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-   -   Baby Advice. . . (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33071)

smokymtngirl85 11-16-2012 08:40 PM

Baby Advice. . .
 
I am a married mother of 3. My husband being my primary. I am his primary and sole partner. He has no plans on obtaining a second.

I am also engaged to a wonderful man. I am also his primary and he too has no plans to obtain a second partner. And until recently we were very content that being engaged was the farthest we can take out relationship since marriage and kids were either not possible or too complicated.

And then a very unexpected and recent miscarriage happened clear out of the blue. Which brought around an intense desire between my fiance and I to have a child together. In our situation it would be very complicated and my husband is not okay with the idea but also has very logical and valid points on why he is against. So I'm stuck and have no direction on this and am very sad about it.


So I was wondering. . . .

Is there anyone else out there who is in a poly relationship where you have a child with each of your partners?
Or is considering having a child with a partner other than your primary (especially if you are married with kids to your primary)?

If so what is your plan? How do you balance or plan to balance the children? How did your families react? How do each of your partners feel about it? Etc.

Thanks =)

BoringGuy 11-16-2012 09:21 PM

Look up Loving Radiance's posts. She has posted TONS about this. Also do a tag search for "children".. Here, I'll get you started:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=921

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags....hildren&page=1

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/member.php?u=750

SourGirl 11-16-2012 09:55 PM

I would be very, very, careful with this.

Having a miscarriage totally changes your perception on things. I lost a pregnancy at 5 months along, and the grief was overwhelming for a very long time. Especially, when we already have children.

When you`ve already experienced motherhood, there is a grief of losing a child, and all the things you wondered about. The hopes, the dreams,... It can cause a desire, and maternal instinct to get that feeling back at a high cost.

You might not like hearing this,..but if I were you,..wait and see how you feel in a year. You might lean more towards your husbands thoughts, or you might be in exactly the same thought-process as now,..but at least the decision will feel right, and prepared.

GalaGirl 11-17-2012 01:29 AM

Your husband has stated he is not willing at this time to go there and why. It is a limit of his.

Have you asked him first if this is a HARD LIMIT (that will never change) or this is a SOFT LIMIT (that could change in time?)

That information could help you reconcile yourself to this limit if you still wish to be in harmonious relationship with him as a romantic partner person.

Then you could kind of mull over your own feelings and find where your own wants, needs, and limits are.

DO you still want to be in romantic relationship with him? Or want to end that and be friends?
DO you still want to be in harmonious relationship with him? As a lover? As a friend? Or not care to be in harmonious relationship with him?
What ARE your needs? And LIMITS? Is this baby thing a WANT and not a NEED?

I would gently suggest upping the birth control so there's no chance of pregnancy while this one is up in the air and you all are sorting out your feelings. No need to add another pregnancy en route to your grieving process over the miscarriage, and then the sorting out feelings of "more future kid or done making kids?" question for yourself.

Nobody ever died from going slow, waiting, and getting verification and clarification.

For what it is worth, I felt a lot of "baby urges" at various points. When I miscarried, when my kid weaned. when my spouse and I were sorting out his vasectomy, etc. It's like biology of the brain is going "Oh no! Human race survival!" and making my body... well. Have URGES. But I can hear the phone ring and not answer the call.

You cannot help how you feel. You CAN help how you choose to behave.

So you could choose to be kind to yourself and partners and try to deal with one thing at a time -- the grief process of the miscarriage. Heal from that FIRST, before bringing on new things. Could choose to deal with just ONE thing at a time.

Galagirl

JaneQSmythe 11-17-2012 11:58 AM

I don't have children. I have had two miscarriages. The second was likely fathered by my boyfriend, with the consent of everyone involved.

I wrote a bit about it here.

I have now resigned myself to never bearing children. Which does not mean that I don't still have the urge to do so.

Sourgirl, I would also point out that, for those of us who have never had children, a miscarriage also brings the grief of missing out on motherhood itself as well as the loss of that particular child and the hopes and dream for them.

