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-   -   New to this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3207)

GraceSmith 07-12-2010 10:02 PM

New to this
 
I am fairly new to the lifestyle. I am reading a book and trying to gather information. I have been married for almost 15 years. My husband and I have fairly recently opened up our relationship. I am quite shy and do not meet people as easily as he does and I am finding this very nerve racking. Im feeling jealous a lot which I hate. So, I guess I am putting myself out here hoping to meet new people that understand more about the lifestyle so that I can gain and give suppourt and friendship to others.

sage 07-13-2010 08:24 AM

Hi and welcome

No doubt some of the more experienced members will jump in here and give you some links to writing on jealousy. It's one of the recurring biggies for polyamory.

I'm fairly new to all this myself and still working through the jealousy. My partner's OSO lives quite far away and so my jealous outbursts generally only come up when he is visiting her and that hasn't been for a while. I know I'm not over it though, just working through.

Try to look underneath the jealousy to find out what other feelings snd issues are at work. For me there is
-loneliness (after being married for most of my adult life I'm not used to being alone, I accept that learning to be alone or with other people and happy is a healthy thing)
-Fairness. I don't get much quality time with my partner due to his children and yet I put a lot of work into helping create a good environment for them to be in. He has acknowledged thatflipping off too much to be with his OSO isn't fair.
-Assertiveness and trust. I have learned to trust that I can be assertive and reach a compromise with my partner and he will still love me and can be happy. Previously I have given too much away and been miserable as a result.

So while it hurts like hell, jealously can be an opportunity for growth. While I'm not looking forward to Z going away to be with his OSO I will be quite interested to see how far I've come in terms of jealousy.

Hope this helps

GraceSmith 07-13-2010 11:53 AM

New to This
 
Sage,
I am sorry that you are struggling as well. But, can I say it feels really good to know that there are other people like me? I am coming to terms with a lot. I want to be giving and my latest explosion did result with me realizing that I need to ask for his reassurance that he still loved me. He was very willing to give it to me I just had to ask for it. We do talk a lot about our feelings which I find to be very helpful. However, it does not change the pain I feel when he wants to be with her. I am very greatful for your support in this. I will look for the links for jealousy. I am interested in hearing about your situation I feel that maybe we can work together to help each other. Two supporting each other is better than one fighting it alone.
Thank you,
Grace

clairegoad 07-13-2010 12:08 PM

One of the lessons of a poly relationship is how to handle all emotions, not just jealousy.

And looking at those emotions, and what lies beneath them...

And how to deal with difficult emotions.

There are some amazing, difficult lessons... but there's growth in learning -- and you can apply this lesson to all emotions- not just jealousy.

Eventually, you learn to enjoy the solitary times, and to find new interests, and to grow as a person in ways you never imagined.

Welcome to the journey. :)

Mohegan 07-13-2010 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clairegoad (Post 35725)
One of the lessons of a poly relationship is how to handle all emotions, not just jealousy.

And looking at those emotions, and what lies beneath them...

And how to deal with difficult emotions.

There are some amazing, difficult lessons... but there's growth in learning -- and you can apply this lesson to all emotions- not just jealousy.

Eventually, you learn to enjoy the solitary times, and to find new interests, and to grow as a person in ways you never imagined.

Welcome to the journey. :)


I completely agree! Learning to deal with emotions has enriched my relationship beyond belief. I love to learn and you're so right with learning comes growth.

Grace- my husband (Karma) and I are still in the begining stages of making this work for us, but while trying at times, it is a fulfilling journey. There are a lot of great posts on here about jealousy, envy and communication. Hopefully someone a little more compter savy than I can link them. I usualy just search them or look in the thread that has a list of links. I've learned so much reading through these threads.

I am slowly getting to the point of enjoying the quiet time when Karma is with his girlfriend. I have still have plenty of moments that I'm a ball of emotions, but it is getting easier.

Best of luck to you!

sage 07-13-2010 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GraceSmith (Post 35724)
Sage,
I am interested in hearing about your situation I feel that maybe we can work together to help each other. Two supporting each other is better than one fighting it alone.
Thank you,
Grace

Definitely!
Because Polyamory is still relatively uncommon it can be incredibly lonely to deal with. I would not be dealing with things as well if I hadn't had support from this forum.

My story and some of the issues I've faced are written up under "figuring this out" in this section.

Stay in touch

Morningglory629 07-18-2010 04:07 PM

Welcome Grace! This is a great support network for you. You will find info and differing opinions, but most importantly a place to bond and find understanding. Best of luck in your relationship/s.:)

Quote:

One of the lessons of a poly relationship is how to handle all emotions, not just jealousy.

And looking at those emotions, and what lies beneath them...

And how to deal with difficult emotions.

There are some amazing, difficult lessons... but there's growth in learning -- and you can apply this lesson to all emotions- not just jealousy.

Eventually, you learn to enjoy the solitary times, and to find new interests, and to grow as a person in ways you never imagined.

Welcome to the journey.
Claire this made me smile...you are so right, the solitary times or even just the times away from particular loved ones are so important to your own personal development. Articulated very well lady!


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