I'm a mono In love with a poly girl and know not what to do
Plane and simple Iím a monogamist. Not only that but Iíve been one faithfully all my life. The closest Iíve ever come to an experience of plural relations or cheating I became so irritated with the thought of hurting either person that I told my then girlfriend the hour before I had almost snuck away to be with another girl that I had to break up with her because I was not feeling the relationship the same way she had been and I wanted to be with this other person.
In recent years Iíve had more casual relationships and I was in what I thought was a relationship with a person who claimed to be ďpolyamorousĒ but was simply not telling the guy she lived with about all the other men she was fucking or any of the other men she was fucking about the guy she lived with, or most of the other men. I was also in another relationship where the person claimed to be polyamorous but it turned out that it was just a way to explore multiple relationships for that person with a similar stance of keeping one or two thinking they were exclusive.
Iíve also been in one night stands which instantly turned me off to the concept of casual sex all together.
Especially in the US where sex seems to be far too much of a chore in both social and emotional aspects.
In far too many relationships Iíve been hurt so the institutions of polyamory, monogamy, ďopenĒ relationships or ďswingingĒ are obviously of no concern as to why people do what they do in relationships. They are concepts and I have accepted that there are those who may practice them faithfully. Unfortunately Iíve only found that those who practice monogamy faithfully are the only ones being the most honest about it and themselves.
Which brings me to my dilemma; Iím in love with a polyamorous girl. As in seriously in love with her. As in I would cut out my heart if it meant giving her a few more breaths of life. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off for this girl and she gives me no reason to think any of it is a waste or that she would ever just drop me because another of her ďmatesĒ became more to her. We give each other time and space as it is needed/wanted and we talk every day.
Polyamory is something I could never do. I donít feel that way about relationships and I would never want another person in that way when I have a person I want in that way. Just as a polyamorist would see it as offensive and unnatural to be judged for their choice, I too feel it is my nature and my choice and to be ridiculed for it would be just as equally offensive and just plain wrong.
The stance that she is with another and the instances of time spent in that way with others is painful to me.
I donít want it to be painful to me but Iíve realized it is my natural self and my state of emotional health that there is nothing wrong with. Iím not jealous; Iím just hurt by the state of how things are that I can not be all this person needs/wants. Yes that sounds like jealousy but I just donít see it that way because Iím not pissed at the other guys and I donít want to tear her away from what she wants/needs, Iím just hurt by it. I canít honestly say that there is part of me wanting it to be different BUT I also know that if she changed, there is a chance she could change for the worse.
I donít want to know about the other guys either. I donít hate them and we might very well be friends if we knew each other but I donít want to know specifics like, ďthis night Iím fucking so and soĒ.
We live far apart so I donít have to be that exposed and I travel a lot for work so a nesting situation wouldnít be all that comfortable for another monogamist partner. But I know on nights when itís obvious she is out with someone else, I feel terrible. Why should I?, Iím not there and if I was it would be even worse.
When I think about just her and when we are together, there is nothing else in the world.
Some things stick out though.
Recently one of her other partners got a girlfriend and wasnít there for her on a night she planned for them. She was hurt by that and stressed about it much the way Iíve stressed about her being with others. Though shes said before that in polyamory something like that wouldnít register that way.
But it did.
That caused a rift to develop. Not between us but between how I felt about the relationship.
I felt like Iíd become a crutch because she wanted more time just with me and was closing off from others. I enjoyed the added attention But she is still polyamorus and I donít see it as fair at all. With that kind of instability in how she sees things that could very well mean that the emotional attachments are just as important to her with multiple people BUT, they have to be part of her own group and see no one else outside of her OR she really isnít polyamorous at all and is just using it as a crutch until she can find a person who will put up with it enough and be what she is looking for.
In that case it is just a way to have your cake and eat it too.
Either I am becoming that person or at any moment a new person will be added to the group or another current member will become more important. If she is truly polyamorus then doesnít it stand to reason that there are borders to maintain as with monogamy?
There is something Iíve maintained as FACT in any relationship type Iíve seen.
One of the two is more into things than the other or one is using the other. Usually it is both. Polyamory would seem to be the perfect solution but then I keep running into people who arenít really polyamorists, they are just using the term to fuck and sample traditional feelings with those in their group who are more giving and get the dirty play from those who are not.
Iím rambling. Am I stupid? I love this person more than I can say. I do not want to hurt her or see her hurt, I could never take from her or force her to do anything because it would destroy me just to think about it. All I can do is love her, let her be who she is and without her in my life I wouldnít be the same. I feel like I wouldnít be me without her. Yes, I know I sound crazy. Iím a monogamist who can not love anyone but this polyamorous person. Outside of this technical hiccup in how she views what happened with this other guy getting a girlfriend, I understand and accept who she is. The pain of her being with others is something Iím willing to deal with for her. I guess I just need others to talk to. A support network for my support network. Because I still get lost in this. If anyone can understand this it would be a big help.