JaneQ

dingedheart 11-17-2012 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smokymtngirl85 (Post 167355)
In our situation it would be very complicated and my husband is not okay with the idea but also has very logical and valid points on why he is against. So I'm stuck and have no direction on this and am very sad about it.

So your husbands not ok with the idea emotionally and in addition to that he's got very logical and valid practical reasons against it which might be linked to your "complicated " situation but you want to pursue avenues to get what you and your bf want.

What do you think is the biggest hurdle the emotional or the practical ?

Has he gone into detail on "why"s on the emotional side ?

On the practical side are you hoping stories here will counter act the negative practical reason he's put up?

snowmelt 11-18-2012 11:26 PM

Speaking entirely on behalf of the child you want to have in the future -

... if you want the child to have the best possible chance of developing high self esteem and being happy with her life (if you have the child)

... if anyone who would be father, mentor, or would be close to the child in any way whatsoever is not sure if he wants the child, or has told you he does not want the child


Then you have two options:

1) Don't have the child.

2) End your relationship with the partner who does not want the child. Wait at least a year after the moment in time all contact with him is ended, then get pregnant with the man who clearly wants the child.


It is very difficult for a child who knows he is not wanted to develop high self esteem. Do not let anyone who is not passionately interested in raising a child anywhere near the child. Clear the deck of anyone who will bring a negative environment to that child beforehand.

Helo 11-18-2012 11:32 PM

No clue. Perhaps its my male genes and I'll have some sort of epiphany when it's mine, but all babies look like squalling little bundles of Spam to me.

SourGirl 11-19-2012 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 167445)

Sourgirl, I would also point out that, for those of us who have never had children, a miscarriage also brings the grief of missing out on motherhood itself as well as the loss of that particular child and the hopes and dream for them.

JaneQ

Then point it out to other women who have miscarried without previous children.
That grief is different, ( which is not a veiled remark that its somehow 'less'. )
The OP has previous children, and I spoke from the actual experience of.

JaneQSmythe 11-19-2012 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 167656)
Then point it out to other women who have miscarried without previous children.

I have, via this thread, which may be read by other women who have miscarried without previous children. I prefaced it to you because you were the one who brought up the "differences", and you may know people going through something similar.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 167656)
That grief is different, ( which is not a veiled remark that its somehow 'less'. )

I understand that you feel the grief is "different". I felt, when I made that post, that the phrasing -

Quote:

... the grief was overwhelming for a very long time. Especially, when we already have children.
- implied that the grief experienced by non-mothers was less overwhelming for a less-lengthy time (it was the use of the word "especially" that conveyed that implication to me). I have been grieving my first miscarriage for 10 years and still find myself overcome by grief when I watch my nieces and nephews reaching milestones that "my baby" should have been reaching - I hate myself for feeling jealous when my sister gets to watch her second child graduate from pre-school when I am denied that experience even ONCE (...okay, for the record, I had to take a break in this post there...I had to go have a good cry...the boys are completely flummoxed as to why I have suddenly broken into silent tears...)

Similarly, with the statement -

Quote:

When you`ve already experienced motherhood, there is a grief of losing a child, and all the things you wondered about. The hopes, the dreams,...
- the qualifier "When you've already experienced mother hood" did seem to imply that those of us who haven't experienced motherhood didn't experience the "grief of losing a child" as though we didn't experience "all the things you wondered about. The hopes, the dreams,..."

Quote:

Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 167656)
The OP has previous children, and I spoke from the actual experience of.

I understand that you were speaking to the OP, that is fine. I was speaking to you and the countless others reading these (public) forums.

In all actuality, I don't know that the grief is different (you'll have to ask someone who has experienced the loss in each scenario). My grief for each of my two miscarriages was different - I was at a different place in my life, my relationships, my approach to potential motherhood, and my expectations (my two miscarriages were 9 YEARS apart - each month of non-pregnancy between the two bearing its own mini-grieving process... I had failed yet again).

I have seen women with no children and multiple who had mixed feelings about their miscarriage. I have seen women, in each case, at either extreme, feel relieved or devastated. I don't know that you can generalize.

JaneQ


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