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-   -   Poly or not? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325)

RaleighGuy 06-01-2009 07:18 PM

Poly or not?
I found out some time ago that my wife had renewed a relationship with a man from her past- more than twenty years in her past, via the internet and email. Since then, they have begun to talk on the phone occasionally, as well as daily emails. When they knew each other before, they slept together, but he lives too far away for that to happen now, except maybe on rare occasions. She will talk to me about what they say, and she admits that she loves him. He knows that I'm aware of their relationship, but I don't know if he is aware that I support my wife in doing whatever she is comfortable with to strengthen her relationship to "BF". I haven't talked to him, nor have I ever met him, since he was long gone when she and I got married. She's still a little nervous about my involvement, but gradually getting used to it. This has only been going since earlier this year. As I see it, she's polyamorous, and I'm just trying to enjoy her experience. She's not comfortable with that lable, either. Comments, questions, advice?

MonoVCPHG 06-01-2009 07:39 PM

She loves you and him. It is open and honest. I'd say you are experiencing a polyamorous relationship. There is nothing derogatory with the label. Have you considered what would happen if he was closer? Within physical range?

RaleighGuy 06-01-2009 08:21 PM

Well, if he were close by, then I'm pretty sure their relationship would be physical again, and that would be Ok with me, as long as she wasn't away from home too much. You said that I'm in a poly relationship. Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?

MonoVCPHG 06-02-2009 03:14 AM

I will probably take a lot of flak over this, but as you are right now, that is how I would define it. I have a similar relationship with Redpepper. She is married and I am her boyfriend. I am monogamous with her and she is polyamorous. It means your wife is definitely capable of a poly relationship and I would call her polyamorous for sure.

For me being polyamorous hinges on the intimate caring. Because she loves both of you in much the same intimate way that is poly to me. I love your approach and understanding. It is rare to have such "compersion" in a monogamous mindset. I feel it towards Redpepper's husband and know it is real. That makes you special and she should recognize the benefit of how you want her to enjoy this relationship. She is special too in that she has the capacity to love in this manner.

I wish you the best of luck.

Mark1npt 06-02-2009 05:14 AM

Ditto what Mono said.......and it's wonderful that you aren't threatened by her love for another man. If she truly is capapble of loving both of you (poly) then it'll be a very rich experience for you, too.

RaleighGuy 06-02-2009 01:50 PM

I didn't get to this point without going through jealousy, and hurt, and anger. There is still some discomfort, too. The fact that she found "him" again, and repaired the damage from all those years ago, without my knowledge, was part of the problem. On the other hand, if she had asked first, that would probably have been a problem, too. There are other problems, too, since his wife may not clearly understand the situation. He and I have never spoken, nor emailed, and whether we should or not is a question my wife and I are considering.

River 06-02-2009 02:25 PM


Originally Posted by RaleighGuy (Post 1518)
Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?

I have only one lover at the moment, but since I am consciously open and willing to having another lover, besides, that makes me polyamorous. You would be polyamorous if you were also consciously willing and able and to have more than one lover at a time. You needn't even desire this to happen, you only need to be consciously willing and able to love two at a time in order to qualify for club membership .... Okay, I'm kidding. There's no club!
... in order to qualify as poly-.

[I do not use the term "lover" to refer to merely a sexual partner, but to one with whom one is mutually committed in a loving relationship of a "romantic" sort.]

- James (a.k.a., River)

RaleighGuy 06-02-2009 02:31 PM

I understand- I've been in a situation before, long ago, when I loved two women at the same time. Just hasn't happened (so far) with my wife. I'm not sure how her "other" man feels about his wife, and I don't know if he's aware of the poly community, and of compersion, etc.

cjj23464 06-08-2009 01:48 AM

I'm in a similar situation. My husband met a woman last summer and started a relationship with her. I didn't think our marriage would get through the summer, but with some work it did. Problem, the relationship with her that i thought was over is not. He is in love with her, and says he can't let either of us go. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it all. It's so confusing. So many different emotions. i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.

MonoVCPHG 06-08-2009 02:43 AM


Originally Posted by cjj23464 (Post 1682)
i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.

Then perhaps you are..no harm in that LOL! I'm monogamous in a polyamorous relationship and loving Redpepper more and more everyday:) There is nothing wrong with different natures. It's simply about being true to yourself and your needs to be healthy and happy. I know what mine are and communicate to ensure our love flourishes.

Mono/Poly relationships are challenging for sure, don't discount that. It's a matter of the pain/pleasure balance. Hope you flourish in your relationship, Take care.

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