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-   -   More than 1 primary? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32417)

jewels6675 11-08-2012 05:51 AM

More than 1 primary?
I am very very new to the whole poly concept and I am curious if someone can have more then one primary.

ThatGirlInGray 11-08-2012 06:23 AM

Yes, a person can have co-primaries, or non-hierarchical realtionships without descriptors like primary and secondary, or no primaries but multiple secondary/tertiary relationships. One of the great things about poly (as I see it, anyway) is that as long as it works for everyone, people can have whatever relationship configuration they want!

jewels6675 11-08-2012 06:28 AM

Here's my situation. I met someone about two months ago and am falling very quickly for him. He is in a relationship now and wants poly relationships (he actually told me about the term and how it works) but I'm not sure I can honestly be a secondary...I think I would want to be a primary with him...I honestly want as much time with him as I can have.

Helo 11-08-2012 06:44 AM

That's probably not going to make HIS primary terribly happy. Part of being polyamorous is considering the feelings, wants, and needs of the other people involved in the relationship. I'm sure you do want a lot of time with him but he is already in a relationship and the other participant(s) may not be as enthusiastic as you.

I would take some time and think if you actually want a poly relationship or if you just want a relationship with him in particular.

I personally follow a sort of "personal anarchy" concept; I dont have primaries or secondaries, I have people that I love and care for and that's that. I feel uncomfortable putting people into tiers based on when they came into my life.

CattivaGattina 11-08-2012 02:53 PM

You can but it has to be something that everyone is okay with.

For me I view all my relationships (even my ones with my metamours) as equal and non-hierachal. I know that's not necessarily the case for everyone else in the family but it's how I work.

nycindie 11-08-2012 05:38 PM

Did he actually tell you he has a primary and you would only have to be secondary? Or are you assuming that the other person he is with is a primary? Because that may not be the case - he may not use a hierarchy.

Some other things to consider: you might find that you can still see him as much as you want to, whether you are labeling your role in his life as primary, secondary, or whatever. It's not the label that's important, really. What matters is asking for what you want or need and seeing if he is able to fulfill those needs/wants and meet your requests. If you say, "I want to see you four times a week and communicate with you daily," and he is able to do that, what does it matter what superficial title he or anyone else gives you?

Basically, what you need to do is start asking him as many questions about how he incorporates polyamory into his life. Questions like: How many partners does he have? Does he have a primary who comes first? How much time does he have to devote to you? Does he have any rules or boundaries with his other relationships that will affect you? Do any of his other partners have "veto power" (the ability to nix you as a partner for him, for whatever reasons)? What safer sex practices does he use? What does safer sex mean to him? Is he fluid-bonded (having unprotected sex) with anyone? How often does he get tested for STDs? Make sure that, if you are confused by any of his answers, you ask him to clarify.

Also figure out what your personal boundaries are and let him know what you will and will not accept. If it looks like it's going to be a cool arrangement that you'd feel comfy with - then, great! If it seems like you will just have a whole lot of unmet needs, drama, and angst ahead of you then start pulling back emotionally and realize he may not be a good match for you.

Sannafrid 11-08-2012 05:53 PM

When I first started seeing my primary, he was (and still is) pretty seriously involved with someone else. I started out as a secondary, but our relationship blossomed and now my metamour and I are co-primaries, and we get along very well. It can happen. And remember: clear communication is always the best policy. Talk to your partner and your meta about how much time you want to spend with him as well as your feelings about the "ranking" system.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

jewels6675 11-08-2012 11:06 PM

Thank you all for your thoughtfull responses....I greatly appreciate them.

Would it made a difference in my scenerio at all if I told you all that at the present time I live almost 390 miles away from him? I have however, been seriously considering moving to be closer to him and so that I would have better job opportunities.

nycindie 11-09-2012 12:24 AM

You're thinking of MOVING almost 400 miles to be with someone you only met two months ago? You barely know him.


jewels6675 11-09-2012 12:27 AM

Well not tomorrow!!! If I do end up moving it wouldn't be until I am done with school...so that wouldn't be until this summer. But I have been considering it yes. He would be part of the reason for the move yes, but another reason (and a big one) is that I live in a very small area in Iowa and there are very few Human Resources jobs available and by moving to a bigger city such as Indianapolis I'd have more then triple Human Resources positions available to me.

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