Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   New V relationship and one end expecting more (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323)

SMS 06-01-2009 04:07 PM

New V relationship and one end expecting more
Can anyone point me to a discusssion/link/book which discusses the relationships between two ends of a "V". One end of my V is needing a monogamous relationship with me and the other end (my long-term husband) is feeling sexual feelings towards her. We have tried to make this clear to him from the start and have bent somewhat due to well-intentioned explorations of his needs which have now been misinterpreted to some extent (allowing voyerism, her giving him kisses on the mouth, etc.). In truth, he has been needy in many ways and insecure in our relationship and we are doing all we can to keep communications open and show him the depth of our love for him. He seems to be struggling equally with the issues of being left out and the issues of being rejected sexually by her. It might help him to see that there are other Vs out there with this structure? Sometimes having it in print and from someone other than me can help him Grock his own feelings. Help?

AutumnalTone 06-03-2009 02:49 PM

It appears from here that he's holding out on sharing his experience. What is it, exactly, that's causing his insecurity? I doubt you'll be able to move ahead smoothly without that issue being addressed.

What loss does he fear? That you'll leave him for her? That he'll miss out on interaction with you because you'll be interacting with her? I think you'll need to find that fear and deal with it before anything else.

SMS 06-03-2009 03:15 PM

Yes, I agree. There is something fear-based here. Fears you mentioned (rejection) and fear of the unknown too which is what I am trying to get at with finding information for him to review. His approach to self-inspection is usually information based. He's willing, there just isn't much information to point to.

Quath 06-06-2009 12:43 AM

There are many V's with this type of structure. Each relationship is its own thing. It sounds like he needs to accept the level of intimancy that he has been given from your other lover for what it is and not expect more. One way to grok it (I love the Heinlein reference) is to realize that every woman has different desires and he should not expect every woman to desire him in the same way.

Of course, the ultimate solution will be to make sure that everyone is communicating about how they feel and what they want. Has she told him how she feels about him or is the communication going through you?

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:14 AM.