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-   -   Monogamy Explored (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3230)

redpepper 07-12-2010 08:44 AM

the mono agenda
I was in a discussion where by it came up that mono people have to be watched because of their agenda when entering into a poly relationship. They could be someone who says they get poly and are okay with the fact that their new boy friend has a wife, but then it turns out that they actually do want that boyfriend to be for them and are surprised that he doesn't want to leave his wife.

Is this a common understanding? A common way of looking at mono people? Is there not an agenda that we all have because we would like to have relationships that work for us? How is it different if a mono feel s like that? They too advocate for their needs. Why is it different?

What of people who actually decide to leave all partners to be in a mono relationship... they sometimes come back to their poly ways swearing they will never do that again. Can someone decide to be monogamous for a mono love and that be that? back to mainstream mono land forever? Or is this just not possible?

Breathesgirl 07-12-2010 09:21 AM

Wow you're up late & pondering deep stuff???? I don't think my brain would be working that late! It usually isn't working this early either!

I don't know if it's the most common way of looking at things but I"ve heard the story quite a few times that someone's s/o is dating a mono person & it turns out that person really just wants the s/o all to themselves! Thinking about it...Breathes' first, second and third s/o's after we got together were like that & didn't like the fact that he wouldn't dump me to be monogamous with them.

Possibly it's different because there is more than two people being hurt by that kind of relationship when one person is poly and has other partners besides the mono one. I'm talking about the closed minded monos, not the ones who are up front about the fact they aren't sure whether they can handle poly or the ones who truly are fine with themselves being mono while their partner is poly. When the poly person comes home from visiting the mono partner there tends to be, at least IME small though it may be, more drama during the reconnection phase. The mono person tends to think more in the me/us two line than in the me, you & you & you line. This then tends to put more drama into the poly relationships because they are trying to deal with concepts so totally opposite to their own way of thinking.

There is nothing wrong with their advocating their needs as long as they clearly understand that just because they are letting their wants & needs be known it doesn't necessarily mean they will get them.

I've heard of poly's going mono and then back again but don't know any personally.

Why am I trying to express myself clearly at 5:15 am???? lol

Ariakas 07-12-2010 03:35 PM

I have never actually considered that. Traditionally we have gotten involved with mono's however they were aware of the situation. I suppose I could see it happening, so I don't know why I have never considered it.

There has been involvement with two mono's and both have said they would be devastated if I left Pengrah. They actually believe that if they remained involved, that I would be the one to choose to leave. Regardless of how often I say otherwise.


I've heard of poly's going mono and then back again but don't know any personally.
Maybe for another discussion and I think I am kind of unique to this outlook, but for me monogamous defines a relationship structure. Polyamorous defines a love style. I am currently monogamous however I can be polyamorous.

Is a single person looking for the one love monogamous? :)...

AutumnalTone 07-12-2010 03:58 PM

That's the cowboy/cowgirl phenomenon in action. A mono enters a poly tangle knowing full well that the partner is involved with others. The cowpoke, however, instead of wanting to work within the poly tangle, actually wants to try to pull the person away an into a mono relationship. It's rude and dysfunctional.

Does every mono getting involved with a poly tangle try to do that? No. Most folks seem to want to work within the parameters they accepted in entering a relationship. There are enough selfish, twisted people who have evil motives that crop up that it's a well-known phenomenon, though.

I suspect that my last amorata wasn't ever truly happy being in a tangle, though she wasn't actively trying to pull me away from my wife. She jumped from a relationship with me to a mono relationship in short order. I get the idea that she was just waiting for a mono relationship to pop up and was using me for support and companionship until that happened.

I'm uncertain as to how often that last circumstance would arise. I've not heard of it being widespread, though I doubt it would be apparent in most cases. I get inside info due to her and I having a daughter together, so my daughter (and her sisters) keep me informed.

Derbylicious 07-12-2010 06:48 PM


Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 35588)

Does every mono getting involved with a poly tangle try to do that? No. Most folks seem to want to work within the parameters they accepted in entering a relationship. There are enough selfish, twisted people who have evil motives that crop up that it's a well-known phenomenon, though.


I have a hard time believing that all people who behave in this way are really selfish and twisted. Society leads us to believe that when we find "the one" that they will make us complete. I think a lot of the time these cowboy/girll types are thinking that they are "the one" because they love their partner and vice versa and so they should live happily ever after. And for someone who is monogamous it's probably really hard to understand how someone can truly love you and still truly love others. Everyone is a product of their lived experience and as such we tend to think that the way we work inside is the same as the way everyone else works inside.


NeonKaos 07-12-2010 08:14 PM

They ARE "selfish" ("evil" and "twisted" maybe not) if they understand what they are getting involved in but still think they can get someone to "change" for them. I think that is what AT is talking about - when people go into a relationship with someone not for who they are but for what they think the other person OUGHT to be. This goes all ways - not ONLY with monogamous-minded people toward poly-minded people.

Honestheart 07-13-2010 12:15 AM

i think the main thing is to get that monogamous persons motives and DRILL into the monogamous persons head that you and your SO's are all the same side of the coin, a package deal, a take me and however many other SO's i have because i ain't being yours alone i'm everybody's equally...
to me when i date poly folk i go into the relationship with the understanding that my poly partner and his SO's are a package deal. there is no him without her no matter however many "hers" there are...
you know what i mean?
not all monogamous people want to steal their poly partners and convert them to monogamy and take them for themselves.
some do, and they give monogamous folks a bad name in poly-mono relationships. that name is cowboys or cowgirls
just like some people use poly as a way to fuck around behind people's backs and give poly folk a bad name that name is players and cheaters.

AutumnalTone 07-13-2010 12:41 AM

Exactly. When I was single, anybody interested knew that I arrived with a son in my custody and a daughter living with her mother. Anybody getting involved now knows I have a son living with me, a daughter with her mother, and a wife.

And anybody who thinks that they can get me to change that is simply being rude and dysfunctional to the point of being evil--they know they're doing wrong and pursue it anyway.

geminigirl 07-13-2010 02:00 AM

Just to play devil's advocate here, I'd like to mention that sometimes there are poly agendas.. ie. a poly person dates a mono person with the intention of "converting" them. In my observation (close-hand experience) this does not go over well for either person.

Sometimes agendas are not conscious, though. A culturally conditioned agenda just seems normal to the person who holds the belief. Even poly people dating other poly people can have "agendas", which is why it's important to discuss (and keep on discussing) relationship goals and needs as time goes on.

SourGirl 07-13-2010 02:13 AM

Excellent points Gemini. :)

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