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ilivefree 06-02-2009 04:42 AM

hiya all,

so of course, i'm new to the idea of polyamory and i suppose i'll babble about it in case someone else finds comfort resonating with my own experience.

i'm 32, and happily married for 3 years. i'm mostly lesbian (i consider myself about 70% so, i think my wife considers herself about 85%) and this weekend we went to a party where, having not eaten much all day, i consumed beer (PBR, my fav), and the flood gates of my mind opened up. i basically told my wife that i'm not sure i'm monogamous and i don't care if she is; she can do what she pleases. i repeated "i love you, but i want to be free" quite a few times.

the roots of this feeling lie in my youth; i've always been the type to have very few friends, but those i choose are the type i would trust with my life -- i would jump into a fox hole with them (if that makes sense). anyway, i fell in love with a woman when i was 19 and wow, were we in love; she was my first love and i still get all goofy thinking or talking about her (which thankfully, my wife thinks is adorable).

the point is that in loving my first love and loving my wife, and considering how i've felt in relationships, i've been reflecting on myself. i love love and i love lovable people. i love women, and i love men, but in a totally different way. i sometimes don't see why i can't take a friendship somewhere else just because i'm in a relationship, then i catch myself, scold myself, and suppress how i feel.

i read "friday" by robert l. heinlein in my early 20's, and it seriously impacted me (as did "stranger in a strange land"). heinlein seems to understand what love and affection is all about, its purpose and freedom.

last year i evolved further in my thinking by becoming a student of anthropology (i quit my career to go back to college). majoring in anthropology has shown me not only biological cases for polyamory (a word my wife had to teach me), as primate behavior shows many examples of this; but also social cases. there are so many cultural examples of different practices regarding love and marriage that are foreign but somehow comforting to my western mind.

gosh, i'm babbling a lot; obviously i haven't had much of an outlet.

as of now, my wife and i have discussed my drunken philosophical spewing, and she did research and came back and said that she thinks i may be poly. i'm not attached to any label, but i know what i feel and i feel that there are so many awesome reasons to not restrict myself to only loving one person. don't get me wrong, i ADORE my wife, she is my solid foundation, but i guess i like variation, and i also miss men sometimes, and i like close friends, and i guess i want friendships where rules don't have to apply.

we're still in the VERY early discussion phase of all this, but i thought i'd take a step to put myself out here... read what y'all have to say and do some learning. if i am poly; wow, what a relief. i've beaten myself up over this for years... wondered what's wrong with me, why am i so flighty, why do i love falling in love so much, and why do i still love my first love so much... so many questions. also, my dad was a serious cheater through out all 6 of his marriages. he broke my mom's heart by not giving up his girlfriend, all before i was born, so maybe being raised with all that negativity set me up to feel shame for how i feel. my oldest brother is dead, but in his life, he also had issues about monogamy; he had "a girl in every port" so to speak. i don't know if these two examples show a genetic proclivity for polyamory or if both men just had women issues and thus became cheaters. it will be amusing to explore this discussion with my pop.

with myself and my wife, we'll see what happens, but i've already learned that my wife and i need to keep talking. i know she wonders why she attracted me (she believes that you attract what you are). she's concerned about jealousy and losing time with me. as a student, i have no idea how i'd have time for anything. :D

i welcome insight, but otherwise, i think i just needed to get all this off my chest into cyberland. oh yes, safe cyberland. :)


MonoVCPHG 06-02-2009 04:53 AM

Welcome to the forum!:)

ilivefree 06-02-2009 04:54 AM

thanks, matey!

ImaginaryIllusion 06-02-2009 05:21 AM

Hey....I'd say welcome, but I just kinda got here my own self.

Although in reading through many of the other posts on here...someone's going to say Communication is key...which it seems you've already figured out. Yes, you and your wife will have to keep talking...and talking, and talking.

I don't have much in the way of insights for the moment, but I will suggest you get out the comfy chair and the soft cusions, and be patient! My wife and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage in a well functioning mono relationship...well, as well functioning as marriages are. :) We've been talking about non-monogamous type subjects for most of the last 5 years, and looking seriously at poly for the last 3. So far, it's still very much a work in progress...we're still talking more than doing to make sure we keep our own marriage solid.

If you've been married for 3, and this just came up on the weekend...you will likely still have a long road ahead of you...

But then, love is a journey...not a destination, so...have a fun trip!


vampiresscammy 06-02-2009 12:10 PM

heyla and welcome!!

wow, you sound very much the way I did when the damn finally burst for me and I had to face some realizations about myself about 6 or 7 years ago, its never easy going through change when you already have a partner but its oh so wonderful when they try to be and eventually can be accepting of what you've discovered about yourself

all terms aside, it is so nice to know their are others out here whom love many and not feel alone and confused in that respect, suppresion is not good for anyone

it sounds like your handling it beautifully, going to your lady, telling her how you feel and she isn't running screaming or tossing you out, thats wonderful, hope you can continue to travel this new road together

wherever you go from here or how slowly you decide to travel there, i wish you nothing but goodness and send you happy thoughts, good luck to you and your lady :)

ilivefree 06-18-2009 04:28 AM

thanks for the warm welcome, y'all! we're still processing (pretty sure it won't stop any time soon), but learning at a rapid curve.

looking forward to maybe going to a poly bbq this weekend with my wife. :D

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