Am I being in the wrong relationship? Should I bite the bullet and stick with a monogamous partner because I might hurt more later? Am I just being bullshitted again?
I know my own feelings could be deceiving me here either way. Which sounds more logical?
Now that you've written it out....
Let it sit for a while, then come back and read it.
When I do that... I see the clues I left myself... How I really felt, but was stuffing. What issues were causing anxiety/fear...
Keep reading the posts around here. There are monos in love with polys. There are many paths to follow.
Enjoy the journey.. You will learn about yourself, the poly girl and the universe.
Agreeing with clairegoad
Yes, sit with this and come back to read it later. You are experiencing a true maelstrom of emotions, and I hope that writing it out has helped to relieve some of that.
I feel you're a little defensive; don't worry! We're not going to bite because you're mono. There are many monos on this forum, and if you give respect, you will receive it. :)
I will point out the three things that struck me the most while reading your post.
I hope you can find clarity here, and the sounding board you so obviously need.
Sounds very illogical, I know.
This forum has helped and further confused me immensely. Both good and bad.
The thing that sticks out most at this point as you said is that with polyamory it is just as natural as me being mono. It boils down to two things for me.
1- If my emotional investment is justified as things are. IE, If I can really deal with this as is enough to be exclusive to this person. Because if I am not exclusive I can't be with her and I know already that she would be hurt if I chose otherwise (as things are now at least). I can't be poly either. For me it is unnatural.
2- If I can eventually handle becoming less to her which is far more of a possibility with poly because she has that option.
Which brings up another problem. She has options where as I've found the only one I prefer above any other. The possibility of her prefering another to me is always there. Which means at some point I will have to sacrifice my "position" and be either less or not at all.
Poly really is no different to mono in terms of the potential emotional damages only with poly you have the chance to damage more people at the same time. Makes for one hell of an alphamale game as well because with men it is obviously different. A poly male is always going to be either cock of the walk with who ever he is grouping, a casual emotionaly disconnected feeder who still finds amusement and game in being preferred over others or a very desperate, conflicted or confused attachment (as I find myself feeling) and there is always a game to how men perceive relationships and sex.
Actually now that I look at it that way, I kinda prefer being a conflicted attachment.
I'm not in this relationship for game and I cold care less who these other people are.
Woman have the capacity to be more logical in relationships and don't capitalize sex as men do. They may capitalize very dumb relationships but they don't game like men do. At least not as much.
Outside of this relationship, I'm not a very emotionally invested person either. I feel very deeply but only for those I love. In real life I'm nearly intolerable for how disconnected I can be to everyday things and things that most people see as important, which i do not.
In light of how i prefer my life to be this relationship makes sense. So much sense. The sad part is that one day I may not be what I was to her. I wouldn't be doing anything differently or changed in any way, I just wouldn't be as I am now in her heart or eyes, she would move on and I would be back to square one or worse. I don't want to lose myself in this and i don't want to lose her. It is that the possibility of losing her is more probable because she is poly.
As things are, I can deal with that. With all relationships you have to take a beating on some level or it isn't worth anything. For her I'm willing to take a beating and so far I haven't gotten as bloody as in other relationships, poly or mono.
That is the over all factor It really boils down to. Despite the definitions or how we want to paint the relationships, it's how much of a beating we are willing to take for anything we may not be getting out of it. Which is true in any relationship.
I'm actually thinking of moving to the southern US of all places just so I could see this person one or two times more a month. Not a cool southern state either. This state and the region of this state are like the 9th circle of American hell as far as intolerance, rednecks and just plain ignorant living.
But i would gladly spend the rest of my life calling it home if it meant being with this person more often.
I haven't read what others have written yet, so excuse me if I repeat stuff.
First off I think you are looking at her relationship life from a mono mindset. Understandable as you are mono, but I think you need to learn what a poly mindset is in order to empathize and at least accept what you don't understand. Reading this forum will help amazingly I'm sure of that.
Secondly, I think you need to take a deep breath and not involve yourself so much in her relationship life. Its for her to figure out and not your business other than to get to know her lovers and embrace them as a part of your life as long as you are with her. She comes with all of them, not just on her own. I see that as your job, not the all mighty voice of mono reason. As much as it drives you crazy and as much as you want to say "what the fuck?!" you will drive her away if you don't get on board with what I have just said as she just won't put up with what she previeves as a downer on her view and what she values in my opinion.
Thirdly, you will need to learn to trust that this relationship is not the bullshit relationships you have been through with other so called poly bullshitters. They were wolves dressed up in lambs clothing and are not poly! Full stop. I did not hear one poly scenario in what you described.
My boyfriend is mono and I speak from experience. You sound much as he did when we began and I see the deal breakers I struggled with in what you have said. Be careful not to put your mono agenda on her. She is not mono and will not understand. If you love her as much as you say you do, start talking and start learning. There is much work to do, but it can be so worth it. Ask her to learn too about being mono. Its an entirely different language in a lot of ways.
