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-   -   New to all of this and need advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32507)

xoNikkiDarlin 11-08-2012 10:17 PM

New to all of this and need advice!
HI I am Nikki and I am married to Mr. S. We started talking to Ms. S, not dating yet just talk about the idea.
I really like this girl and so does Mr. S. My problem right now is that Mr. S is deleting texts from and to Ms. S. He says he is not, but I saw some text earlier in the day and now their gone. Ms. S says theres nothing to worry about. And i wanna believe her.
I wanna think it's just him not being sure if it's ok to talk to her the way he wants and doesn't wanna make me mad.
We have been married 3 year and have only talked about bring someone else into our life. Before this we have never been poly. So I'm guesing it's just him not being sure.
I want everything to be open and I told him if this is to work he needs to be open with me.
How do I over come this. How do I let him know its ok and he doesnt have to hide things and lie to me?
Any advice is welcome! Thank you! <3

Stevenjaguar 11-08-2012 11:39 PM

If you're going to successfully someone's love you're well within your rights to know what's going on. Then you need to set some ground rules. There's no rule book. The degree of openness or privacy is whatever you all agree on. Sneaking around behind someone's back about things the other lover should know about is definitely wrong and will ruin the relationship, but that being said there is the need for some privacy with a lot of people.

For example, I don't need to know the details of what my SO does when she sleeps with her girlfriend, and frankly I'm not curious about it - it's their business. I do want to know where they're going and when they should be back in case something happens but beyond that I don't intrude. (It helps that her gf is a good friend of mine)

You certainly need to have your feelings heard and some sort of resolution. I hope you can work something out.

xoNikkiDarlin 11-12-2012 09:55 PM

thank you. A lot of things to work out with this. I'm so new to everything it feels like. But right now things are awesome and I'm so happy. :D

SchrodingersCat 11-13-2012 03:34 AM

Did he know you were looking through his phone? That's my first concern. Snooping on your partner is not ideal. At the same time, I don't think partners should have secrets that they need to deliberately hide from each other.

If he knew you were looking through his phone, and he deleted the texts to keep you from seeing them, then it concerns me that he's being dishonest.

If it's true that he's basically just embarrassed about what his texting conversations, then perhaps it would be worthwhile to talk to him about it. Let him know that honesty is more important to you than propriety.

At the same time, if he wants those messages to be private, than he and Ms S have the right to their privacy. At that point, it's not lying and secrecy. You may need to accept that there are some aspects of their relationship that are separate from you.

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