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micaela 07-15-2010 12:59 PM

new to this
hi everyone, i dont know where to start, so heres where i am. i have been married for 12 years and have three girls and a boy due in nov, resently my partner has come to me and said that he wants an other woman but still wants me and the kids, so as he as be honest to me, i say i would try this new relationship out, i know who the other woman is. he when and saw her last week for the first time and he has been very good at answering my questions that i have had. yesterday me and the other women sent message to each other to hopefull become friends. i just want to know am i going about this the right way? as i am not intersted in having a relationship with anybody else. please can you help.

AutumnalTone 07-15-2010 04:06 PM

Welcome aboard.

Sounds like you're doing just fine.

TruckerPete 07-15-2010 05:07 PM

Wow, you sound very calm about this, so congratulations on being so accepting of your partner's desires!

Sounds like you are doing well. Keep the lines of communication open with your hubby. It's so important!

It's also great that you would like to know the other woman better. Sometimes it's more reassuring to talk to the other person, rather than getting second-hand info.

As for not wanting any other relationships in your life, that is just fine! We are who we are. If you are happy to let hubby explore this interest and have time to yourself/with the kids/with your friends, then great!

The "right way" is what feels right to all parties involved. :)

sage 07-15-2010 07:40 PM


Sounds like you're doing a bit too fine to me?
This is a safe and usually supportive environment for you to get some help, but you have to ask for it specifically.

From your post you do sound as if you're handling it really well and doing all the right things but don't suppress feelings that may come up for you. How do you feel about being pregnant while all of this is going on?


micaela 07-15-2010 08:08 PM

im not say i dont find it hard sometimes, and my husband as be really good with me when i do. i do find it weird as to why now specially as i am having a boy that he as wanted for a long time.

micaela 08-01-2010 08:57 AM

hi again, just want to say thanks for the advice. things are going ok but from me and her becoming friends as this is new to her too, she hasnt been able to talk to me yet, so i am leaving that for a bit to see if it helps for now, my husband is going to see her again soon and stay the night and im not shore how am going to cope with this yet so any advice will be welcome and its not to do with the fact that they will have sex because they had sex the first time they meet. micaela

bimblynim 08-01-2010 09:45 AM


From what i've read, if your not comfortable with him staying the night you are fullly within your rights to say so. Its not just about sex. Again from reading i've seen diferent relationship styles, it might depend on whether your husband wants the new lady as secondary to your relationship or co-primary in your relationship, and how you feel about it/ what you are happy with. You always have the right to have your needs respected too. people are odd, maybe ask him about the timing? good luck with it all


redpepper 08-03-2010 06:01 AM

hmmmmm, the first time they met they had sex? Was this before or after he told you about her? If it was before, did he cheat on you? How does that make you feel if that is so?

What happens when the baby comes exactly? What kind of measures are you and he putting in place to make sure you get your needs met, ie. time for yourself in return for him going out with this new woman for instance. It's important that there be a balance created.

what kind of boundaries have you set up? Do you have any? It sounds like he is getting an awful lot out of this yet you don't seem to mind... surprising :confused:

It sounds like this is going fine, so excuse me for saying, but it's going oddly right it sounds like. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Maybe I have been on here too long ;)

micaela 08-03-2010 08:46 AM

i think i need to tell you how it started. my husband and this woman meet at work over a year ago now and became good friends, and started texting to each other behind my back ( not going to say wot they txt ) but i found out and they planned to meet up but he told me some thing else, so i let him go and meet her but txt him when he got there and told him i knew what he was doing, he came runnning back saying he was sorry and nothing had happen. ( only because i did give them time, i think) he said he would stop and he even left that job a few weeks later. then i found out in april that he had still been talking to her but the txts and messages were wot i would say as friends only, so i sat him down and asked him wot he felt about her and did she feel the same as him, so he told me at he had feeling for her but he still loves me and didnt want us to break up. so i said that he could talk and see her as long as he was open and honest with me and if i had any question what so ever he answered them.( which he has done) so he then went and saw her in july and like i said he had sex wih her and he came back and told me that they did. at the moment i am sort of going day by day as i have never done this before and we are dealing with how we all feel when things come up and he as been really good with helping me with my jealously and insecurity when it comes up which isnt that often. i dont know what happens when my baby comes along yet. and im the one who said if he want to stay over at hers that he could, (maybe i am testing myself about how i would deal with when he is gone) and i think in my mind i am waiting for me to mess it up for everybody. our marriage as become so much better since i have let this happen.

joyfulgirl26 08-04-2010 05:17 PM

it sounds to me like you are doing great micaela! i have to say that the way things started out were probably pretty frustrating and upsetting for you, but you seem to have handled everything very well.

asking for honesty and openness is definitely the way to go, and it sounds like you have done that and your husband is providing that, although it certainly sounds like he could do some more in that department. you've been forgiving, but not to the point of letting him off the hook, which is great. in any case, you sound self-aware and straightforward, which are both excellent qualities in this arena.

i think you are doing just fine!

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