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-   -   Brand Spanking New! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3301)

PolyAndrew 07-25-2010 05:25 AM

Brand Spanking New!

Recently, my partner (OhioLove, of a recent post) had a sexual encounter with her female lover and that individual's husband...without me. It left me feeling excluded and envious. I am very adventurous sexually, and I have yet to have a group sex encounter. Plus, this is compounded by the fact that I had a very traumatic adolescence where I was very often rejected and forlorn.

My wife now that she has had polyamorous experience(s), mostly just with the woman--which never triggered an envious reaction, encourages me to do the same. I am eager to do so, but I am also cautious that despite her zeal she may also feel left out. I do not want to cause her the pain, but I have also historically been the bigger advocate for polyamory in our relationship since it began.

What do ya'll think? Feel free to ask for more context...this is admittedly somewhat vague.

Thank You!

sage 07-25-2010 05:44 AM

Hi and welcome

Firstly if you are going to be polyamorous I don't think you can avoid jealously. If it comes up it comes up, you deal with it and are better for it. Your wife sounds like she can take care of herself. It's sweet that you want to protect her but for me polyamory is a path of growth and that is sometimes painful but always rewarding.

redpepper 07-25-2010 07:59 AM

It sounds quite simply that you aren't getting your needs met. She has a lover, it sounds like you don't, she had a threesome, you didn't, she is barreling forward into poly, you aren't.

I would be patient, work on finding someone you can love, without seeing it as a rush or competition. New relationships shouldn't be forced I think . Your turn will come eventually, but in the mean time you could learn from her because of her experiences and it could make you better prepared for when you have a relationship all your own.

I would be careful not to make her feel bad about your jealousy, keep supporting her, loving her and being her rock in her situation.

AutumnalTone 07-26-2010 03:23 AM


Originally Posted by PolyAndrew (Post 37384)

Recently, my partner (OhioLove, of a recent post) had a sexual encounter with her female lover and that individual's husband...without me. It left me feeling excluded and envious.

Why would you feel excluded? Are you also dating her lover? Or her lover's husband? If not, there's nothing happening there you could ever expect to be part of, so why would you feel excluded? (If you can't have any reasonable expectation of being included, it's just really odd to claim you feel excluded, I think.)

sage 07-26-2010 06:57 AM

I can understand where you're coming from. Your partner's lover brought her husband but you were left out. You need to do some serious communicating with your partner about your feelings.

PolyAndrew 07-28-2010 01:43 AM

I thank you for you three for your input and advisement.

sage--your insight has helped me a lot. I totally agree that jealousy is unavoidable in this lifestyle, and the pain that can accompany it makes us better people. I have grown a lot since this all took place. Moreover, we have spoken in great detail about all of this...and we are excited about what lies ahead!

redpepper--I am thankful for your words as well. i will not rush or compete...i am just excited and ready to experience new things. i have a lot of love to give! we are reading "the ethical slut" together and so i am focusing, as you stated, on not blaming her. i am happy for her. i love her.

AutumnalTone--I totally appreciate the sentiment of your argument that i should not feel excluded when i was never expected to be included. i think it is important to know people like you who "call others out." i am often that way my self, thank you.

However, allow me to express these three clarfications:

a) I am VERY new to polyamory...hence the section under which this is posted.
b) it is (was) an issue of "feeling," not reason. I said "felt" left out and I always mean to imply a distinction between feeling and being. You are right that I was not actually left out because I was never in, but that is how I felt...as I hope you understand, I have baggage about this issue because of my past. i am growing. you are helping me. thank you.
c) I would argue that (even if it contradict my other point), in fact, I was left out because before this happened couple a and couple b were both monogamous, with the exception that both women from each primary (male-female) couple were sometimes in their own secondary coupling together. the aforementioned event, included the other male and thereby excluded me. clarification is key. please let me know if my logic is flawed.

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