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-   -   And boom goes the dynamite. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32723)

CattivaGattina 11-12-2012 01:31 AM

And boom goes the dynamite.
And everything has just exploded. One of the things I've probably not really mentioned in my blog is the fact of the matter that I not only love but am in love with everyone in my family.

For me when I fall in love with someone I want to be able to share everything with them and be with them fully. I love and care about them all equally and want romantic relationships/commitments with them all.

And outside of Woodsmith, none of them want that with me. I'm thinking I'm going to need to move out/cut off all ties (events, facebook, fetlife, text, calls) until I can finally stop being in love with them.

Loving them has been hurting me so badly because I've always kinda known that they don't have those feelings back but I'm devastated at the idea of leaving them.

MeeraReed 11-12-2012 01:46 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Two years ago, I lost the five people closest to me all at once. (Not "lost" in the sense they died, but in the sense my relationships with them either ended or changed permanently for the worse). They weren't all my romantic loves (one of those people was my brother, with whom I had a severe falling out, unrelated to the other losses), but I understand how unbearable it is to lose so much all at once.

There was nothing I could do except take things one day at a time. Eventually I realized I had emerged from the pain. But it was a long, slow process.

Is your relationship with Woodsmith still strong?

CattivaGattina 11-12-2012 03:59 AM

Things with woodsmith and I are really good still. Still at a loss as to where to go now. Feels like my head and heart are breaking.

GalaGirl 11-12-2012 04:27 AM

I am sorry you are hurting. :(


Helo 11-12-2012 10:43 AM

Bite the shield rim and continue forward.

Best any of us can do.

CattivaGattina 11-12-2012 03:58 PM

I had a couple of long talks yesterday with both Lamian and Primal. Still completly up in the air as to where to go now.

I still don't know if I need to pull completely away from them all and deal with the pain of not having them in my life or try to muddle through this pain about the differences in the love/expectations of the relationships.

I'm just a complete and total mess.

kissapolygrrl 11-12-2012 04:02 PM

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I can't fathom having that many losses at once. My heart is still hurting from my single loss so I can't imagine what you're experiencing. :hugs:

Avatar 11-12-2012 04:39 PM

Girl, that sucks, and I totally understand how you're feeling.

nycindie 11-12-2012 04:42 PM

It's not the loving that hurts; it's the unmet expectations.

We've been taught that love has to be reciprocated in very specific ways. If you can look at what you expect or hope for in return for your love and see if you can let go of some expectations, I think you will feel better. We also usually think that when we love someone, everything has to change. But really, it's just a feeling you have - it's not a contract - and it's what human beings have at the core of who they are, so loving can be simple and beautiful and freeing. Love doesn't have to get all tangled up in the idea of getting something back for it. It's our attitudes and ideas about what it means to love someone that causes us pain, not love itself! So, in addition to letting go of expectation, try to think of how you can give your love to them, direct it outward, and focus on all the good things you want for them, like freedom to be who they are. Being loving toward yourself and doing this kind of inner work will really help you feel more at ease with your love for others. This is not to say that you have to tolerate bad treatment or consistently feeling like you're not getting needs met, but it's just that love is love and expectations are something else.

I haven't read all of your blog, but thought I would share those thoughts in case it helps you feel a little more centered. I hope you reach a better place about everything.

ThatGirlInGray 11-12-2012 04:42 PM


Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 166587)
I still don't know if I need to pull completely away from them all and deal with the pain of not having them in my life or try to muddle through this pain about the differences in the love/expectations of the relationships.

What about a break? Are you able to take some time, some space to figure out what you want and what you're willing to tolerate before having to make an "all or nothing" choice? If you can, I would think one of two things is likely to happen- you discover you're better off without the mismatched desires/expectations and it makes the choice to not have them in your life easier, or you discover the pain of being without them is worse than the pain of the mismatch and it makes choosing to work through the differences easier. Either way, if you can, I suggest getting away for a bit to clear your head. I hope you're able to do what you need to do for yourself, whatever that ends up being.

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