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-   -   Totally new to this. Help me. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32558)

Newbie1985 11-09-2012 03:01 PM

Totally new to this. Help me.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months and we have a very wonderful relationship. She loves me, I love her. Period.

I am her first real boyfriend (i.e. relationship), and before she met me she used to have many, many lovers. She loves every single one of them as she has only had positive loving experiences. Whenever one of her old flames are in town, she always meets up with him (no sex or anything). While this was initially strange for me, I came to not only accept it, but respect it a lot.

Long before our relationship started, she met a man from Europe that she had a wonderful weekend with, before he went back home. They've been in email contact ever since; before I met her, when we met, while we were together and it is still ongoing. She told me about this a long time ago, and I always assumed that it was just her keeping contact with an old lover for the sake of the friendship which I was fine with.

However, she recently told me that her email correspondence with this guy has always been a source of excitement for her, and she really wants to go and meet him again to "see what would happen". This comes at the same as we are at a crossroad in our relationship. She wants to take me and explore the world together, try to live somewhere in a European capital, etc., but because I have a very young child from a previous relationship I am bound by my fatherly responsibilities. This is an altogether separate issue, but she has described this email correspondence with the European man as "a window into 'that' world", and so I can't help but think that somehow our issue and this guy are somehow connected. He is free as bird, has no children, and constantly travels, go on adventures etc.

She assures me that her wish to go see this guy is for reasons of pure excitement, and has nothing to do with her exploring her options or trying to 'replace' me.

I have decided to trust her on this and treat it as a gateway into possibly opening up our relationship, which might be a wonderful thing for both of us. But this is so new to me that I have no idea how to handle it. I have read about how to tackle jealousy in open relationships, and have made her aware of my emotional needs in that regard.

Basically what I am asking is: How do I handle this? I am about to puke when thinking of her just kissing this other guy. I fill with anger and this desperate feeling that I am not good enough for her if she needs to go and meet a tall, handsome, adventurous European artist and have sex with him. What the f***!?!

I WANT to feel good about this. I want to reach a point where I can be happy for her and the love she brings to the world and to other people. It's just so damn hard and I am tired of crying when thinking of her needing to 'explore' this. Please tell me something that will make it all better.

With a bleeding heart and an open mind,

Much love,

NovemberRain 11-18-2012 06:47 AM

That's a tough one. First, welcome to polyamory.com

I don't think anyone has any words that can make it all better, I'm so sorry. All I have for you is to read, read, read, and give yourself time. Is she going away in a week? Or do you have some time to process this?

What have you read about how to 'tackle jealousy in open relationships'? Keep talking to her about it. Does she know you cry?

I'm hoping that my reply will bump this up and perhaps someone who has more experience than I can offer you something more. Read, read, read, there's tons of stories on these boards that sound so much like this one.

And know that it may not be for you. There are lots of people who believe people should be able to be openly gay, but they are not gay. You may believe in the ideals of poly, but you might be wired mono. It's not a horrible thing. :)

GalaGirl 11-18-2012 07:19 AM


Could anything here help?

Esp the jealousy article (2nd link) page 5 things? She do page 6 things?

What about the article on compersion?


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