passive-aggressive landlords, etc.)

My partner and I have both been stressed to the breaking point for very different reasons; he said the other day that sometimes he just feels like leaving. He was very upset when I was crying the other day (my reaction to a lot of things, including anger/stress/fear/frustration.) We talked it out but I'm afraid that since I can't go out or see him as often, I will cease to be important to him and our relationship will suffer.

I am interested in one or two new people, but don't feel that I have any of the necessary resources to follow up with that just now. Which also makes me a bit sad.

Really, I am just at loose ends here: lonely, sad, and trying very hard to be a good parent as well as partner to my loves. My family has been awful lately, and that's one more thing to be stressed about. I am hosting a huge Thanksgiving next week and am worried about that as well. I don't even know what I'm asking for here; possibly just reassurance that things can be difficult, but things generally work out okay in the end? Sigh.

SchrodingersCat 11-17-2012 04:11 AM

I hate it when people tell me this when I'm feeling that way, but I'm going to say it anyway. Things do get better. And a lot of it is in your outlook. I'm not saying you haven't faced some tremendous hardships, the list of facts you gave are enough to bring anyone down. But in my own life, I find that if I can try to find the good things in my life and focus on those, then I start to feel less crappy about all the crappy things.

I haven't tracked you over the past year, but your name was familiar and I searched for your threads. Is this "partner" the same as your "Boyfriend" from this post http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15182? If so, it sounds like things have never been so great with him, and now they've gone from bad to worse. Is it possible that holding on to him is dragging you down in the rest of your life, preventing you from reaching your full happiness potential?

When we started dating, my girlfriend was way more "into me" than I was "into her." For a while it was really awkward for me and I never really knew how to react when she was being uber affectionate, and I was just sorta chilling out. Eventually we had a talk about it and I explained where I was at emotionally. Knowing explicitly how I felt, she was able to reign in her feelings enough to put us on an even keel. Since then, we've had a great dynamic. Would something like that be possible for you? In other words, lower your expectations of your partner so that you aren't disappointed when he doesn't live up to your ideals?

Fiona 11-17-2012 04:21 AM

Yes, that's the same person. Things have been better between us since I posted that, though not without their difficulties.

I don't hate you saying that; I really have been trying to keep a positive outlook, and much of the time it's worked...but home alone on a Friday night, my husband in a different time zone and my partner going out to a show I really wanted to see, and most of my friends unavailable...it's hard.

I do think that lowering my expectations is a good idea; in fact, I was thinking of that earlier this evening. My partner and I both seem to have a lot of issues having to do with relationships and abandonment, and it tangles things up and gets in the way of communication a lot, I think.

I think that I also am sometimes desperate for affection but hating to ask for it, which probably is difficult for anyone involved with me.

Thank you for your perspective; it's much appreciated.

SchrodingersCat 11-17-2012 07:58 AM


Originally Posted by Fiona (Post 167396)
I don't hate you saying that; I really have been trying to keep a positive outlook, and much of the time it's worked...

No, I didn't imagine you would; you seemed to be asking for that kind of thing. I'm generally pretty upbeat, so my problem is that when I actually am feeling down in the dumps, I somewhat want to feel that way for a little while, get it out of my system. I want to pretend that my life is ruined and everything is horrible. Then I get over it and laugh at myself.

Because let's face it, if you're posting on the internet right now, you're probably not involved in the Israel-Gaza conflict. So life could be much worse.

GalaGirl 11-17-2012 08:22 AM

Sounds like you need some self care and TLC.

Can you call people and cancel hosting Thanksgiving? Give it to someone ELSE to do? Can you ask relatives for babysit help? DH being gone, single momming it, being tired/depressed -- those are valid and good reasons to ask for HELP.

So ask and while it does not solve it all, it could help to REDUCE your stress load right away!

Hang in there.

Anneintherain 11-17-2012 11:11 PM

When I'm feeling stressed/alone, I always pick up a book to read that specifically deals with whatever it is bugging me (self esteem, loneliness, relationship dynamics) so although you can't get out a lot because youre the primary caregiver, not sure where you are, but most library systems will let you put holds on stuff from home, and then go pick up a bunch at once, saves time, saves money. Not sure how old your child is but libraries often have story time or other activities for kids, so you could combine it all into one trip if that would be fun for them.

Just sounds like you might want to put more emphasis on being a good partner to yourself than worrying about being a good partner to your husband and boyfriend right now. So I know some people would rather do anything other than read, but it's helped me a lot so thought I'd suggest it, even 5 minutes of reading the right book helps a lot to put things in perspective for me.

Fiona 11-18-2012 03:03 AM

SchrodingersCat: very true.

GalaGirl: thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, I can't hand off the Thanksgiving stuff to anyone else, but I will have help from friends, which will be lovely. And a metamour has offered to do occasional babysitting - even a handful of overnights, so I can be with my partner - which is one of the things keeping me sane right now! ;) This is the first week of my husband being gone, and the adjustment has been difficult, but I know I can do this.

Anneintherain: I am a somewhat-obsessive reader, so this is a great suggestion. I haven't been to the library in a bit, and actually have some overdue books to return, so I will definitely make this a priority. I'm in a major metropolitan area (one of the largest US cities) so I imagine I should be able to hold anything and pick it up without any trouble. My kiddo is a toddler, so library storytime would be perfect. What you said about being a good partner to myself really resonated; that's a perspective I hadn't considered. Many thanks.

Fiona 11-20-2012 09:47 PM

...and now my sister, who knows about my partner and has met him (and has always been generally accepting, if a bit puzzled by the whole thing) has decided to shame me about my relationship. She blew up at me when I told her I might be bringing my partner with me to our parents' house for Thanksgiving; she kept telling me it would be "awkward" (for her, as I later ascertained) and complaining about it and him. My parents don't know, but I wouldn't be averse to telling them, though I don't think it would be necessary either. We almost always have friends join us at our family Thanksgiving, including my ex-brother-in-law's best friend, who my sister has been sleeping with for over a year, on and off (ah, the irony.)

Now I just wonder if I should say fuck it and tell them; it might be better than waiting for my sister to out me in a moment of spite.

My partner would like to go, and I'd like to have him there, but if my sister is behaving this way it just sort of doesn't seem like a good idea.

My dad isn't really speaking to me either right now, and I really don't even want to go anymore, but that would probably cause even more issues in the future. I wish I could just stay home and have a quiet dinner with my partner. I miss my husband and so does our little one, I have cramps, I'm stressed about a bunch of things.

Edited to add: And I just noticed that someone rated this thread at one star, denoting "terrible." Nice. I didn't even know that was possible.

GalaGirl 11-20-2012 10:11 PM

So don't go and take restorative time off to reflect, and then if you want to just tell people after you have thought it over, go ahead.

Do what you need to do for your best healths. Let sister cope with her own self.


SchrodingersCat 11-21-2012 02:46 AM

Yeah, our Thanksgiving went pretty side-ways this year (I'm Canadian, Thanksgiving is in October). I usually anticipate spending it alone, since all my family is out of the province and my husband is usually working. We usually make an intimate substitute dinner the weekend after, when my husband has his holiday-in-lieu. Then my girlfriend invited me to share it with her husband and family. I was super excited. Then the chef came down with that nasty stomach flu that was going around, and Thanksgiving was cancelled at their house.

So if worse comes to worst, it is flu season... No one wants the cook throwing up in the dressing. :)

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