Complicated triad part-breakup situation
This post is half to help me get an idea of things and also to ask for, hmm, communication advice? And general opinions on the situation.
I'm a 19 yr old girl, who has been in a triad relationship with 2 guys; A and B.
It's been roughly 2 years since we all got together. It just happened without much discussion, none of us had been Poly or knew what Poly was. The love was not equal but it worked out (I love A but am in love with B, B loves me but is in love with A and A loves B but is in love with me). All relationships went relatively smoothly in couples as well as all together. Also open so there were a few play partners but nothing serious.
We went on dates, I moved in with B, we all met but A and B didn't meet together much for this time. I decided to bring A with us on a holiday at the last minute, which was camping and the longest we'd all spent together in one time. Exciting and thrilling. I really genuinely thought we were in for a lifetime relationship.
The night before we were going to go home A got drunk, I teased him for being a lightweight and he punched me. In the face. Because he felt like it. I ran off crying and curled up in a ball. B found me and hugged me and A stood there saying he was drunk and I should forgive him. Then he started to poke at B and slapping him in the face to get B to respond (B was very silent and thinking) so I pinned A on the floor and growled at him and then he hit me again twice. I decided it wouldn't work out between me and A so I told him we shouldn't talk any more because it would be painful. A said 'ok whatever you think is best' and we haven't talked for 2 months. He hadn't been aggressive in the 2 years we'd been together.
Since then A and B are still meeting weekly. I live with B and happily. I couldn't ask B to stop seeing A (though I made it clear I was unhappy) and B didn't ask for me to be with A at all. I do have the fear that B will prefer A to me but the main concern is that B was so busy with work at the time that he just kept meeting A and I didn't say anything for fear of stressing him and forcing him to deal with the fucked up situation of being in the middle. The worst part is that it feels like B didn't express to A that he was upset/disappointed by him hitting me beyond the silence in the moment.
For now I have been putting off the conversation and trying to distract myself when they meet (e.g. being asleep/out of the house when B comes home from meeting A so I don't have to see how happy he is). I fucking miss A and am struggling to call and forgive him because of that, and I'm suffering the breakup in silence because nobody even knew about mine and his relationship except B. B is finishing his work in a few days and I don't know how to approach this.
- I don't want to push B away. Why mention it at all? I've gone this long holding my tongue, and they are happy maybe I should be happy for them like I was before.
- It's too late to get the emotional response from B that I would've wanted (how dare you punch her you bastard) as they are meeting happily so it's now out of context. What would I be even asking for?
- I could make it all go away by forgiving A, only I've lost all respect and he hasn't tried to fight for me back. There is more to him than the drunk who punched me though, and it was once in two years and I'm not even giving him a second chance. Though if I do it may give the impression that it's okay and I will forgive him eventually even without him apologising.
There's just so much going on in my head about this.. Let me know your thoughts..
- Don't hide your feelings just to avoid the possibility of offending B. Explain to him why you were hurt, why you continue to be hurt. Not that you want him to leave A, but that you don't understand why you getting hit wasn't a big deal. If your relationship can't take that much honesty, then it's not much of a relationship, y'know?
- B doesn't necessarily need to confront A for you to get closure. It might be nice for him to bring it up. Like, "Hey, I spoke to Disruptive about the breakup. She doesn't want to get back together, but she misses you. She's still really confused about that time you punched her, though, and I have to admit that I am too. What was that about? Do you do that sometimes when you're drunk, or was it just a weird fluke? Would you ever do it to me? Have you considered therapy?" Again, if they have a strong enough relationship, it should be able to handle such a conversation, irregardless of context. But that's B's choice. What really matters, for your relationship with B, is that you at least understand what he's thinking, whether or not he talks to A.
- You can forgive A without getting back together with him. Personally, I don't know if I could trust someone who did that to me and didn't show remorse.
AnnabelMore: Wow. some fantastic points and I have definitely taken something from this (especially the suggestions for getting closure without confrontation). Thank you.
The thing about being honest with B is that the timing's got to be right, I could give him advance warning. How do I say I want a deep and meaningful chat with him sometime next week without him stressing out now?