Just ask Mono. Right love? :D
Wow, you have some poly learning to do my friend, just having read your last post! You won't lose her unless you make it so. Poly is not "with" or "not with," as it is in mono relationships. Its adjustable and manoverable. She has equal chance of being hurt, because when you leave it will be for good!
Chances are this is how she sees her SO, who by the way has every right to try being mono. What the hell, if he can manage it, why not! Its certainly easier. I have known poly folks that drop off when they fall for someone who asks them to be mono. Look at the thread about venting right now, my friend dated a mono woman that asked him to be mono with him and he ended up cheating as he just couldn't do it. Relationships don't just stand still right where they began, they change and I suspect that buddy is no where near the end of his journey, just as you aren't, so why judge him for that?
To add to that I have a tersiary boyfriend that is dating a mono woman right now because he wants to give it a try. We have an agreement that "we" are not done. He still flirts with me, touches me in a special way. Kisses me. All because he misses us. He is on his own path and I wait, respect and love him regardless. I am his closest friend and confidante apart from his girlfriend. I'm good with this journey and support him whereever I can and in addition to her. To me we never ended other than his priority changed and we don't have sex right now. Other than that, I am not going anywhere, unlike if I were mono. I'd be long gone.
I don't see how I'm trying to fit her in a mold or to a mono standard. I know she has been with others while we have been together and I've never protested or manipulated to get her out of being who she is. You just said that with poly the group has to be knowlegable about everyone else. Now is that a rule or not?
Cause this mono has always been objective to rules of such hard core mandate. If she is poly and if that means little more than being in plural sexual relationships with the understanding of all involved, then so be it. If I have to sit down to tea with all these other SOs, know their names and go to BBQs together then so be it but is that really part of this "rule" as well or can a person be poly without the introductions?
A running theme in the poly/open relationships I've been in is that I'm doing something to ruin things. When there is no evidence of the sort. I openly accept the other person for how they want to live but at the same time i let them know that I "deal" with them being with others. I don't see that i have to feel great about it if I don't feel great about it. But i also see it as what it is. It is not intended to hurt anyone and it does not mean I'm any less to her than I am. It happens like the rain or the sun.
I understand that with poly as with mono the relationship always changes BUT with poly you are always tuning down one channel over another.
You can't keep them full blast at all times. Tuning people out is always a process of,.. well, tuning people out.
And if your tuning in and out multiple channels there is a fairer chance one will simply roll off the dial than if you stick to one station for the reason of there being so much less crap on it than the others.
How does this make me the bad guy when it doesn't work out with a poly.
I accept how things are, I let the person know how I feel, I give space and time where it is needed and I don't manipulate or mandate. The only commonality i see is that I'm the one not being plural and somehow this makes me no longer interesting enough to take seriously. Which opens up that age old and far to obvious facet of the frail human need to be involved in manipulative relationships weather poly or mono. Both have some social rule sets that are complete bullshit as far as I've seen.
Poly seems to get just as over complicated as mono for no reason and I am who I am.
Back again to the question if I am willing to take what is going on and any double standards that present themselves.
Again, so far I've not felt any worse than any poly or mono relationships I've been in before and I feel happier with this person.
If things change for her, if I'm tuned down, would I be able to remain one of her SOs?
Am I setting myself up to be hurt again?
These are the questions.
I am not the queen of poly. I have a lot to learn and have learned a lot. I would suggest that you also look at your girlfriend the same way and this forum the same way. You seem to be very frustrated in your confusion and are looking for direct solid rules and answers to your questions. There are none. Unlike monogamy, poly relationships are based on what is right for the individuals in them. In monogamy the rules are laid out and one choses what works or doesn't from them. There are some guidelines and shared experiences that can be used as something to fall back on, but that is it. The rest is up to you and your girlfriend.
... Where do you get that you are a bad person? Confused.
I'm not opposed to the idea of knowing these other people she "dates" but she doesn't want them to know each other and I've simply not explored knowing them out of my own preference. Since she doesn't want us to know each other I'm perfectly OK with that and would prefer it BUT, as you said, it works better for poly that everyone know each other and understand. I've suspected more and more than this is just another "open" relationship because even those I've been in before who said they were poly ended up just wanting to have the cake and eat it to. Putting on the label of poly as it is a more mature way of plural relationships but then not really living up to any of it as far as the understanding among all involved. if this is just another "open" relationship then once again I'm in the position of "flavor of the week" and no matter how great things may seem, there is a good change another flavor will come along and I'm once again a feather duster who can be pulled out of the closet when and it the next guy doesn't work out.
I see the difference between that and polyamory but I've yet to see it in honest practice in those who claim polyamory.
As I've seen great failures in those who claim mono. I'm a pilgrim without a country. It has helped being on this forum though. I think My only problem is I don't care to play games and far to many people do when they are in relationships no matter what kind of relationships those are.
Too many people want their cake and to eat it to. The more I explore a relationship the more I find the biggest problems are always with filtering out all the bullshit and games.
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