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-   -   I Want and Need Balance - Don't We All? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3302)

babe 07-25-2010 06:19 AM

I Want and Need Balance - Don't We All?
 
I have two questions that have been bugging me for a while now.
I am in a wonderful, open, polyesque marriage. I say polyesque as I am poly but Babe is just open ..... but she does respect my polyness.

Q1. Is it normal, or even ok, for me to feel the need to want to see someone else whenever Babe has a date (which is very *rare) with a lover?
It's that balance thing that I want and need but at times she feels it is a retribution type tit-for-tat thing. I have no desire to get back at her hence my encouraging and supporting her seeing others. I just want what Babe has. Some fun, kid-free sex and loving once in a while.
We have three young kids living at home too so our own intimate life gets a bit stifled as you can imagine. So when Babe sees a lover this just gets emphasized.

Q2.When Babe goes on a date (which is very *rare) I will usually ask her if they had sex or not. Does this sound reasonable?
Occasionally I don't even ask but I do want to know? I'd like to think that maybe I'd get to a point where either it's a given or that whether they do or not is irrelevant?

Thanks for any input.

Mr. Babe
* Rare because of time constraints living in a family with young kids at home.

sage 07-25-2010 06:42 AM

Hi, (I presume it's Mr Babe I'm talking to)

What is normal in polyamory? Everyone just seems to be working out their stuff and it's more about fairness than normality.

It sounds like you have practical problems around getting enough intimate adult time whether it's with Babe or separately. Have you talked about it in these terms?

And the sex thing - again I can't talk about normality but I would want to know. I find it erotic. Of course you have to be considerate to what Babe and her lover want, they may want to keep things special between themselves. I think it's still OK to ask whether or not it happened though.

redpepper 07-25-2010 07:36 AM

Agreeing with sage on this one.
Its okay to have a need to have a date with someone will your partner does, but what is behind it? You say its hard for you and her to get together to have you own intimacy, so perhaps there is something you could do about that and see how you feel then. It could be you will not be thinking that way, or perhaps you need to have a date night with someone also at that time. No harm in that. More babysitters though.

As for asking if she has had sex? I need to know ahead of time if that is in the cards. So ya, I would want to know. Sex is a very important connecting and bonding experience to both me and my husband; I would want to know where his connection is at with them.

babe 07-25-2010 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 37394)
Hi, (I presume it's Mr Babe I'm talking to)

What is normal in polyamory? Everyone just seems to be working out their stuff and it's more about fairness than normality.

It sounds like you have practical problems around getting enough intimate adult time whether it's with Babe or separately. Have you talked about it in these terms?

And the sex thing - again I can't talk about normality but I would want to know. I find it erotic. Of course you have to be considerate to what Babe and her lover want, they may want to keep things special between themselves. I think it's still OK to ask whether or not it happened though.

Sage
Yes it is Mr. Babe writing and I hear you on the fairness thing. Poly or non poly, I feel any open relationship takes a lot of defining and communication.

We have and are talking about getting more quality time together.
We agree that this is important to our rel.

Regarding their sex life and their privacy I am a little conflicted. On one hand I think? I want to be considerate to what Babe and her lover want but Babe IS my primary partner so I feel what both she and I want to know takes precedence no? Anyway I STILL I think I will want to know if they had sex or not for a while now. Not sure I am yet ready to not ask yet.
I feel that by knowing I am keeping it real and accepting it more rather than say brushing it under carpet like it never happens.

Thanks for your input.

Mr. babe

babe 07-25-2010 07:47 AM

I Want and Need Balance - Don't We All?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 37398)
Agreeing with sage on this one.
Its okay to have a need to have a date with someone will your partner does, but what is behind it? You say its hard for you and her to get together to have you own intimacy, so perhaps there is something you could do about that and see how you feel then. It could be you will not be thinking that way, or perhaps you need to have a date night with someone also at that time. No harm in that. More babysitters though.

As for asking if she has had sex? I need to know ahead of time if that is in the cards. So ya, I would want to know. Sex is a very important connecting and bonding experience to both me and my husband; I would want to know where his connection is at with them.

redpepper
Very important first point. I would like to see how I react to her and other lover/s when we are having some quality time together. I think it would be much better all around.

I also agree about sex being a "very important connecting and bonding experience"
See my last about keeping it real.

Thanks

Mr. Babe
P.S. I hope Babe has something to post on this soon.
Love you xoxo

MonoVCPHG 07-25-2010 06:23 PM

From my perspective, if she has a steady partner or partners who are trusted as far as sexual safety is concerned than knowing each time they had sex would not be necessary and even somewhat uncomfortable for me. That's me though. I am fine simply knowing that they have crossed that bridge. If she is hooking upkind of randomly for one date here and there if different guys I would be concerned for her health as well as yours. Some sexually transmitted issues can be undone but many others can not.

jkelly 07-25-2010 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babe (Post 37390)
Q1. Is it normal, or even ok, for me to feel the need to want to see someone else whenever Babe has a date (which is very *rare) with a lover?

It's definitely ok, and may be normal. Lots of couples find that they like to schedule their respective date nights on the same night, other people find that they like getting some alone time. Phrasing it as a "need" seems kind of strong to me, though. As Redpepper suggests, I'd try to pin down whether that was coming from loneliness, boredom, envy, or something else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by babe (Post 37390)
Q2.When Babe goes on a date (which is very *rare) I will usually ask her if they had sex or not. Does this sound reasonable?

She's your wife, so I'd guess that asking her any question you want to about her sex life is "reasonable". That's different from her being obliged to answer in great detail, but I think aiming for a relationship in which you both feel comfortable discussing sexual experiences is worthwhile.

babe 07-26-2010 02:32 AM

re: I Want and Need Balance - Don't We All?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 37433)
From my perspective, if she has a steady partner or partners who are trusted as far as sexual safety is concerned than knowing each time they had sex would not be necessary and even somewhat uncomfortable for me. That's me though. I am fine simply knowing that they have crossed that bridge. If she is hooking upkind of randomly for one date here and there if different guys I would be concerned for her health as well as yours. Some sexually transmitted issues can be undone but many others can not.

MonoVCPHG I am definitely heading in your direction over this. They have crossed that bridge so do I really have to know about each occasion?

BTW I do trust Babe implicitly and we have a condom agreement too.
She is not doing random hookups I am pleased to say.

Thanks for your words

Mr. Babe


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