Hitting people is NOT ok, and staying with someone who is OK with you being hit? That's not OK either. It is NEVER ok. Do not be tempted to minimize it with "Oh, he was drunk... he did not mean it" or something. Who cares if he was drunk? Why allow himself to GET drunk if his drunk behavior is this way? He is responsible for his behavior. Being free to choose does not mean you are free from the consequences of your choice.
I'd gently suggest you take a gander at
to see if anything else rings a bell that you may have not disclosed. (And you do not have to disclose -- just for yourself, take a look.)
You deserve nice treatment, not poor treatment.
Do not worry about B being "stressed" if you say you want to have a serious talk. Let him own his own emotions. You own yours.
It is not your job to make other people feel good or prevent them from feeling yucky.
It is your job to look after your own mental health, emotional health, physical health and spiritual health.
It is your job to choose how YOU behave. You cannot control how others choose to behave.
They choose how they behave. If they choose behavior that does not line up with your values -- like you value feeling safe? You can choose to walk away from unsafe people.
Not mentioning this to B wouldn't make me physically unsafe, but I do plan on talking to him at the end of the week even if something comes up or he says he is too stressed to hear it.
I would not let myself be anyone's 'punching bag'. I think if he showed enough remorse I would give him another chance, with a very clear 'any attempt to cause me harm in any sense and it's over' clause. I won't immediately trust him again and I certainly don't think 'I was drunk' is a good excuse for anything. However he's not looking like he's going to show remorse so it's not going to happen that way.
Went to the link and I believe anyone can tick those boxes sometimes; male or female. There aren't any significant issues highlighted by the list for B, though I worry that A has blackmail type material on B and B has said he feels like he couldn't offend A without fearing it gets used. Not a healthy relationship :/ I also believe A doesn't really love B but has used him to get what he wants (e.g. alcohol bought for him when he was under 18 and lifts about town)- a little psychopathic I always thought, along with lack of remorse.
The best scenario would be for their relationship with each other to naturally fall apart without me, as I guess I was hoping for. I want him to make the decision not to be with A on his own, either from respect for me or self preservation for himself. I feel very much alone :( I don't want to lose B, I've never been in love with anyone in the same way so really want to make it work with him. The problem is, B still feels the same way about A.
Anyone can do some of those things now and again. Healthy people -- when realizing they have trespassed on another -- APOLOGIZE and are remorseful and make amends and strive to not do it again.
If it is a cluster of things, chronically happening, without remorse -- red flags should go up. And some things like hitting? That doesn't get any second chances. At least not with me.
That you are ok with him dating a guy who hits you? That is not cool. It is not ok. It is not kind, loving behavior toward you for B to be "ok" with you getting hit by his other partner A. It is not kind, loving behavior for A to hit his partner B's other sweetie. It is not kind for your partner A to hit you. Not matter which way you slice it -- it is not good.
Healthy loving is not hurtful.
I hope he chooses you, and gets away from A (who by your account sounds kind of user-y).
I hope if he doesn't choose you, that YOU will choose you. And that you walk away from potentially harmful relationship(s).
A has clearly harmed you physically. I don't see how staying with B (knowing that he is seeing your assailant A) is anything but mentally and emotionally harmful/unsafe to you. It already bothers you that he did not try to defend you in the heat of the moment or called A into account or anything. It is devaluing you.
If he doesn't want to hear it, or gets avoidy -- that too devalues you. It is not good for you to stay with a partner that is emotionally unsafe. You doing something like that is YOU devaluing you. YOU are responsible for caring for you mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health.
You don't need this crap at 19 -- you don't need it EVER. You deserve to be treated well. You do NOT deserve to be treated badly. You have worth, dignity, and value. You deserve better treatment than this.
That all may be Hard to Hear, because you do love B. But again... sometimes it's better to decide to love from a safe distance. Loving someone does not mean automatic staying with them.
Physical bruises are not the only things that happen -- emotional and mental bruising can happen to.
I am sorry you are hurting and going through all this. I hope you decide to take care of YOU first and foremost. There will be more loves in your life -- if you are Open to allow it to come in time.
There WILL be other people. You WILL fall in love again.
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