More sexuality confusion (does it end? lol)
Hey. I've posted here a few times in the past about my relationships (bf of 6 yrs, gf of 2.) Things are going pretty well.
Last I was here I was agonizing over my sexual feelings (or lack thereof) for my bf. I wasn't sure if I was gay or what was going on.. but we talked it out and have had a non sexual relationship for the past few months. He's been sleeping with other women and I'm still sleeping with my gf and just recently was with the first girl outside of those two since I met my gf (3some with the gf.)
I feel weird/guilty because.. I am starting to have sexual feelings for other guys. I know, just can't make up my mind can I? The longer I am in these two relationships and the more I discuss my feelings openly, the more I have come to realize I am truly poly. There's no getting around it.
I guess I'm just wondering if this is... "normal" - I still don't desire to have an ongoing sexual relationship with my boyfriend - but I'm fantasizing about being with other men. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because I feel like it would be seen as betraying my bf in a sense.
After my last few mistakes of keeping my feelings inside I'm wondering if this is something I should talk about or leave it be. Is it selfish to want to be with/be curious about other guys? I haven't been with (or even really been interested in) any other men besides my bf since I started dating him in high school, so it's been a while. And like I said the more comfortable I get with myself the more natural being poly feels.
I love him for him, and just like it's always been between us with girls, no one could come in between. Would it be rude and selfish of me to talk to him about this? After how open he has been with me entering into a serious relationship with my gf. Am I asking too much? My curiosity is just poking me to get some opinions on this lol. Thanks.
Well, I guess the big question is -- is he ok with the fact that you two have a non-sexual relationship?
Well he wouldn't prefer it but it's what is working for us right now and keeping there from being awkward uncomfortable tension on my end. We love each other and want to be together always but the sex part wasn't working for me anymore so we are focusing on other things together right now. He is still attracted to me sexually and wants to be with me in that way but doesn't want to push me to do anything I don't want to. Like I said, he has been hooking up with other women so he is free to do as he pleases in that area.
Hmm, well, if he believes that the cessation of your sex life is because you might be gay, then of course it will come as a rude awakening to him to find out that, no, it's not men, it's just that you don't want *him*. I know I'd be hurt in his position, and I might not be able to carry on in the relationship. However, I think you should tell him. He deserves the truth. And there's every possibility that he will still consider the relationship worth preserving, just as he does now, as a non-sexual partnership. Maybe he'll deal just fine, either right away or after a little time to recover. It's a risk. But it's worth it to be honest, imho.
So you and the BF are now more at "companionate love" for this stage of life. Nothing wrong with that if you are both happy and satisfied in sharing this type relationship. Things can move around within that love theory model -- people are not static and time changes things all over the place.
There is nothing wrong with you feeling desire for other people -- male or female. Feelings are just feelings. Rain is rain, sun is sun, emotion is emotion. You could choose to just let it blow on through and not say boo to anyone about it.
Or if your currrent polyship enjoys titillating talk and they are willing to participate -- you could choose to fantasize all you want about other people with your current Loves. Let your mind run wild with them! Enjoy!
Or if your current polyship agreements do not allow you to date men and this is something you want to act on, you could choose to ask both BF and GF to renegotiate. Poly agreements ALSO can change and evolve over time as the polyship people's needs flow and ebb.
The point is.. Emotion does NOT have to be acted on automatically just because you feel it. YOU get to choose what to do about that emotiona felt, if anything at all. Just having the emotions doesn't make you "weird" or something.
Either way? Just be up front and honest. Report your emotional weather. Then he knows where you are at, the authentic real YOU.
He can choose to say "Sure! Tell me more!" He can choose to say "No, don't tell me about that!" He can choose all manner of things. Because he chooses his next behavior.
He chooses how he behaves. You choose how you behave.
In my life? I tell DH all sorts of things about my desires, emotions, crushes, or fantasies. DH knows if I wanted to seriously pursue I'd come to him to renegotiate agreements too. I like the level of emotional intimacy we share. Why would I hold back? He can either handle me full on or he can't. After 20 years together? I know he can take it. It's a turn on, actually. :)
Hey, thanks for your responses.
I discussed this w my therapist and she agrees if I'm gonna talk to him about it I should be ready to think about and explain why maybe I am still interested in men, maybe it's not a gay straight thing.
