Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Questioning my monogamous relationship, desperately need advice. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=32402)

mklovely 11-07-2012 10:07 PM

Questioning my monogamous relationship, desperately need advice.
 
It's not the feelings involved that I question. It's just that I've never been interested in only one person, and I wonder if polyamory would be a good thing for me. But first, I really want to find a way to talk to my partner.

Any advice on how I could talk to him about the possibility of me being polyamorous without hurting him or worrying him into insecurity?

Stevenjaguar 11-08-2012 03:34 AM

I suggest you bring up the subject in an abstract way in a conversation. Ask him if he thinks people are intrinsically monogamous. How he responds should tell you how far to go with that conversation. If you're married, it makes it touchier. I can certainly understand your hesitation, but sooner or later you have to be the person you are and live your life that way.

Helo 11-08-2012 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mklovely (Post 165405)
It's not the feelings involved that I question. It's just that I've never been interested in only one person, and I wonder if polyamory would be a good thing for me. But first, I really want to find a way to talk to my partner.

Talking to your partner is a big step that is likely to rattle your relationship. I'd be dead sure this is something you want to explore before dropping that particular bomb.

Quote:

Any advice on how I could talk to him about the possibility of me being polyamorous without hurting him or worrying him into insecurity?
Short answer, there is virtually nothing you can say that is NOT going to have that effect.

Long answer, I dont know him or his stance on any permutation of a relationship but if he's monogamous and has never entertained the idea of polyamory, the question that is as inevitable as the fucking tides gets brought up; "Why am I not enough?" Having a REALLY good response to that would be a good idea.

Poly is just not something that most mono people really square with; its so outside their normal realm of thinking that its difficult to process.

YouAreHere 11-08-2012 11:58 AM

As a Mono in a Poly relationship, I don't know if there's a way you can avoid the shock/hurt/etc., but talking about it before you develop another relationship can help keep the focus in the right place... then it's about you and your needs/wants/desires, and not about "someone else trying to take you away" from them. It's easy to blame the other person in that case and not focus on the real issue, which is what you need.

If you truly do believe it is a piece of you, then I would recommend that even if your partner has a hard time dealing with it, don't hide it in a cave thinking that they'll "come around" eventually. It's easy for them to believe that if you can hide it, it's not important to you, and you'll have an uphill battle to fight later.

Good luck to the both of you. It's not easy to talk about it, but talking sets the foundation for all the communication you'll need to have in the future.

Kella 11-08-2012 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helo (Post 165492)
Talking to your partner is a big step that is likely to rattle your relationship. I'd be dead sure this is something you want to explore before dropping that particular bomb.

I don't know. In my went-disastrously-sideways experience in opening the conversation (as a poly-inclined person in a monogamous marriage), I probably waited too long and repressed/worried/thought through too much before bringing it up.

In retrospect, "I've heard about this polyamory thing and it kinda makes me curious" might have gone over better as a discussion starter than "please don't freak out, I've done a lot of research and I think I'm poly".

I don't know, because I without a doubt did it wrong, the conversation died, and I'm still in a mono marriage. I just think it might be easier to talk about if framed at first as curiosity/exploration rather than need/conviction.

Hope it goes better for you than it did for me.

GalaGirl 11-09-2012 03:57 AM

Quote:

Any advice on how I could talk to him about the possibility of me being polyamorous without hurting him or worrying him into insecurity?
What is it you want from partner?
a) to understand you are polyamorous and have the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time.

b) to understand that you do not want to be exclusive and want to date other people too

c) Both A & B

d) something else?
Get clear on why you want to have this conversation and what you are hoping to get from having it.

As for how he may feel? That's for him to own. You have the conversation, he will feel whatever he feels, you will feel whatever you feel. Then go from there. You don't get to choose your feelings -- you DO get to choose your behavior.

You also never know how it will be til you actually have the conversation. You cannot be a mind reader.


Galagirl


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:36 PM.