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-   -   a whole new world (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3293)

bimblynim 07-24-2010 08:49 AM

a whole new world
 
hi
Bit of back story - (summery, I'm an oddity) throughout my life so far I've never been in a "proper" sexual/romantic relationship, I had some one night stands at uni (I've always been aware I'm bi) but fair to say I just didn't think I was a particularly sexual/romantic person (first came across the word polyamory on AVEN) happy with my friends and couldn't see the point of being in a relationship for the sake of it. However the last couple of years I’ve felt increasingly lonely and been trying to figure out how I fit into society. basically the thought of a relationship with a man or a woman makes me feel oddly massively sad and vulnerable hence I’ve always kept myself out of romantic relationships, and this is something I’ve been exploring (i.e. what's wrong with me?!)
but standing in M&S the other day I realised the thought of a relationship with a man AND a woman was WONDERFUL! For the first time in my life I feel turned on, emotionally secure and hopeful at the thought of having a relationship :D
At the same time I’m nervous of the practical implications (mostly legal/coming out/how to approach finding my triad partners)
I've just put an add up on soulmates – wondering what peoples experiences are re looking for poly love? Noticed most people on here are couples that “opened up” anyone else know they were poly before looking for a relationship? How did you go about it? Any thoughts much appreciated
Cheers for reading
Nim

EugenePoet 07-24-2010 03:31 PM

Welcome! I suspect there's a bit of a dichotomy between being a bi man looking for a couple and a bi woman doing the same. Others may correct me, but I suspect it's more common for a couple to want a female "unicorn" than to be looking for a male one. So, not knowing your gender, I only note the difference.

You're looking for a triad it sounds like and not seeking to be a secondary (labels, I know they are limiting and don't always fit, but people mostly know the terms so they're useful nouns) but it's not uncommon for a couple to accept a person only as a secondary in the beginning. They want to know how that person is going to fit into their relationship before opening to complete equality. And that's actually sensible from the other person't point of view as well; you wouldn't want to move in with a couple and then find out they are not who you thought.

With that in mind, you might take a look at the Proposed Secondary's Bill of Rights. Like these paragraphs:

Quote:

If your true desire/need is to have (and be) a primary partner, but the only relationship your lover can offer is of a secondary nature, then you should probably figure out whether you can be happy in that role either temporarily or permanently.

For instance, it may be possible for the relationship to evolve into a primary (or co-primary) form over time -- but that does take time, and during that process, you will have to find a way to make peace with a role that is more secondary than you might prefer.

It's also possible that the relationship won't ever evolve out of secondary status -- is that something the you will be able to be happy with? It's very important for anyone entering a romantic relationship as a secondary to think carefully, and understand fully, what his or her expectations are--what is necessary for you to be happy, and will your relationship be able to give you that?
Food for thought. Good luck, and keep posting!

bimblynim 07-24-2010 04:20 PM

Thanks Eugenepoet. I'm female, didn't think to say (and didn't realise I was a "unicorn" til today) The stuff on secondaries is really interesting. As I said I'm used to being single so would want to take things slow, having said that my ideal is a triangle, I'm thinking hopefully if i'm upfront from the get go it'll be easier to find. have to say one one of the most attractive things to me about polly is the open communication :) feeling v excited

redpepper 07-25-2010 08:09 AM

Sorry, I'm still smiling and appeciating the fact that you were standing in M&S and said *crickey* and finding it hard to know what else to write as a result.

As a first gen canadian of british heritage, your post thrilled me to bits for those reasons :D
Just saying thanks :)

marksbabygirl 07-25-2010 02:57 PM

Welcome!

Sounds like you have a good idea of what you're looking for - that's always good. I'm new to poly - and we're still figuring out what would work best for us.

This is a great place to get advice, learn new things and make new friends. :)

bimblynim 07-25-2010 08:01 PM

thanks guys

Like your tag btw Marksbabygirl, its fab :0)

Yeah I was quite amused by the fact that I had an epiphany in M&S - glad it tickled you.

reddpepper from what i've read you're in a v or maybe fork type relationship, hope you don't mind my asking, is it something you went looking for or did it just evolve? when did you know you were poly?

Nim

redpepper 07-25-2010 09:59 PM

I am in a "vee" Nim, but I also have a girlfriend, Derby, and two other love relationships that are designed in such a way to suit me and those I am in them with. My "vee" with Mono is my direct family though.

As for how long? Poly all my life, out as such for 15 years and fully practicing what's right for me in the last 3 years. I had no idea it would turn out this way, but I did ask for all my needs to be met in harming none and helping all and I have been gifted that ten fold. I am very grateful! I have put the work in and it has paid off. I continue to do that. Part of that for is writing on here for me and helping to create a loving yet honest and open space for poly people to be supported and form community beyond this forum.

I met my husband through a marriage to a woman who is a love of my life still but monogamous and uninterested in actively being a love back.

I'm happy you have come to some understanding of yourself! Very exciting for you :)

bimblynim 07-27-2010 08:41 PM

Thanks for the reply, its really intresting (currently totally intrigued by peoples journey's) and I'm so glad its good for you!! :0) also, thank-you for the forum its awsome! such a cool resource! and i'm totally with you on the harming none philosophy! Also well aware that i have a rocky road ahead (life being inevitably like that) and the ideal of a triad is not gonna be that easy to achieve, still its really nice to finally know what i want, that there is this support here, and there are meets in the uk (yay) thanks again and have a lovely evening

nim

Ariakas 07-27-2010 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bimblynim (Post 37293)
At the same time I’m nervous of the practical implications (mostly legal/coming out/how to approach finding my triad partners)

Well practical implications can become regional to a degree. What laws are for or against it where you are. What is recognized. Can you sign personal legal binding contracts that don't involved marraige. The logistics behind this are something you need to understand in your area.

Quote:

I've just put an add up on soulmates – wondering what peoples experiences are re looking for poly love? Noticed most people on here are couples that “opened up” anyone else know they were poly before looking for a relationship? How did you go about it? Any thoughts much appreciated
Cheers for reading
Nim
I consider myself lucky, I am a "couple" that was already open. So a lot of misc crap some couples go through I didn't. I don't understand the idea of being restricted from dating, flirting and general socializing. It seems thats an anomaly. My patterns over the last 10 years with my partner would have been considered dating.

That said my thoughts are ever evolving. I started out as an open marraige unicorn threesome hunter. And while I still look :p...I stopped that being a requirement. If you let you relationship evolve within the rules you set to be comfortable and are willing to continually renegotiate based on new influences you could end up in a relationship that looks nothing like what you would have thought in the beginning :)...

Good luck and welcome to the poly party :)

FireChild 07-28-2010 11:44 AM

I love Aladdin. Just sayin.

Hi.


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