I think what really bothered me the most about having regular sex w my bf is the expectation to always be physical. I realized, I very much like and need to be in control of my situations, my feelings and my body. If I want to spend time with someone I care about I don't want the pressure hanging over my head to have sex and feel guilty if I'm not in the mood. I LOVE polyamory because I feel I'm truly in control of my life and can be myself and love people the ways that feel natural to me. I need polyamory because I need to be my own person, I don't want to be owned.
My bf and I hung out last week and had quality time together, talking, cooking, cuddling. We made out a little and it was nice. I enjoyed just being close to him and being affectionate, showing each other we care. I didn't want to do anything more than that and I'm relieved we are on this break from sex because I don't have to explain myself if I don't feel like going further. I don't know. I feel okay with my decision but its still hard getting past that society says this makes me a bad lover.
As far as other guys, I don't wanna go further than that w anyone at this pt either. I think I'm just feeling really curious as to what it's like kissing another guy or being intimate like that. I think I'm just feeling the need to have the freedom to explore my sexuality and emotions in my own way in my own time. I don't wanna hurt anyone I just want to experience life and people and see what I can learn.
I'm completely open to my bf & gf exploring these things w other people. It makes me happy to see and hear about. It's hard to feel like I have different guidelines when I see them making out with whoever they want whenever they want lol. I dunno I'm trying to get better at talking about my feelings and needs. It helps to hash it all out here first.
I can relate, because I remember your previous posts and I left my boyfriend of 5 years to be with another woman, thinking that I was a lesbian. He spent a few years hoping for something more but finally... we seem to be at a point we are both happy with - very very close platonic friends.
However, like you, where once I thought I was done with men, enlightened, blah blah... I have had confusing feelings about men over the years. Never really emotional feelings; but sexual ones.
Like you, I feel guilty, as if I am betraying my ex boyfriend. He has already told me that if I ever sleep with another man, he doesn't want to know and it would hurt him deeply, because he has concluded that we ended so that I could be with women. But... I let him believe that, through a mixture of feeling that way at the time and a little bit of what I thought was kindness.
It's true... you don't have to act on your feelings. But of course, you are having those feelings because in some part, you finally feel 'free'.... but not quite free enough to do whatever you want. So suddenly, all those other men seem tempting. Of course it's worth exploring at some point. Life is an exploration.
As for you being cool about bf and gf's poly interactions... just remember not to think of yourself as more evolved, or them being unfair, hypocritical or lagging behind. We all have our different triggers and limits. Some of that, I believe, is biological. Some of us are triggered by sight (seeing event happen)... some by sound (hearing about it)... some by language (reading what they have written to someone)... etc.
We don't feel jealousy for a number of reasons. Sometimes, we're very evolved and feel secure. I personally think it's very rare not to ever, ever, ever have even a pinprick of insecurity - a simple "well, I guess it is fathomable that my love could leave me". More likely, we are a little too self-assured, perhaps naive, narcissistic or complacent if we truly never, ever, every have a second of anything other than security. But that's my opinion. Worst case scenario... we aren't jealous because we have a deep psychological struggle with intimacy. When that's the case, we aren't as sensitive as others, so we don't feel jealousy as strongly as those who embrace intimacy, value it and are very sensitive.
I think what really bothered me the most about having regular sex w my bf is the expectation to always be physical. I realized, I very much like and need to be in control of my situations, my feelings and my body. If I want to spend time with someone I care about I don't want the pressure hanging over my head to have sex and feel guilty if I'm not in the mood.
I can TOTALLY relate to this! It is so painful. After 12 years of marriage, I developed great anxiety around sex...I was trying so hard to be attracted to and want me husband - but I just couldn't force it.
Were you ever passionately sexually attracted? Did you enter the relationship for different reasons - like honesty and companionship or was there attraction that has faded?
We used to have a pretty good sex life. I liked having sex w him and was flirty and more passionate. But never the passion sexually I have w my gf. It was never the #1 best part of our relationship. I used to be more into sex when we first started dating and he was the one who was harder to get into it.
Things went well when the two of us slept w other girls together, but now that I'm with my Gf she's not comfortable w me being with girls when she's not around.
I think the fact that our sex life was the best when another person was involved says a lot. In the days when my sex drive was higher than his, he used to say he worried cuz in the past he'd get bored easily. That may be what's happening to me. Not that bored is the word I'd use to describe it, but having someone else to care for always brought us closer together. It was an exciting change.
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