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-   -   I don't know where to begin (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32956)

Sugarbooger 11-15-2012 09:51 AM

I don't know where to begin
It's been a while since I've posted. I've really missed everyone.

So, back in February I was in a triad with my spouse and another woman. She had differing values about using protection and I ended it with her. He's still friends with her, although they are not romantically involved. My spouse and I were already struggling in our own relationship and things looked like they were geared towards divorceland. I even filed the papers.

So now we think we want to work things out. We already work well together raising our two children. The hard part of it all was telling him I just couldn't be a monogamous person, and that might be a deal breaker. We've put the divorce on hold, and have a dinner date scheduled for this weekend to talk, but I don't know where to begin. How do you start over when there's so much stuff to cover? We're going to have a couple's session with my therapist, so that's a good start-right?

He's told me his biggest fears is that I'll have more sex than him and that he'll never get enough from me. Sigh. Why do people have to focus on that? I'm not out to constantly get laid. I'm searching for many loves and really want to be held and understood--accepted for who I am and not have to constantly play a score card to make the other person feel secure.

I know that post was all over the map. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any feedback you might have.

clairegoad 11-15-2012 11:08 AM

Make a list of talking points. Have him do the same. Compare lists.

Think about how much time you want to talk about each. Listen. I once had a discussion where we timed the bullet points. Only talked about each for 10 minutes. (or... however many minutes seems reasonable.) That puts an end to the long, long, endless talks that were in that relationship.

In poly, the amount of sex is rarely even....There are so many ways to measure the time/affection of another partner. Some measure the number of hours, or days with a partner. Others calculate the number of orgasms or... There's no way it will be even.

... be gentle with each other.. it is easy to do major damage with a careless word.

Sugarbooger 11-23-2012 01:42 PM

We went out for dinner and had a really good talk. We have a lot of work to do, but I think this is going to turn out for the best. I just have to be aware and respect my partner's slower process. I live in my world of wanting to put my foot to the gas and well--he's just not there. So I'll have to slow down and focus on having friendships with people rather than anything extra for the time being.

His fear is that he won't be able to have as much sex as me and he doesn't know how to meet other people. I'm happy to help him meet and find someone for him, but he wants us to focus on us for a little bit, and that's something I'm willing to do.

I listened to an old Polyamory weekly podcast about building successful relationships and realized the mistakes I've made and want to work towards making things better.

Tohru 11-24-2012 01:11 AM

My husband is the same way. He's very introverted and knows that I am a lot more outgoing and that people are quite responsive to me, and I think that feels like a threat to him sometimes. He feels it will be easier for me to find people, while he struggles to even talk to other people. I also understand the "foot to the gas" part too. Sometimes I want to rush into things because I feel I can handle it, but I know that I need to take my husband's thoughts and feelings into account and work at his pace too. He's doing the same for me, when he asks things of me that I need time to work up the courage to do.

I really really sincerely hope you guys can work stuff out. I know divorce is never an easy process. Best of luck.

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