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AckTivity 07-13-2010 04:00 AM

Slightly Different?
 
I hope it's ok to just dive in and post. Ok, so I'm not even sure if we could really be considered a poly family, but I think that even if not I could learn from other poly families.

Here's our setup: There are three adults. My girlfriend (S) is married to her husband (A). However, my girlfriend and her husband have not been intimate for about 10 years (separate rooms even). Before I came along they both had separate relationships from each other, but nothing serious. S likes girls A likes girls and boys. After I met my S, we became intimate and consider ourselves monogamous. A still has his "flings" but nobody serious and, for now at least, that's the way he wants it. I am about to move in with them. S and I want to continue to be monogamous. She loves her husband and has no plans to divorce him (nor am I asking her to). He is comfortable with the relationship most of the time, but does worry that she'll leave him now that she has me (which is definitely not going to happen). We will all be living together and taking care of each other.

Now, this is clearly not a "traditional" family, but I'm not really sure that it would be considered poly either. Honestly I am not seeking a label but advice.

I want to know how to live with A. Any advice for a newcomer into a family dynamic? I know a lot of it will just simply be trial and error and whatever works for us three. But I want to make it as smooth as possible for A as well. I do care about his feelings as much as S's and mine.

So, any advice besides the obvious COMMUNICATION? Anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Quath 07-13-2010 05:44 AM

Poly is more about love, respect and openess. So if S and A still love each other, I would consider it a poly situation.

I think most of the issues will be about communication. Ask him what bugs him. Let him know what bugs you. For the most pary it will be standard roommate issues. And there may be a lot of such issues.

On top of that, you can just try to reassure him that he is not trying to make S leave him.

redpepper 07-13-2010 06:24 AM

Agreeing with Quath on this one. I think everyday run of the mill roommate issues will come up, and that's about it. I think it will be clear enough that you both care about his needs and are there to share with him rather than you are there to take her away... why would you move in WITH HIM if you are only interested in taking her away or her only being interested in leaving.

Thanks for saying you aren't looking for a label though. It isn't necessary to have one or identify as one... it really just helps others put you in a box and understand more. for that I'm glad you found a place to ask questions.

That being said, if they love each other beyond sex but more than friendship then perhaps their relationship is asexual? Would that fit somewhat?

Ariakas 07-13-2010 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AckTivity (Post 35685)
So, any advice besides the obvious COMMUNICATION? Anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Honestly, overthinking things can be a detriment. Don't overthink every angle. Try and let things flow.

If you think to many steps ahead, you create expectations, when those expectations don't work out, you can experience disappointment or worse, resentment :)

AckTivity 07-13-2010 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 35696)
That being said, if they love each other beyond sex but more than friendship then perhaps their relationship is asexual? Would that fit somewhat?

I suppose it could except that if it were up to A, they would still be sexual. S took that off of the table a long time ago. There's a big long story there, mostly related to S coming out later in life. Neither of them wanted to get divorced though, so they've made arrangements that work for each of them.

I think you're both right though. Mostly it will be like having a roommate. I think I just need to figure out how to tread carefully over the bits where it's me that gets to have sex with her and not him (there was already an evening of awkward questions that A later apologized for).

To add another wrinkle, both S and I have Asperger's.

Quath 07-14-2010 05:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AckTivity (Post 35797)
To add another wrinkle, both S and I have Asperger's.

It will be interesting to see if that helps or hinders. I hope it helps since your two communication styles may be compatible.

AckTivity 07-14-2010 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 35878)
It will be interesting to see if that helps or hinders. I hope it helps since your two communication styles may be compatible.

So far it's been incredibly helpful. I'm able to be direct without fear of hurting her feelings and she doesn't natter on about nothing. And neither of us expect the other to read our minds or respond to body language.

The trick will be A. We have to remember that he doesn't like things as direct and tends to enjoy inane conversation. (I realize this statement probably made me sound like an ass. But there is no judgement behind it, just facts)


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