Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Relationship breakdown - How can I move on? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32658)

garhdo 11-10-2012 09:59 PM

Relationship breakdown - How can I move on?

So I have made a few posts before about the complicated poly relationship that me, Mrs, J and B found ourself in, and about how B was unhappy with the whole thing.

Well, since then B has decided that he doesn't want to have anything more to do with us. J, as his fiancee, has gone with his wishes and is not seeing us at present either, in fact she is barely speaking with us, while he is outright ignoring us. Its hard but what we have gotten out of them so far is that she still wants to see us, at least as friends if not more as she still cares about us. B however doesn't feel that way and probably hasnt for a while. In fact their own relationship has suffered as J, being poly, has put a lot of effort into her other connections and so is focusing on him now. They have stopped swinging and apparently are not seeing or talking to any of their old partners.

The problem is that while I cant speak for Mrs, (despite having a very good idea how she feels - I'm sure she'll post here later as herself) I dont think I can adjust back to being just friends with them. For B its because of how he did this and the way he seemed to attack us out of the blue - it hurt me and I'm not sure I want to see him. With J, well I still love her and still I fancy her - a lot in fact. My feelings for her are not very different to my feelings for Mrs. They are both two of the most important people in my life. However I dont want to lose her and if that means I can only see her as a friend then I need to move beyond these feelings.

Does anyone have any advice on how to do this? Anyone have any similar experiences - Either losing a partner but trying to keep them as a friend. Or having a poly partner leaving for a mono relationship?

GalaGirl 11-11-2012 11:41 PM


I dont want to lose her and if that means I can only see her as a friend then I need to move beyond these feelings.
Could you be giving yourself a time out? Like telling her you need a little space to get over the break up first. Make a friends-only date a month or two out to catch up. Maybe just coffee at the bookstore for an hour. No contact til then so everyone can heal.

Then you can catch up on the goings on since the time out and rebuild anew as only friends after having had some closure.


garhdo 11-12-2012 12:24 AM

That sounds like a good idea. i might give it a whirl. Thanks.

LilacViolin 11-12-2012 04:37 AM

I'm sort of maybe in the same place too. (How's that for vague? I just have no idea) If we move away from being in a relationship, I am taking time away. Little talking, no seeing each other. And I just can't cuddle at all. Just friends in the way I'm friends with anyone else. SO worth it but it will be hard to change those rules and habits.

I'm thinking of you. Keep us posted?

kissapolygrrl 11-12-2012 04:23 PM

I don't have much to add except to say that I'm in a similar position with my ex (i hate hate hate saying that). We split up and I felt like my heart was being torn out. I can't imagine being friends with him or his partner at this point but who knows if I'll feel differently later. Basically I'm just sending you :hugs:.

garhdo 11-12-2012 07:25 PM

Thanks for the support guys. I'm going to message her later with Galagirl's idea and see if I get a response.

Lilac I understand where you are coming from. I keep remembering all the times we've been together, and thinking that I cant do things like even hugging her or kissing her is horrible.

Kiss again I know what you mean. thinking of her as an ex is painful. Its awful.

Wish me luck.

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:35 PM.