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-   -   Bright Shiny New Toy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3242)

marksbabygirl 07-16-2010 01:48 AM

Bright Shiny New Toy
Wow! I have a bright shiny new toy... sitting in my closet... waiting to be played with.

That's what the decision to explore poly relationships feels like. I want to play with my shiny new toy - only it requires friends - its not a toy I can play with by myself.

So I take it out of the closet, play with it a while, and put it back, trying to be patient.

I'm not a patient person by nature. I like instant gratification. I am more inclined to jump into bed with someone and then step back and say "hey - lets see if we actually LIKE each other" and now I'm deliberately (out of respect for my husband) slowing myself down and trying to take things slow.

But I want to play with my new toy. I want to find someone who will happily teach me (or learn with me) the rules of the game.

I remember - when I finally got together with my husband, I was not looking for a lifetime partner. I was looking to get laid. And I did. And I realized I had fallen in love. And he left his wife for me 2 weeks later :p (fun story there) and we got married a year and a half after - and the rest is history.

Its hard to be patient.

Ariakas 07-16-2010 02:33 AM


Originally Posted by marksbabygirl (Post 36145)
Its hard to be patient.

In my world, this is a learned skill. Read my initial posts. Patience for me has come by education not by nature.

marksbabygirl 07-16-2010 04:13 AM

1078 posts and you want me to find the first few??? :eek:

Yeah - I know its a learned skill. I'm learning it. But I still want to play :p

Ariakas 07-16-2010 04:20 AM

click on my name
view all my posts
invert the order by date :p


marksbabygirl 07-16-2010 04:40 AM

:p :rolleyes: ;)

EugenePoet 07-16-2010 03:39 PM

Yes, I'm an impatient sort as well. And you have your own ideas about what poly is -- "your poly is not my poly" kind of thing -- but it would seem that building relationships requires more time and patience than getting laid does. But you know that already I'm sure.

If you're having trouble networking and you're comfortable with online dating you could try OkCupid and PolyMatchmaker. The former is a large site with some poly members; the latter is a small site with all poly or poly-friendly members.

Or it could be that finding friends is not a difficulty for you. I dunno, responding to posts always involves a bit of guesswork I think.

I'm not on OkCupid right now but I when I was I found some people who are in stable, long-term poly relationships. They probably have some insights to offer. And of course people on this site have developed their own understanding about how to do their kind of poly.

A few thoughts:

1. A lot depends on whether you're looking for a "secondary" partner or for a co-husband or co-wife. (Sorry about labels, but I gotta use words to talk about things.) If you're thinking you will have a lover then he or she must understand how your marriage works and how important it is. It's neither fair nor stable to let someone slide into thinking that just maybe he or she will supplant your husband in your life. And take care of your lover: realize that he or she will need consideration and affection. You might read over the Secondary's Bill of Rights for some perspective on ethical relationships with lovers.

About a co-husband or co-wife I have very little to say. No experience. Many of the others on this forum could speak to that, I think.

2. Pay attention to your husband! You've both decided to open your marriage but emotions have a life outside the rational decision-making process and they can burst out when no one expects it. Pay attention! Attendez-vous! Cuidado! And pay close attention to your own emotions, too. It's easy to let vague uneasiness just ride along, but then suddenly resentment, depression, or anger comes slamming in like a hurricane you never expected.

Good luck!

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